Even With Hope

So a few days ago I said there was a glimpse of hope.

But now? I don't know. I'm in my head and thinking a million thoughts as I was driving earlier today and it occurred to me - "Who would want to stay married to me?"

There is no added value for my estranged husband to be with me. I have no brothers and sisters - so an extended family for him is neglible - sure he got along with my cousins and he still will regardless of me. We have no children together so there is no new or additional joy for us to share together. I rarely cook and at our busiest we rarely had sex. I'm only getting older and bigger.

If anything I am a burden. I come with a package - my mother. I make less money but I work a lot of hours so there is little time with me. Sure I can be a friend, but he has a whole network of friends so he doesn't really need me. And sex? Maybe he didn't enjoy it. Scarred body. Useless ovaries. And besides he can always find another to provide that for him and even have more of a chance to get pregnant with her.

I get it. I get why he doesn't want me. Right now he is free. No added baggage if I'm not around. Really what did I have to offer for HIM?

Him in my life? So much added value. He is entertaining. He can cook. He provides well. He has an extended family. He has a large social network. Whatever I have doesn't compare so I suppose he should be with someone better matched to him. Really. What was I thinking? Why was it so hard to believe that he would leave me? What an idiot I am.