New Year's Eve

H0w bizarre.

It's New Year's Eve and I am alone in the house that my husband and I bought with my mother.

I wanted to be alone. Or rather, I told hubby if he didn't have plans that I'd be here if he wanted to hang out. But he does have plans. He's going to Chris' house - his former AA sponsor and having his first sober New Year's. He wasn't planning to come home tonight but I asked him to.

Regardless of him, I wanted to spend my first New Year's in this "different place" on my own.

So my mother is at my aunt's house and I have said no to a couple of casual party invites.

Hubby basically moved out all his clothes, television and the apple computer. Bizarre. The closet looks so bare. I almost lost it, but I didn't. And the computer is now replaced with the docking station and laptop he purchased me.

Last night, I had asked if he wanted to get dinner. He said no - that he had plans with Jeremy. By 1 am I had texted him because I was worried. He texted back that he was okay and that he went to the beach. He was home by 1:45 am. We actually laid in the same bed together holding each other for a little bit. Nothing sexual at all and not too much "love" at all either - if anything mostly from me. He told me sorry twice. I asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said no.

And then today he basically moved out and is only coming home this evening because of my request. We also got notice from the lawyer today that the paperwork has been filed and that I will be served. Lovely. So it's over. It's really over. Sure I still have to sign paperwork, but I need to say it to believe it. I'm still in denial to a point.

I had a therapy session with our shared therapist. It was hard. I have to start doing things that I want and know what I want and act on what I want - but for so long, decisions have been joint or based on his wants or needs and OUR needs. Now I'm at a loss. On an emotional level I just want to get the hell out, but I need to give myself a little time and I have it.

While hubby did make the effort to refinance the house so mother and I would have a lower payment, I still met with a realtor/property manager to find out more of my options. If we want to sell, we can do so anytime between February and April 15 and then again from last week in April until late September. That's a high buying window season. So I've got a few months to figure out if me and my mom can float through this and survive or if the urgency is higher to sell. I also have some time to look for roommates and see how that goes along. It just sucks having to be responsible. Who knew that HIS wanting a divorce would play such a heavy burden on me? I know he is doing his best to help out - I mean, heck he did the refinancing thing to include his pay for now. And he got me the laptop and he's the one leaving the house and verbally he's told me he'd help me with the house payment and stuff...but I'm terrified. Simply terrified. At the end of the day, this will fall on mine and my mother's shoulders.

Today

Today I see my cousin, her husband and their child in Pasadena. Afterward, I head to my real home. I'm not taking mom with me. Instead I will spend a few days at home, hopefully to wrap up loose ends with the soon-to-be-ex, about staying in the house and beginning our divorce papers for real.

I believe I'll be spending New Year's alone. I've asked him if he'd like to spend time together, but he let me know that he had already made plans with his AA buddy's family. Even knowing that, I still want to be in OUR home for what may be the last New Year's for me in that "family" way even though I'll be alone. I believe this will be the first New Year's ever that "we" - meaning, me and my mom (and hubby), don't host a party. How weird but very appropos - that is life, ever-changing.

I suppose I should think of some New Year's resolutions. Why not? It's not like if they don't happen, I'll be too disappointed. I mean, c'mon, I made wedding vows and look what happened to them? And I'm not dead yet.

To My Ex-Husband

I recently finished a book from Susan Dundon, "To My Ex-Husband". Heck, I may have written about it already, but I can't recall.

It's a great read that's pretty much on target as to how I felt and what I have been through (at least the early part of it). There is this one section, that goes through my mind over and over again...

"I keep having this feeling we're sliding toward a divorce neither of us really wants. And I have to ask, are we letting this happen, or are we making it happen? The answer is, we are not making it not happen."

That's how I feel a lot, but then again I don't because he's made it pretty clear that he's fallen out of love with me. I just still can't get over the fact that "we" aren't trying to make this work. Yes, we went to individual therapy and couples thereapy and he went to AA, BUT it ended up becoming about individual discovery - especially for him, and not necessarily time on our relationship. It's not like once couples therapy was over, we suddenly went on a trip - just us, together or went on a ton of dates or anything. Fortunately, unfortunately he connected only with his AA people and maybe he just got tired of recounting all his stories a second time to a wife. On top of that, perhaps his attraction to me just faded - why not? I'm not the same woman he married.

Almost New Year's

So it's almost New Year's.

Hard to believe.

I'm at my aunt's house in one of the guest bedrooms and tomorrow I'll be home again.

I've done it again - made an attempt to look like an ass. I texted him to ask if he'd like to watch Marley and Me while I'm in town. I just seek rejection don't I? Oh well.

So I'll be there until the 1st and hopefully he and I will get some paperwork out of the way (maybe he's already filled his out?) and move forward. We'll have to move back home. I can't possibly have my mom and I stay at my aunt's right now unless it's the real deal.

I've been looking up, "recovery after divorce" sites. I believe I'm still in the denial stage but with one foot into the depressed grieving stage. I'm getting more and more anxious - wondering what it will be like to return home, return to work and really live without my husband. This is going to be difficult.

I was reading this fiction book, "To My Ex-Husband" and it was so sad because she talks about how hard it was to lose her best friend. That's where I'm at. This loss of a friend, my confidant is devastating. To not pick up the phone on a lark and just talk to him about all the details of what's happening right now is insane. It feels so bizarre and just so out of sync for me. I imagine it will take a ton of time to get back some structure around my life. But I imagine he is at a much higher stage than me. I mean he has some structure, at the least with his AA meetings. I'm considering resuming those, definitely. If anything it gives me something to do - to keep from being idle with my thoughts.

I think once the divorce is final, I'll join Match.com or eharmony.com or something like that. To rebound, to feel wanted, to have some sort of diversion. But it's stupid. I absolutely can't imagine at this time and place or any future time and place that I'd want to be with anyone but him. I'm sure every slightly caught of guard divorced person says that and then gets over it, but me? I just can't imagine. I want so badly to stick it out, wait in the wings until this passes and he suddenly sees the light of wanting to be back with me. See? I'm in the denial phase.

Ugh.

Alone

He says he feels alone even though he's got friends and family. Me too.

So why aren't we together I think in my mind.

But the sad thing is, I know it's really over. It isn't for me, but it is for him. I mean - it's me who calls, texts or emails first. He hasn't made the first move in - I don't even know how long. He is at the end of the process in terms of letting go.

And I think to some extent, I'm barely getting out of the denial stage.

It's depressing and I'm terrified. I'm terrified to get back to whatever is supposed to be "normal" when none of it is normal. I'm terrified of truly losing him forever. But I guess it doesn't matter. What does it matter what I feel?

You know he gave me a laptop for Christmas. Can you believe it? Probably spent a fortune on a laptop which I'm using at this very minute but would trade in a heartbeat to have him, to have us back.

What now? I suppose I take his offer - to give up his share or opportunity of a share and his five to eight hundred dollars a month. I'm going to need it. Melanie says I should take it without guilt. In fact she thinks it may be too little, especially since major decisions were made as a couple. Like the house - even buying the house, she recalls me hesitating getting into a house that we may not be able to afford, but his insistence that we get it, needed it, that he needed more room, that we needed more space. Never in my wildest dreams, did I realize the house would eventually become my responsibility. Jesus Christ - it's terrifying. I risked so much for love. And my mom risked so much for her daughter and in the hubby - someone she considered a son. And now what? I'm left with photos and memories that may haunt me for such a long time.

And of course I'm left holding the bag - trying to figure out the next moves. I suppose we've got a plan, but in this economy, the plan is on a shaky foundation. What if I lose it all? The husband. And then my mom and then the house. What if I lose my mind? My capabilities. My strength. How do I gain it back?

I keep on asking out loud, why me? Why is this happening to me? It can't be about punishment can it? Or is it about testing me? Haven't I been tested enough?

Really, what is my purpose in life here? I can't even keep my husband! How in the world will I hold down my job (I'm a wreck)? How in the world will I move on? I try and force myself to look at other men to force myself to think of possibilities and it doesn't happen. I don't see how it can happen. Instead I fantasize that the hubby will change his mind or in a dramatic turn of events when the paperwork is finalized he won't sign. But that is just a fantasy. How can he fall back in love with me when he barely looks at me, doesn't want to engage with me - when I'm not his first call in the morning or his last good night?

It will be hard to see him renew his life. He's so on track with AA and I am so proud, but I'm jealous. I'm jealous that the next girl, next wife will benefit from his being sober and continued therapy. In the time we'll be apart he'll have hopefully made major breakthroughs, but someone else will get that benefit instead of us as a couple against the world together. So already, I mourn for what could have been. I see it all play out - the guy always moves on much quicker and he, he will be ready to dive in and do his best not to f*ck it up. Hell, he'll probably pull a "Kenny" - that's his cousin, who within a year of divorce, got a new girl, knocked her up and is now a family man with a son and no responsbility of actually marrying the girl. Nice, right?

And so now I must continue on with being responsible. Even though he wants the divorce, I still have to fill out paperwork. I still have to figure out next steps not just for myself but for my mom as well. I still have to take care of the house, pay bills, figure out how to work with a realtor and/or property manager, and still find the time to take care of myself. And of course - work. He too must do those things in a way, BUT at least he MADE the choice to leave so there is strength and conviction in that. But me? This will be the 2nd time I was left. The first in February when he moved out and now as he chooses to divorce me.

One of our most recent heated discussions I said to him, "Lucky you. You chose the right girl to leave because you know I'd handle things..." It was probably one of my most angered moments. But it's the truth. Any other woman would have done so much more, said so much more, yelled so much more, bad mouthed so much more - but me? I...I just take it and move on - as best as I can. It's not about being a martyr. I think it's either one or two or a combination of my being exhausted and just hating myself.

Home Alone

I put it on myself to be home alone.

It's kind of like trying to make myself suffer.

My mom is now at my aunt's house.  And my cousin left this afternoon.  And hubby is on his way back from the Oakland Raider game.  Of course he's not coming to this house but his parents. 

But starting tomorrow he will be back at this house and I will be at my aunt's.

What the hell am I doing?  

I am feeling so many mixed emotions right now.  I wish on everything that he would just be my husband again, but that is just so far off and next to impossible.

Late last week while looking for some kind of book for the soon to be ex hubby I found a book on male depression.  It is extremely fascinating and enlightening.  I feel like the case studies meld into one form or another of what the hubby must be going through.  I feel like if he could work on it some more, perhaps there would be hope for us, but I don't know.  Well actually I know.  He is hard fast on a divorce with me.

My heart is truly broken here.  And my spirit, my spirit is just at such a loss.  

You'd think after this weekend that everything was fine.  With my cousin on hand, we got a ton of things ready for a yard sale to be, but inside I was just ripping apart, checking my phone so often just to see if he'd think about calling or texting me.  I hate text by the way - it's so cold and so misinterpreted and is such a way to avoid actually talking.  But if I call him and he doesn't call back, for some reason I feel more rejected than if he just doesn't text back.

What else?  What else?  I should write and write and write so I can get it out of me.

So much to do...

1) Finish book

2) Write him a personal note

3) Write him my typical day with the dog

4) Pack my toiletries, shoes and extra blankets

5) Vacuum

6) Take dog stool sample and drop off at the vet

7) Wrap last of the gifts

More?  Hope I remember...

And Of Course

Oh and of course...

Hubby's co worker - the guy who I would think is an alcoholic or if not, just the worst, craziest drunk I've ever met?  Him, yah, well of course, they're pregnant.  

I'm telling you, we must be bad people if everyone else seems to get pregnant and we never did.  I'm just so jealous.  I can't even keep my man, can't even make him happy and on top of all that, didn't produce a child.  What a waste of space I feel like.

As the soon to be ex's life comes more into focus, mine is just out there without...

Mark my words, my soon to be ex, will continue with the cliche and within the year find a new woman, knock her up and live a beautiful life alcohol free.  I was just a stepping stone.

Pathetic

I'm so incredibly pathetic.  I'm at home.  I'm not working.  I'm at home doing random errands and pining away for my husband who has asked for a divorce.

I'm such a fool.  I'm at a loss.

Today my mother and I got away to watch Slumdog Millionaire.  It was a very good romantic movie that made me want to puke at the same time.  Somewhere out there is a "love conquers all" kind of mentality.  Well guess what?  That didn't work for me, for us.

You know, I asked him on the phone, "Are you sure you want to do this?"  

Silence.

Then he says, "You mean get a divorce?"

I say, "Yes."

He says, "Yes."

Jesus, why do I put myself through this?  I just HAD to hear it again huh?  Torture. 

And now I'm getting cold feet on leaving the house, BUT I feel like I need it.  UGH!  

What the f*ck is wrong with me?  Why the f*ck do I care?  Why do I so badly want to see him when all he really wants to see is the DOG, not me.  I'm so fu*king pathetic.  Someone shoot me now.  Sometimes when I walk the dog I want a car to hit me - just kill me.  It would make it so much easier.

I went to dinner with hubby's cousin.  She tries to be supportive but instead I still continue to feel like sh*t because she lets me know how if it were her she wouldn't have been as nice as I was to him.  So what does that mean?  That I'm f*cking pathetic.  I can't help it.  I f*cking love him.  Yes, I'm still IN LOVE with him even knowing that he couldn't give a damn about me.  I feel like a dumbas* in high school who is still after the guy that everyone knows doesn't care about the girl.  How do I go back to being me???

Naked

There is my hand - naked. No ring. It feels weird. It feels wrong. But I guess it shouldn't. He hasn't been wearing his ring. And when he separated from me he didn't wear it then either.

So why is it so hard for me?

My hand doesn't just feel naked - my whole being. I am so alone and cold and vulnerable - just naked.

I don't want a divorce. Divorce was never an option for me - even if I may have thought about it or even agreed to it now - it's not what I want. But how do I fight for my marriage. How do I argue his statement of, "I want a divorce from you. I'm not in love with you and haven't been in a long time."?

I just rack my brain and beat myself up for all my missteps. And it hurts even more that this is not hard for him. He says it is but I think it's more that he doesn't like getting sh*t from family and friends for his decision - not about divorcing me. I mean he's not in love with me so why should he even care? If anything it must be a relief for him.

And now? Me? I'm just even more confused. I was set to move to my aunt's and know that I need to for a little while but I don't want to move at the same time. I don't f*cking know anymore. I'm at such a loss.

And There's More to Come

So sure, we've come to the decision that we're divorcing, but there's more to come.

Today we do some initial thinking about what to do next with the house, who lives where, the bills, whether or not to get a lawyer or whatever.

Even if we sell the house, God, that's just more stuff to do, sign, sell, clean and fix.  

We had our last therapy session as a couple together.  Anti climactic - if anything he just showed me he has anger and annoyance at the whole situation.  

I'm going through all my crap and getting rid of things.  Of course I run across pictures of him and me.  We did have some good times.  And of course I still have cards from him - loving ones.  I want to believe a time when he did truly love me, but who knows?  Perhaps it was all just a facade...He wasn't sober then, but now he is.  With much greater clarity he is very aware that he is not in love with me.  How depressing.

Divorce

There. I wrote it.

Divorce.

Two evenings ago, with some prodding from me to have him talk to me instead of just focusing on the dog, he climbed up on the bed (again, because I asked him to) and proceeded to tell me that he fell out of love with me a long time ago and being sober doesn't help anything and that he wants a divorce.

Did you hear it? Did you hear my heart break for the third time? It's damaging. It's tiring. It's disappointing.

Of course tears. Expect any less?

There was no yelling. Thank God. But even though I "accepted" it, I told him why I had a hard time with it:
1) How come me? It doesn't appear that he is in love with anything right now - why me in that category and I get the short end of the stick?
2) He's barely started AA and the few but important visits I've had with the open AA meetings and the Al Anon meetings says his feelings are classic and that no sudden changes should take place.

There was quite bit of discussion, some including things to the effect of, "Didn't I have a clue?" and "You know you're not happy too" kind of lines. WTF? Sure I've been unhappy, but I'm in it, was in it, for the long haul - I wanted to give space and time for him for his recovery and collect himself at work. How could he not see that?

I am so tired just writing this, but I need to otherwise more episodes of my just breaking down will happen.

In just one day of hearing the news, I quit my job. How could I possibly function as a director when my f*cking heart got ripped out? So I've been home now for the last few days. And I've rented bins to begin to just throw out sh*t. And of course, I come across our wedding pictures, the congrats on your wedding cards and various turtle/rabbit paraphernalia we've collected over the years. Thank God my mom was out for an hour when I lost it. How could this have happened? Why did he turn on me? Why doesn't he want to wait at least a year to see where his feelings go? Why can't we face this together as a team? Because he doesn't want it. He doesn't even call, text or email me. We barely speak. He keeps his distance from me. You know my dog died last Friday evening and the next day no call to home - nothing. Instead by the time he came home I was so sad, disappointed and angry we ended up in our big blowout.

Oh yes, that too. He says because of our big blowout, he felt suicidal again and because of that - it was the last straw - that was his marker to leaving. So it's confusing.

Yesterday I saw the Dr.

He isn't wearing his ring again, by the way. I wonder if he did that before or just after telling me he was going to divorce me.

Oh and today a check came for 10k. How bizarre. I open all the mail - he knows that. Why in the world is he taking out 10k now?

Why is he hiding stuff from me if he's just divorcing me anyway? Even with all the hurt and pain he has caused me he continues to hide, distance himself and just omit information.

I feel such a tremendous loss. I want so desperately to have my best friend back. I need my husband by my side and he has rejected me.

I am hurt.

So Confused

I took a sick day today.  Because well, I was coughing like hell last night.  But more importantly, my head is sick.

So I began to clean the bathroom.

Upon doing so, going through the magazine rack, I found some documentation from hubby's retirement account from work with a request to get a loan for $15k for a residence.  Huh?  The request was made in July.   Weird right?  Was that around the time he was going to help his brother move?  Or uh?  But that's weird because he told me his parents just wanted to help with the monthly payment not the down payment.

So what does that mean?  What other secrets is my hubby keeping from me?  I'm doing my best to stick to what Al Anon tells me - lay off, keep clear, don't get obsessed.  But are hints and things from a greater power also telling me something?  What is going on?

I'm at such a loss.

In the meantime, I looked at the videos I made for hubby on the mac.  Wow...so much time has passed.  It seems like so long ago.  Yes he is different.  He doesn't have that same shine.  I don't know if it's so much about me as it is in himself.  He says he's not in love with me, but I think it's bigger than that.  He's not in love with life in general...at least that's the observation I'm making, but somehow he's boxed that into focusing that that loss of loving life is because of me.

But who knows?  Maybe I'm making excuses.  I'm trying not to obsess.

Can you believe yesterday and today I haven't contacted him?  Yah.  No texts no calls other than the call I made on my way home to the house last night.

I'm just scared though.  I feel like he's going to drop a bomb on me.  While he may have hinted at divorcing and there are weird clues suggesting it, when I've asked him to talk to me about it - nothing.

And then the other night when I told him, let's give it some time before we make any rash decisions he told me, "I'm not doing anything right now until the 1st of the year, don't want to put the family through all kinds of things.  And I have to talk to Dr. F anyway."  So does that mean there's hope or does that mean he's getting everything ready to leave me?  Preparing divorce papers to finding a new home.  Maybe he did get the job offer?

I'm so in the dark, but Al Anon says to worry about today.  

So today, I clean the bathroom.

I Did It

I did it. I told my boss I would be taking a leave of absence or leaving completely.

I can't believe I did it.

But I had to. I was bawling. I couldn't even control it. That's how much of this has taken over my soul.

I'm walking around pretending I'm okay and I'm not. I'm starting to crack up.

I'll be doing evening things with co workers this week. I wonder if I'll be able to keep it up.

I've got to get back to me and driving back and to work with all this on my mind is so trying to me.

Epiphany

I went to al anon yesterday evening. Such an epiphany for me even though I had been reading and reading and reading about what I was supposed to do being with an alcoholic.

To just let go.

Stop my texting and calling him. Even though in a normal relationship, that's what wives do. In an alcoholic relationship, any move I make, is seen as at attack and therefore he'll react to me differently and/or being to resent me.

But I believe it's little too late.

And I am exhausted.

I Didn't Even Mention

Jesus, what an idiot I am. I didn't even mention that my second darling of a dog - really my mother's but mine too - darling S.D. died Friday evening.

Another little piece of my heart broken.

So Over These Feelings

I've read over a little what I've written in the last few weeks and I'm so over these feelings. What the hell?

How in the world did this take over who I am and my entire being?

I want myself back. It would be great to have my husband back, but I think he's walking away from me and not looking back.

I need to get over myself. I am nothing, should feel nothing and accept nothingness.

Priorities

I don't know how it unfolded but we had a blowout on Saturday early afternoon.

What the hell was I thinking?

I went crazy, screaming and hitting my face.

But of course that was after I had pushed and pushed him to tell me what the f*ck was going on. And I ask him are your priorities in this order? Sobriety, job, dog and maybe me? He confirmed. And at one point just said he just doesn't care at all about my feelings - that he was feeling disconnected regardless. That being sober made things worse.

And it came out that he actually had printed out materials to divorce me as early as April. And I pushed him to just f*cking do it. So now? I think he will. We barely spoke the rest of the evening or barely today. In fact he slept on the floor with the dog. He rather sleep on the floor than be beside me.

What happened? It seems like ever since it came out that he had slept with another person, it's just gone all to hell.

He's so sad and depressed and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I want to be his friend, just a friend at the very least but he does not turn to me anymore. According to al anon this is all classic behavior and basically everything I'm doing is wrong.

I am so sad because I really want this to work. I want my best friend back. Where did he go? What did I do? Why can't I make things better? How come it has come to this?

And of course, most of all he told me that sure he loved me but isn't in love with me - not for a long time.

And so? I feel rejected, disgusted and worthless. I feel like such a failure, a nothing. Like all of this was a facade - that he never felt anything for me. And that I'm just even sadder, that it feels like he just gave up. And what's worse is that the depression won. It took over his smile and his genuine excitement. And the alcohol? In a way it definitely caused it. I realize for several years there was a problem and rather than me bringing it up as a problem I was the "nag" that they say in al anon books that I shouldn't have been and he began to see me in that light and believe in that light. So then he starts getting depressed, continues to drink and continues not to share his feelings. And I get the brunt. He sees me as the enemy it seems even though he has made mistakes along the way himself.

I wanted to have his child, see him be the father to our child. But now? I think for sure he will leave me and eventually he will find someone else. Someone else that will fill his heart and eye with a glimmer. I wish it could have been me. I wish it could have been me.

I am still in love with him.

In Other News

In other news...

The hubby went to see the therapist. Said it was good for him.

So we get to talking, well actually - one liners from him of course. And one of his one liners is: I just have to tell you that trying to keep my sobriety is first and foremost before us.

Damaging. Truthful but damaging to me. So what next? What next?

I bring it up tonight and say, "Do you mean, it just comes first and you just can't spend time on us or do you mean we might end up separating/divorce?" Again, he says I don't know.

I'm at a loss.

I feel so bad for him. I feel so blah for myself. He tells me just because he's not suicidal doesn't mean he's not depressed.

What do I do with that? I must remind myself that I am not alone. Al Anon is what I need to do to remind myself that I am not alone.

And Now?

So it's just been two weeks since I found out. And now?

Wow, how do I write it all down?

Well he's finally changed his hotmail password. Ha. Guess that means that now there really is something to hide.

I don't know. I'm being sarcastic and it's because I still have anger.

But at the same time, there have been some really good days and some really bad days.

Today I feel blah. I feel annoyed and angry that he changed his password. I suppose, that yes, of course good reason but I hate it. I hate him sometimes. But not really him. It's about me hating myself.

So what has happened?

That first week of me finding out? Well we had just gotten our new puppy a few days prior and that next weekend he went away for a softball trip. Nice, huh? Who knows what he did on that trip? Was there softball - yes of course, but maybe the spoke to each other? I guess I'll never know.

What else happened. He emailed her from his work email that it was all a mistake, that he chooses me, that she should never contact him. That was good. Certainly.

We've had sex. Yah that continues. We have an appointment though to have a Dr. take our blood. I have to check, you never know.

Hell and Back, Twice?

Is it possible to go to hell and back twice?   Yes.

I sit here sighing, just kicking myself that I was going to write a somewhat funny post a few weeks/months ago, but today, it's not a good one.

I thought my husband leaving me and admitting he was an alcoholic was my hell and back and that was that.  

But his returning home and feeling good about how it's been going - only then to discover he slept with a woman from his work that he considers a "good" friend?  That is hell all over again.

It hurts like hell.  It's tiring as hell and yet I knew.  I had an instinct.  I felt it.  And luckily (?) someone let me know on myspace that he was having an affair.  And actually gave me a name. Maybe I should put her name on here so that if you google it, everyone will know that she participated in having an emotional and physical relationship with a person she knew had a wife.  Do I blame her?  To an extent.  Absolutely.  If she was his "good" friend as he described, she still should have kept a distance.  But ultimately it's my husband's doing.  He knowingly and willingly crossed the line.

He told me they were drunk.  I don't think that matters.  For them to get to that point where they were drunk and in that position in the first place?  That means there was an attraction and an intimacy in the first place.

He's a man.  To even have him reveal that?  Jesus.  First he said they just "made out".  I didn't equate that to sex.  But eventually that reality became my reality.  And to imagine? I asked him if it was unprotected sex.  He said no, but the condom broke.  Can you FUC*ING believe that? Here I have a blog about getting pregnant and it's the TWO OF THEM THAT COULD HAVE HAD A CHILD???  And on top of that?  Jesus christ, she's beautiful, 28 and dating and if she's willing to have sex with a married man?  Well then that means she has no problem sleeping with others?  SO HELLO TO A POSSIBLE DISEASE?  Now I need to get checked for stds and HIV!  And he does too...

When did I, a woman of color, with a bachelor's and graduate degree and a good job BECOME A FUC*ING CLICHE?  The 30s are described as amazing and I have started them with just such a dismal affair.  Pardon the pun.

Who is this man?  And what has become of him?  What has become of me?

And I'm obsessive.  Everyday I will google her name until I meet her.  I won't stop.  I want to call her and ask her the questions.  I have a feeling she'd be more forthcoming and honest because she has nothing to lose.  She has no husband or boyfriend. I want to ask her if they had sex more than once. I want to ask her how much she loves him.  I want to ask her how much she believes he loves her.  Only then I believe I will be satisfied and a little more at peace.

It's so bizarre.  I know my husband was a whore before I met him.  I knew of the people he slept with and have even met some of them, but that was NEVER an issue for me.  But this one?  How will he and I ever have sex again and I not think about HER?  How about him?  He must have thought about her while with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He said they had sex approximately 3 months ago.  And he started AA on August 29.  And we had just got back from our baseball vacation.  So basically we go on this trip, he fucks her and then goes to AA and then comes back to me by October.  Supposedly they stopped talk after the "scare".  But they're friends again apparently.  They FUC*ING work together.  

He says he chooses me.  And I do believe him.  Is that sad?  Is that righteous?  Is that pathetic?  I don't know.  I will only feel settled when I talk to her.  I don't know why, but then I would be able to tell.  I know him.  If I meet her, then I feel like I'll know if it's really over.  If I can see they way that he looks at her or if he protects her then I'll know.

So Perhaps I Shoudn't Digress

With all the hullaballo with the hubby I digressed.


What in the hell was this blog all about in the first place?


Uh - getting pregnant.


And I haven't talked to much about it, but was excited because I found out a woman was starting a new blog: http://www.fertilityfollies.com/ .


So it inspired me to provide an update for my pregnancy woes. Or lack thereof.

I believe I completely failed to mention the whole fallopian tube testing debacle! I can't believe it, but then again I can because I was terrified and extremely embarrassed beyond doubt. But there's no time like now to share an incredibly embarrassing story on the world wide web! I mean hey, the likelihood of me ever becoming a star or a politician where this would be exposed is well comletely nill. (hope i used that word correctly there).

Check back for the details. Who in the hell am I writing this to? It's not like I've told anyone about this blog. Oh well, it makes it better this way for me.

Today...

I head to work in late today because I'll be working this evening.

So I'm just here. Already did the work check email thing and now waiting, waiting and waiting for some dog groomer to come by and see if she can work on our old dog. We've only gone one dog now.

Before hubby left the home in February, just a few weeks prior, the other old dog died. That was rough. And now we wait for current dog to die. And in the meantime hubby is looking for a new dog. One to rescue, which is a good thing, but so weird that just seven months ago he left the home and now? Now, he wants to take responsibility of an animal that in my heart of hearts, I know my mom and I will take care of the most. He doesn't see it that way, but we'll see.

Last night he did not sleep here. And tonight he will not sleep here. Rather, he will be at the house room he's rented for this month and begin to pack his things to move back home. Officially, that begins on October 1. Weird. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and we've had some really solid moments in this last month - quite regular moments mostly - which is actually better. But, who knows

Recovery

I have a long commute. And often times I dream of things I'd want to write about but then I realize I'm not a writer and couldn't figure out how to create a beginning, middle and end to a story, but I still fantasize about me writing about this time in my life.

I'd call it RECOVERY.

It would be about my recovery from a husband who separated from me and a bit about my husband's recovery in relation to just admitting recently that he is an alcoholic.

But I'm such a lazy writer as evidenced by my lack of postings in quite some time.

And of course, I have such a hard time really articulating every detail and really creating a picture of every moment.

I'll try though and practice.

Today was part of recovery. The therapist came to the house today to meet with mom, me and hubby.

Hubby called to say he'd be late. He was 15 minutes late, the guy that's remodeling our bathroom was still here and we had to sit outside. It was a session with quite a few distractions - and my butt was hurting from the wood chairs that I had pulled out for us to sit on.

Again, it was more baby steps of communication, communication, communication. Each of us admitting or expressing our expectations of a need to be honest and direct. And that whatever the response is to take it without assuming there is more to it than there is. Case in point - hubby comes home from work. Mom begins to ask him how his day is. If he doesn't want to talk he is to say, I don't want to talk right now. She is to accept and not take personally. And he just deals with what he needs to deal with. That's totally simplified because of course in between, therapist adds more steps, more clarification.

So the hour passes. We finish and I barely get the chance to talk to hubby. I tell myself to not take personally. I tell myself be happy that he says he's going to "class" - code for AA. But now I'm just sitting our home office made from the 3rd part of the 3 car garage. I'm in the dark with the bright light on my face from the computer. And well, I just feel alone.

Right now, no one is in my exact situation. I mean, no one really has been for several of these "setbacks" in my life. Something still doesn't feel right. And I'm trying to address it. With work, I asked for two days to work from home. And boss just approved. And at home, I've been trying to be as direct as possible with hubby -- and I really do believe it's working. But something, just something is off. I wonder if I just didn't give myself enough time and space to grieve what was such a loss for me and grieve the loss of my companions at work. Or maybe I'm just nervous because I wonder if hubby and I will make it through to a point where it just becomes super natural again and that the communication becomes a habit.

Or maybe something isn't right because I just don't know what's going to happen with his being a part of AA. That's a huge incredible step and well, what happens now? He invited me to an AA meeting which was really so good of him. I went and we listened to a guy who was similar, but not, to hubby. Why the guest speaker went to alcohol - that was slightly similar, but all the negative consequences? That's just not my husband. I mean at least as far as I know of. In 10 years of being together, the one time it was so bad, was during our separation when he got drunk while taking a new medication and he was screaming at me that he hated me and would never come back to me. That hardly compares to the AA story I heard the one time I visited or the AA stories he shares of guys/girls that have left their kids in cars, driven drunk, destroyed things, etc. I mean, it's just never been quite like that, but I suppose it could have been. But there is a problem. As long as he has chosen to go that means he recognizes for himself that he has a problem.

Where do I fit into this. When I visited the AA session, the man talking shared how folks in AA tend to meet and marry folks in AA. I get it. I know why, because it takes a big part of your life and there people "understand" you and they share an activity together a lot. So on top of hubby being at work at least 60 hours a week, 2 -4 hours a week at softball and now 3 - 9 hours at AA, where do I fit in with him to really connect? Even if we are together, the little hours that are left are "shared" hours with his family or mine. I don't regret that part of it, but I just regret that there's little left for us and I worry that he will lose a connection to me. He's in his own world right now and he has to be - I get that, but I hope he doesn't stop reaching out to me.

He's Back. Kind of.

It is now September 12.  In short, he has returned.  Kind of.

To say we've been through hell and back, bad and good is an  understatement.  If I let myself be positive - then all is good and I should be celebrating.  But if I allow myself to think negatively, then every worry possible thought can come out.  So what are the facts then?

He is attending AA meetings.  So far, 3.

He sleeps over.  His lease should end by September 30th.

He doesn't want to have a child right now.

I'm considering leaving my  job.

In between those statements are many therapy sessions, tears, hugs and more.

And when I figure out how to write it all out, I will.

Progress? Maybe...

It's been quite some time since I've written.

He has not returned though.

We talk more often, hang out more often, but he has yet to return.

We do have our big trip in just two weeks. And I wonder, I wonder how it will be.

I also turned 32 in this span of time. How bizarre. I can't believe that I am 32 and in this estranged relationship with my husband and still living with my mother at the same time. I'm at a loss to try and describe this roller coaster of a ride. And I'm trying not to think too much of anything, but that's nearly impossible.

I say that I'm okay, but I must not be because I have rashes all over my body - in different places. Whatever I'm holding in must be expressing itself in this physical way. I went to the dermatologist and used the medicine in one place - the rash goes away - then it just pops up in a different place.

And I got a new car. One that he handled getting for me and one that he registered to both of our names so that's good right? And we still have our big trip planned so of course that must be good too...but deep in my heart I'm unsettled. Just wondering what this all means...and of course just wondering, if I do all the changing has he at all?

If he comes back, at least on the surface nothing has changed, rather more burdens to bear. His work is still his work and from the sounds of things it's only continuing to get busier. And he still drinks. And now he smokes again. And he's on antideppresant medication. What does that all mean? Rather than a changing of behaviors he has new ones or even deeper ones. On one occasion when I was away for the weekend we chatted by phone and he dropped a line that he drank an entire bottle of vodka that day. But then on another day he didn't drink one drop. And then...and then, we get along and hang out and have dinner and snuggle. And then one day after a change in medication and a couple of drinks he yells at me in the car to say, "I'm never coming back. I'd rather die that to live with you and your mother!" And I take it all in and look at the next day as a new day, but I guess I still hold it. Needless to say it's rather confusing.

So how do I write that? I stopped writing because I felt like all I did was repeat myself and how much I was crying. And guess what? I'm still crying.

Dare to Be Hopeful?

It was just seven days or so ago that I was hating myself. Do I still hate myself? Not quite. I'm not confident - I'm not anything.

Do I dare to be hopeful? The last session we had, he said he was leaning towards moving back home. I will believe it when I see it, I suppose.

Today I had the strongest urge to call him and just discuss the day - not that that was anything too important - but just someone to have some back and forth with. We i'md one line today, not much. I'm the one who reached out first so I figure beyond that, he'd call, right?

In just a few more days, the big event will be here. And God, how much I hope for it to all work out. I don't imagine I could take much more disappointment. Perhaps I've come to my tipping point in what I can handle. Doc says look at what I've been through - father's death at a young age, mother's stroke and now my husband leaving me - and I still function. There are moments though that I feel like absolutely giving up - I feel tired, tired of being responsible, tired of continuing to move forward regardless of how sad I feel.

And worst of all, for this time around, I feel most alone. Isn't that weird? You'd think as an ony child latchkey kid growing up - that would be the worst - and in many ways it was awful, but now, feeling rejected at this age, maybe I'm just taking it harder.

Oh well. We'll see where the day takes us...

Been Crying Like Crazy...

I went on two walks today and I've been crying like crazy. 

And tonight we had dinner together and even though I was tremendously happy to see him, during dinner I actually started to tear up.  I couldn't help myself.  And then after dinner we went to our separate cars and I was bawling so hard in my car.

I want so badly for everything to work out and yet, my anxiety kicks in and then my tears do too. And it doesn't help that I got my period today.

I want to give up.  I hit myself today in the face.  It had been a while but I wanted to "snap out of it".  Right now, I feel like I have been so patient and supportive and now I'm terrified that I'm about to take a turn into total depression or complete resentment and I don't want either feeling.

I want him to put me out of my misery.

In the meantime it has been suggested that he take some anti depressant medication...which of course I worry about because he drinks and smokes so all together?  What could happen with that type of concoction.  Hell, when I took my mom's sleeping pill when I felt horrible the night or two after he told me I had the worst possible dreams.  

What am I saying or talking about?

I am so f*cked in the head right now.   I just hate myself - hate the way I look, the way I feel, how I am just such a pathetic disgusting pig waiting around for my heart to be broken even more.  I can't make my own husband happy.  Instead I make him miserable....

I Don't Want to Celebrate

I saw my cousins this weekend. It was good. I love them. They are good people.

We talked about birthdays. I want to take my cousin and then my cousin in law out. They said that my birthday is first so they want to take me out.

I don't want to.

I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I want it to slip by me quietly as I am in mourning. My birthday comes just 5 days after what would be my seventh wedding anniversary. That too I want to go by quietly because inside I'll be screaming.

How can I celebrate my life when I don't feel completely alive? It will be the first in 10 years that I haven't celebrated with my husband in one form or another.

I just don't want to celebrate my birthday right now. Next year, I'll be back in full form, I promise - but this year, let me be. Let me NOT be the center of attention in which at the age of turning 32 I lose my husband and feel like such a failure.

I Think I'm Okay...

I think I'm okay and then...and then it hits me - the tears. They flow without the regard of the fact that I'm completely visible in my car along the PCH where drivers passing by can easily see me. I can't control the pain that emits from my throat - choking on my what little confidence I have left inside.

Come back to me. Just come home please. If you want, I'll forget all that happened if you want...but you don't even want - me. I'm not worth it to you - your life or your priority...

I was told by a mutual friend to communicate, communicate, communicate. But how do I communicate with someone who in couples therapy says, "I don't know"? And then this week? No couples therapy - your choice. But then in i.m., you invite me to a baseball game. And it brings me great hope and then it hits me the tears - all my fears realized in the idea that it is a mirage and that I can't grasp onto what appears for it can shatter so easily.

You aren't home. I don't sleep in our bed. Instead I sleep in another bed alone without you by my side. All this time I feared that you'd die the same age as my father. Instead I lost you at an even earlier age - you are 31 and he was 36. And while as a child I may have thought his dying was my fault I got over it. But this? You leaving? Why would I NOT think it was my fault? I wasn't enough...I'm not enough. And the Dr. says for me not to think that way - that you've got your issues, but Jesus everyone has issues and other men don't leave. You didn't even leave FOR another woman - you just left me.

It just hurts. How do I continue to tolerate this limbo? How will I keep from getting angry or completely depressed. In just a few weeks, the big event will be over and I won't be distracted in the same way. In fact, I may even become more sad for all my ups and downs over such a big event won't even be shared with you.

I sound so pathetic, but that's what I'm feeling right now.

Even With Hope

So a few days ago I said there was a glimpse of hope.

But now? I don't know. I'm in my head and thinking a million thoughts as I was driving earlier today and it occurred to me - "Who would want to stay married to me?"

There is no added value for my estranged husband to be with me. I have no brothers and sisters - so an extended family for him is neglible - sure he got along with my cousins and he still will regardless of me. We have no children together so there is no new or additional joy for us to share together. I rarely cook and at our busiest we rarely had sex. I'm only getting older and bigger.

If anything I am a burden. I come with a package - my mother. I make less money but I work a lot of hours so there is little time with me. Sure I can be a friend, but he has a whole network of friends so he doesn't really need me. And sex? Maybe he didn't enjoy it. Scarred body. Useless ovaries. And besides he can always find another to provide that for him and even have more of a chance to get pregnant with her.

I get it. I get why he doesn't want me. Right now he is free. No added baggage if I'm not around. Really what did I have to offer for HIM?

Him in my life? So much added value. He is entertaining. He can cook. He provides well. He has an extended family. He has a large social network. Whatever I have doesn't compare so I suppose he should be with someone better matched to him. Really. What was I thinking? Why was it so hard to believe that he would leave me? What an idiot I am.

Weeks

I know it's been weeks since I've written.  

I've slowed my expressive side because there hasn't been much progress.  

I don't know.  Two weeks ago, in session he said for sure headed toward divorce.  Then a baseball game together and in the next session it's a question mark.  And me?  I feel positive about that. Who knew a question mark could be so positive.  And yet, he hasn't tried to contact me.  I guess that's a good thing.

Limbo.  That is the word of the day.  The word of the last few weeks.  What is the tipping point towards one direction or another?  I'm not sure.

I'm thinking worst case scenario all the time.  What if?

What if we do get a divorce?  

House.  Must sell.  Can't buy him out.

Second job?  Pretty damn sure I'd have to do.

Date?  Impossible?  I've always said that I just can't imagine being single?  All over again? Jesus.

What if he meets someone new and gets her pregnant quick?  Then what?  Completely proves how worthless I am.

I don't know.  Have I said that already?  A broken record.   Now I sound like him. 

I need to fix the bathroom.  If not for my own sake, then at least to help the house sell in case I need to sell it.

I haven't talked to his parents.  I figured, why start now?  I think we had a positive relationship but hubby wasn't all that into visiting and I usually was the one to nudge in the first place.  I figure I'd email or send cards for special occasions or holidays.  That's the least I can do.

What do I do with all our dishes?  What do I do with our wedding photos?  Pretty meaningless now, huh?  They have a value for me but it's like torturing myself.  Where did it go?

How am I functioning right now?  Is it all a dream and I am going to wake up soon?  Is this really my reality?  Not going to make it to seven years of marriage?  Almost two months until our anniversary - instead it may become a divorce anniversary.  How weird, how bizarre, how just sad.

What the Web Tells Me

Searching, searching, searching and I find this site.  I'm tempted to send it to estranged husband.  Perhaps this is where he is at as well?

Are we in marriage counseling or separation counseling?

Dazed and Confused

I'm really walking around in a haze.  There are moments when I think, "I'm feeling better, really I am..."  And then in just moments that notion shatters within me so suddenly and with such depth that I feel like my breath has been stolen along with my heart.

I wonder if this is all a game - him just waiting for me to basically give up.  And believe me there are days when I just want to and say, "Fine, nevermind, let's not work on this at all."  But my heart of hearts denies that completely.

Perhaps though this wasn't meant to be.  Our friends just had their baby boy.  And an acquaintance of hubby - a former employee is having a baby boy.  But me?  Barren.  I mean the guy who just found out he was having a baby boy - within a year of his marriage he got so drunk and while away from his wife, at a party publicly fondled some other woman.  He and his wife? They are pregnant?  I don't get it?  Why them and not us?

Other pregnancies don't hurt me in a way where I'm not happy for them, just sad not even for myself, but for my husband.  My darling husband has wanted a child so long - even more than me and nothing.  I gave him nothing.  It just feels like we're getting punished even though I know we haven't done anything wrong.  But I don't know if that's really it.  If that's the whole story then maybe I would let go more easily, because then he can start his journey with someone else and have a child with another.  I imagine easily he could fall for someone else - especially if that person was the mother of his child.  He deserves it.  He is a good man.

What do I deserve?  I guess I have what I deserve.  It's not bad, but it is what it is.  I do have a good job and a good mother.  I have relatives and they are good people but they have slipped in and out of my life that it is easy to have them slip away from me again.  And friends - I know I have two very good friends, but they are leading such different lives - a family life with children.

I don't fit really anywhere or with anyone.  I thought I had the right fit with my husband, but if he doesn't see it that way, then I can't control that.  

So I cry again in front of the computer screen.  Will I ever stop crying?  I imagine so.  I did after my father died and I never thought I would.  I did after my mother had a stroke.  But this is a different kind of pain.  It hurts in such a different way.

This Cannot Be Good

It's 5:06 am on SATURDAY.  I awoke from a dream where I was screaming at Husband.  I asked him the things he had done and tried without me and he began to name them and he even had pictures.  And in it were pictures with him and other women - not alone, but activities out with friends.  And I confront him in my dream and he said nothing had happened.  I believed him and was so close to him, face to face, lips almost touching, and asked him, but do you want something to happen with me?  And he replied, "You don't want to ask me that question."  I woke up from the dream.

This cannot be good.

And of course, I'm crying.  I can't dream about this - my fears.  I need sleep.

Three days until I see him next.  Our next session is earlier this week - Tuesday, because he leaves for D.C. or rather, Virginia this Wednesday.  I know he was looking forward to this trip because he loves history and wants to visit all the museums.  I've been there several times and he's resented me for it and says it's because I never asked him, but never has he asked to join.  I've been there for work and one time with his niece, but interestingly enough - to none of the museums.  I always figured at some point we'd go together.  A few weeks ago, I did recall asking him if he wanted me to go with him - that I could figure something out, but I guess that conversation went to the wayside.

So what do I say at my session?  Each time I tell myself I will say nothing so that he says something more, but...that hasn't happened.

Tears

I can't seem to control the crying.

Today was a rough day and I'm not sure why.  Why wasn't yesterday - the day after therapy day?Don't get me wrong, I cried yesterday too, but today?  Today was particularly difficult.  I cried at my desk.  I cried and cried on the car ride home.  And in the middle of dinner, watching tv with my mother, I began to cry again.

The therapy session.  He wasn't there.  I mean physically he was there, but his presence - his energy - the effort needed, wasn't.  He felt distant.  No longing on his part.  But me?  I was so excited to see him, terrified but nonetheless excited to see him.  But I walked into the office and he seemed lifeless, no energy - a look of dread to endure another session after a long day of work and more work ahead of him.

And my heart sunk.  

That would mean no chance of getting beyond just bills after the session today.  No chance of me maybe convincing him to break bread together.  Weird.  Sad. Disappointing.

And of course I cried during the session.  I hate it when I cry.  I know he hates criers.  I hate criers.  But it keeps me from screaming at the top of my lungs.  It keeps me from actually hurting myself.  If he wanted to get revenge, have me feel his pain, well he's done it.  I don't know if he has any idea of my broken heart.    

He brought it up again - the fact that I told him that if he feels so unhappy then to get the f*ck out.  And of course he reminds me there was no fighting on his part - that he was quiet.  Like it's all of my fault - like I put him up to this.  But I think his silence was really because he's been wanting to leave - was just waiting for the moment to find "the" reason.  Get the f*ck out doesn't mean that divorce should be an option on the table.  Get the f*ck out means - I'm angry, what the hell do I do?  If I can't do anything, fix anything - you fix it the way you need to.  At the end of the day, he left me.  He left me.  He left his wife.  He left his family.  He turned his back on his family.  I can't get over it...

But I can't take it back.  I've apologized, many times.  And he's in no way going to forgive.  So now I just fantasize about ways to die.  About how I wish I could cut myself, be a cutter, but that of course is something I can't possibly do.  Too hard.  I did burn myself...just a little, very tiny little burns.  That happened the night he actually packed his stuff.  And then I did it one more time a few days later.  And now?  No burning.  I don't even have the guts to do it larger and for a longer period of time.  I feel so weak.

On Sunday, he asked to come by but that my mom and I should be gone.  He's taking his bike and taking more clothes and whatever else.  He's picked up the parts of his life that he likes and taking it elsewhere.  And me?  I'm in this big house looking around reminded of his presence. Where he is, is no remnant of me.  Lucky him.  So much choice and so much power. Psych says I have choices too.  It doesn't feel like it.

I go to a baby shower tomorrow with mostly people I don't know.  I guess that's good.  And of course I'm happy for the mom to be, but clearly it's hard.  I am not pregnant.  And now for sure won't get pregnant.  I imagined starting a family with him - regardless of how or what...and now?  He just gave up.  Doesn't even really want to try.  

This hurts.  It hurts like something I can't even describe.  I never thought I'd go through this kind of angst.  Almost like a teenager, but the feeling is deeper, cuts more to leave me hollow.  

To My Friend...

I wrote an email to a friend this evening.  This is what I wrote:

If it wasn't so crazy at work, I'd call. I'm miserable. I think it's heading toward divorce. Yes it is a real option on the table. I can't change anything, do anything, except take control over my own life. Easier said than done. I'd call you too, but to be honest I'm tired. Extremely tired. I feel like shit. I feel like it's my fault and then I don't. I feel like I'm a failure. I feel ashamed. I feel worthless. I feel angry. I feel like screaming. I feel like crying - and I cry and I cry and I cry in my bed, in the shower, anywhere where no one can hear me. I'm so busy at work and it's good, but then it's not. Silently I cry at my desk, get a hold of myself and work on an event that's supposed to bring $555,000 in 8 weeks, telling myself that I won't go over the edge if I fail at that too. And I can't hate him. His silence or just "I don't know" in our sessions rips away at my heart and my soul. And this isn't about being co dependent or anything like that, but it's crazy - he's my partner who doesn't want to "deal" with this anymore. He doesn't even have to say anything, I can just fell it. He has no suggestions to real wants from me, just not sure. So he hasn't even thought to "solve" or "fix" the problem...so then what? I feel tremendously ashamed. Another fucking statistic. I thought I was in the clear once Dan and Matt got divorced. That's 50% of us that got married during that time, BUT OF COURSE the divorce rate is 60% and that's where it seems to be headed. Doc says how much time are you willing/want to give him to figure it out. My first instinct FOREVER...sounds so cheesy, so lame so weak, but that's what my instinct was. But of course, what's a more realistic time because it's torture this waiting this not knowing... i tell myself that i'm better than wallowing in a corner but god there are more moments when i want to do just that - be in the silence, darkness in my tears, but there is so much to do. i want to quit work, but i can't that's ridiculous - how will i survive if i don't work? why would i do that to myself? he can't take that away from me, but i am so tired, so tired, so scared. i can't take a possible setback at work but i'm in events and every event is one complaint from tipping me over. anyways, that's where im at right now. earlier today, i was okay, but at this moment. awful.

Torture

Torture.  It's such a strong word, but this last week has been filled with torture - my heart.  At last week's couple's therapy session we both agreed to have absolutely NO contact.  

Needless to say, it's been hard.  I cry at least once a day.  Last night I missed a session because I was so tired from work.  But when I woke up to prepare my clothes in our bedroom (which I'm not sleeping in while he's gone), I got on the floor and just cried.  A silent cry, but so loud in my heart.  I wanted to wail, but even then I controlled myself as my mother is in the room next door.  I stopped crying to cross over into the bathroom, but once in the shower - naked, alone and vulnerable - I allowed even more tears to roll down my face.

Am I so awful to miss, need and want my husband?  My partner?  Am I so awful to feel terrified at the thought that he didn't miss me at all?  It's torture...What if I have a breakdown at work? 

Sometimes I'm teetering on the edge of insanity.

We are to see each other tomorrow which I want so badly but I am so afraid.  I'll just tear up I know it and cry and feel hurt and all those things and what man is going to want to see that? He'll just see it as another "stressor" in his life...God what is the right decision here?  What is the right emotion?  Right move?  

What in the hell happened?  

"I want to kiss you, do you want to kiss me?"

"No."

That's how the end of our "date" ended.  And then he opened the garage with the garage door opener and I got out of the car and went straight to the computer.

Why do I open myself up like that, knowing my instinct of what his reply would be.  He never reached for my hand the whole evening - nothing.  

And then I ask him about the kiss.  Stupid, stupid, stupid I am.

Missed the Test

So my period came and went and I missed the opportunity to take the last test - the fallopian tubes one.  Last week I had called the office and let them know that the period had started.  We couldn't coordinate a time when the radiologist would be in and she told me she'd call me back.  She never did.  I guess it wasn't meant to be considering all the sh*t that's been happening.

But no matter what, next month, I will take it - whether he's with me or without me.  I have to know if all this time it was me and a blocked fallopian tube or just us being idiots.

On another note it's Sunday morning.  He said he would call me this morning.  He knows I'm up as early as 7 am and I know he is too, but I guess I'm just supposed to wait.

I Am Pathetic?

It's 9:21 pm on a Saturday night and I'm just crying.  Just crying and writing at the same time and wondering why can't I just call my husband?  Why isn't he here home with me tonight?  What the hell happened?  Why can't he just be here with me?  What is wrong with me?  What is wrong with him?  What is wrong with us?

How can it ever be the same?  Maybe it's not supposed to be, but then what?  How did it get this far?  What the hell am I on this earth for?  Really, what impact do I have?  I went with mom, cousin in law and her two daughter to the movies and the whole time I was just faking...wondering, screaming inside, wondering where my husband was.  I must have checked my phone a million times just hoping that he would have called or even the answering machine - some sort of hello. 

Why is this happening to me?  I don't get it.  I must have been a horrible person in a past life - really.  What if this is my life?  What does that mean.  I thought I got my crying under control, but I guess I didn't.

Not One Word

We didn't actually talk yesterday evening.  Two voicemails, no three.  He left a voicemail, I returned a voicemail then he replied.  His last voicemail didn't sound so nice.  I guess I didn't understand his original voicemail and with this last voicemail he made it clear that he was upset that I called and that it is HE that would call me on Sunday.  He wanted time to think by himself.

This is hard.  No contact at all, when to me, it seemed like he and I agreed we'd at least try and say good night every night.

It's miserable and I just don't want to do anything, but his cousin wanted to know if me and mom would like to go to the movies.  Like to go - no.  Willing to go because I know my mom loves movies and what the hell else am I going to do I guess.  I'd rather read.  I wonder if they'll let me skip out on that part.  We'll see.

I don't get it.  I really don't get where he is at all.  

My mom asked if he asked how she was doing.  I didn't have the heart to tell her he hasn't asked.  I told myself to be hopeful and not negative but I'm thinking the worst.  

I emailed his parents just to check in and let them know my silence wasn't about ignoring them, just really because it was up to him.

I don't know, I can't even explain all of this.

From Worse to Worse

I don't know what I've written before...it seems like time is passing by so quickly yet so slowly at the same time.  I'm getting the days mixed up, but he has definitely left the house.  

We are officially separated and the thoughts and emotions that have developed from within me about this are all over the place.  I feel him leaving the house is one of the worst decisions he has ever made, but perhaps he knows I'll always take him back.  Maybe that's really it.  

Perhaps he really wants to leave.  I'm not sure.  

There is so much speculation and I imagine it really is a bit of everything, but it's hard to distinguish what is the top priority in his life.  Obviously, work is the top - really.  If it wasn't - then he'd change what's happening at work versus what's happening at home.  So that's his number one commitment and I suppose it should be - it's the one thing he has the most control over and the one thing that provides the most immediate gratification - whether positive or negative.  There is always a reaction, a need, a comfort that is provided by his employees there - constantly, and that doesn't happen from me here all the time.  I can't.  Although he says our stresses are incomparable - there is a great deal on my plate.  I work, I commute, I'm a daughter, I'm a wife and now I'm here in this big house with my mother - failing in my marriage.

His cousin asked me last night, "If he does come back, will you be able to trust him?"

Of course.  What else would I have?  I have already experience so much in my 31 years of life that all I can have is my faith in my love and marriage with him.  Again, can I imagine years of marriage without a blip?  His separating from me - is that the worst point in my life?  Yes and no.  I lost my father at the age of eleven!  Then, I thought it was the worst.  Suicidal thoughts in my teen years were constant.  I was a latchkey kid - my mom was working 10-12 hour days.  I had to be responsible at such a young age.  My college years I think I enjoyed so much because it was what I believed to be the most "freeing" time.  I even graduated early to pursue adventure of travel or just being out there.  The adventure certainly came, but not one that I had imagined.  My mother had a stroke.  Next thing I knew, at 21, I was bathing her.  Was that the worst point in my life?  I thought so then, but I, actually she and I, we got through it.  

So meeting hubby was this beautiful, amazing part of my life.  What I thought could be the worst case scenario became amazing.  He was my rock, my everything - funny, attractive, stylish, talented.

So to come to this point?  I mean 7 years of marriage, I suppose things are going to change.  But I never would have expected this.

Waking Up Crying?

I don't recall that ever happening to me.  Sleeping and literally waking up crying.  

How did this blog go from On Getting Pregnant to Maybe Getting A Divorce?

My heart is breaking into a million little pieces.  And internally I just, I just don't know...

What if really he wants a divorce after this separation?  What are the rules of separation?  How does he get a "vacation" from me and things get fixed from this?  I don't understand it.  Of course I'll do what it takes to save the marriage and if this is included in how it might happen it's pretty damn scary cuz that means that to save it means that it could potentially be lost forever.

It's damaging in a sense though no matter which way you cut it.  What if I had gotten pregnant? Would he have separated from me then?  I guess he would have...

I just have to face the fact that he doesn't WANT to be here...with me.  You know he already knows the place he'll be staying.  With a single guy that drinks and drives.  Great, yup that's the environment that I would expect a great place for transformation.  But hey, at least he's heading out to Hawaii with a buddy of his.  That's his place though - loves Hawaii.  Hell, he might scout for houses - ditch the wife, finally ditch the job and make his exodus there.  

I suppose we were too young when we got married and got too much stuff too soon.  I don't know...

I don't want to share with friends anything but he has already shared.  Amazingly enough, no one's told him not to leave.  He must really be presenting it in such a way that me and my mom and this house are that toxic that he can't even address his own issues without having totally leaving us.  But that works.  My life has never been an easy one...when it has been I always knew it was to good to be true.  

I'll tell you though, this sure doesn't help the self esteem factor.  And to think, yesterday the CEO pulls me into the room to give me tips on really taking command of a room, believing in myself and portraying confidence.

Damn any remnant of that is shattered now.  I can't even keep a man. And as far as I know, I'm not even competing against another woman  I am just so damn awful by myself that the push was enough...there wasn't even a pull.

I Knew It

I knew it.  I knew that my marriage was at a crossroads.  Tonight, finally my husband took me for a drive and basically told me he felt unhappy...hated coming home - dealing with the stress of me, of my mom.

I just knew it and what do I do with it?  How am I here typing on my computer?  We returned home and he wanted to continue to drive.  

Who do I talk to?  There was so much that was said.  I can't even repeat it all, well I suppose I could but my God.  I think we may end our marriage.  There, I said it.  I hate that I said it, but there was nothing hopeful on his end - not even one drip of hope.  He said that yesterday he thought about killing himself.  Great.  We don't need both of us on that feeling.

I want to scream at him and yell at him and tell him he is still so f*cking lucky but he doesn't see it - no perspective with him.  But whatever, he has no idea...

He says it's stress with work, stress of our living situation, that I'm not supportive - have never been.  Maybe perhaps there is also someone else?  Someone else that is there for him in that way that I'm not?  I don't know.  It seems like such a leap to think that, but at this point - I might as well think the worst.  But of course I'd want that.  If it was another person then I would  have someone to blame other than myself.  Instead I just feel worthless - not enough, and of course like I am at fault.  I have caused his heartache and stress.  

I have to move forward to push forward to breathe to get through this.  This is not the worst thing to have happened in my life nor will it be the worst thing to happen in the rest of my life.  I must breathe, I must move forward, I must...I must because otherwise there is nothing.

At a Crossroads

I think the he and me are at a crossroads.  We're each thirty one and have now been married just about seven years.  We have the house, the cars, the jobs and the stress.  So what's next?  A kid, but of course as you know I'm not pregnant.

I had explained that we saw the doctor and you'd think that'd set us on the right path but a week after, the hubby and I had one of our biggest blowups yet.  It's such a mix of emotions and his stress at work doesn't help things whatsoever.  I know he's disappointed.  He said that he wanted to be a dad before thirty and now well, we're older than thirty.  I personally think he's having an early mid-life crisis.  Sometimes I want to kick him and say, "Snap out of it!  You are one of the luckiest people in the world - you should be grateful, rather than disappointed."  But he's his own person with his own feelings and I can't negate that.  But it makes me wonder a little...what if?  What if we don't have kids?  What if we have a kid with a developmental disability?  Can he handle it?  Can he put up with it?  I have no idea.

And me?  How am I feeling?  Still confused and a little lost.  I am extremely grateful and thankful for my general circumstances but I've been in a funk as well.  Still not pregnant and a good friend of mine at work just left.  And then of course, working and not feeling like I'm accomplishing much, but hey, whatever.  This too shall pass.

So my boobs hurt like hell which means my period is on its way.  That means I'll be taking the next test - some fallopian tube thing.  Joy.

A Little Relief...

I actually felt a little relief yesterday.

We went to see the fertility specialist and no I'm not crazy.  At the age of 31, relatively okay shape and after 2 1/2 to 3 years of trying I should have gotten pregnant.  It felt reassuring to hear a doctor confirm that I can't pregnant.  Of course he looked through my records and didn't do any new tests, but I believe him - I mean he sees this stuff everyday.

Hubby thought he was kind of a jerk, but we actually ended up laughing with the guy.  I liked him. We may even join a study in which I'd be a part of and get a very super discounted IVF opportunity.  I suppose blessing in disguise that we walked in when we did.

Of course I have to first find out one thing - what do my fallopian tubes look like.  And if it's blocked, I may have to get rid of the blocked tube to be included in the test.  So when I get my period next I'll be calling the radiology place and the nurse that's handling the logistics of the study.  I hope and pray that the path that I'm supposed to be on is the right one. 

In the meantime, sweet relief yesterday but today?  Feel like shit.  Hubby is crazy busy with work and I just don't know how to react about it anymore.  What in the hell does he want?  I'm not sure.  The way that he looks at me sometimes or some of the things he says, I really feel like he regrets having got married to me - not that he doesn't like me as a person per se - but just getting into marriage and partaking in the whole family provider thing.  He constantly complains about how there is never enough money - I don't want to be the source of that disappointment.  I'm fine to just go back to nothing or not nothing, but less.  So I wonder what will happen.  But I'm tired.

The whole last few weeks has been incredibly trying on me.  One of the family dogs died - really my mother's "baby" and then she took a turn for the worse and I don't know what to think.  Is she sick?  Is she depressed?  Is she just grieving?  Does she actually have a physical condition I need to worry about?  We've been to the doctor twice and today she had a blood and urine test.  We'll see what results await us.  If there are some things that are "elevated" still - then that means more test.  I don't think she can take it and hell, I don't know if I can either.

And of course, work.  Work is killing me, but I asked for it.  I made the choice to do it but I don't feel like I'm worth anything. Hubby comes home and talks about how he's worked 10-12 hour days but doesn't acknowledge that I too have been working like crazy.  And work itself - my morale is actually extremely low.  I just want to give up.  If I do, maybe mother would feel like I'm not abandoning her, hubby would feel like his wife actually tries to be a "wife" and the woman I'm supervising can finally just take my job.  I feel like I'm trying here, but nobody is validating what I'm feeling - my stress, my loss, my everything...I don't know.  I'm just a big whiner.  Jesus, I have everything and yet I find some way to cry about it.

The Boobs Are Tender

So the boobs are tender.  And what does that mean?  Another period.

It's amazing to think I even blog about this.  In the grand scheme of things is getting pregnant really the most important thing?

Random thoughts...

We had sex only three times so far in this month and already from my count (if I did it right) the moment's already passed to actually get pregnant again.  Why only three times?  Because I've been as sick as a dog and been busy like hell at work.  

The excitement of sex isn't motivating either when you come home to find your mother distraught over the loss of the family dog and tears well so big and the choking on the throat from a pain inside so deep comes out without any regard.  That so does not lead to foreplay.  And neither does learning that a good friend at work had his last day at work and another co-worker has just resigned.  Those happy neurons just aren't jumpin and therefore, neither is my libido.

So I just wonder, what is it?  Is it timing?  Is it my lack of being able to properly use the damn ovulation sticks?  I mean it didn't seem like there was a "surge", but of course I missed one day - maybe that was the surge day?  And of course, let's face it, three times in a month?  I'm not exactly upping my chances with those kinds of numbers.

And then I wonder, seriously, maybe it's not meant to be.  They say global warming and its horrible effects are happening now and the end of the world is just right around the corner.  So do I want to bring a child into this world?

Yes.  I still do.  And don't get me wrong, I'm still into the idea of adoption, but jesus, I'm lazy.  Everyday I'm dealing with work and the thought of the process of adoption?  Jesus.  I was just hoping I would get pregnant - enjoy that and then worry once that baby popped out.  

Whatever.  In the meantime, the signs of another period are on the horizon.  It breaks my heart.

An Appointment

An appointment has been made to see a fertility specialist. $315.00 for the initial consultation if insurance doesn't cover. Let's see what happens.

In the meantime best friend had her twins. AMAZING. So so so happy for her. When she told me about the whole birthing process it was crazy. After we got off the phone I started crying so hard. I wish I could be there with her.