What the Web Tells Me

Searching, searching, searching and I find this site.  I'm tempted to send it to estranged husband.  Perhaps this is where he is at as well?

Are we in marriage counseling or separation counseling?

Dazed and Confused

I'm really walking around in a haze.  There are moments when I think, "I'm feeling better, really I am..."  And then in just moments that notion shatters within me so suddenly and with such depth that I feel like my breath has been stolen along with my heart.

I wonder if this is all a game - him just waiting for me to basically give up.  And believe me there are days when I just want to and say, "Fine, nevermind, let's not work on this at all."  But my heart of hearts denies that completely.

Perhaps though this wasn't meant to be.  Our friends just had their baby boy.  And an acquaintance of hubby - a former employee is having a baby boy.  But me?  Barren.  I mean the guy who just found out he was having a baby boy - within a year of his marriage he got so drunk and while away from his wife, at a party publicly fondled some other woman.  He and his wife? They are pregnant?  I don't get it?  Why them and not us?

Other pregnancies don't hurt me in a way where I'm not happy for them, just sad not even for myself, but for my husband.  My darling husband has wanted a child so long - even more than me and nothing.  I gave him nothing.  It just feels like we're getting punished even though I know we haven't done anything wrong.  But I don't know if that's really it.  If that's the whole story then maybe I would let go more easily, because then he can start his journey with someone else and have a child with another.  I imagine easily he could fall for someone else - especially if that person was the mother of his child.  He deserves it.  He is a good man.

What do I deserve?  I guess I have what I deserve.  It's not bad, but it is what it is.  I do have a good job and a good mother.  I have relatives and they are good people but they have slipped in and out of my life that it is easy to have them slip away from me again.  And friends - I know I have two very good friends, but they are leading such different lives - a family life with children.

I don't fit really anywhere or with anyone.  I thought I had the right fit with my husband, but if he doesn't see it that way, then I can't control that.  

So I cry again in front of the computer screen.  Will I ever stop crying?  I imagine so.  I did after my father died and I never thought I would.  I did after my mother had a stroke.  But this is a different kind of pain.  It hurts in such a different way.

This Cannot Be Good

It's 5:06 am on SATURDAY.  I awoke from a dream where I was screaming at Husband.  I asked him the things he had done and tried without me and he began to name them and he even had pictures.  And in it were pictures with him and other women - not alone, but activities out with friends.  And I confront him in my dream and he said nothing had happened.  I believed him and was so close to him, face to face, lips almost touching, and asked him, but do you want something to happen with me?  And he replied, "You don't want to ask me that question."  I woke up from the dream.

This cannot be good.

And of course, I'm crying.  I can't dream about this - my fears.  I need sleep.

Three days until I see him next.  Our next session is earlier this week - Tuesday, because he leaves for D.C. or rather, Virginia this Wednesday.  I know he was looking forward to this trip because he loves history and wants to visit all the museums.  I've been there several times and he's resented me for it and says it's because I never asked him, but never has he asked to join.  I've been there for work and one time with his niece, but interestingly enough - to none of the museums.  I always figured at some point we'd go together.  A few weeks ago, I did recall asking him if he wanted me to go with him - that I could figure something out, but I guess that conversation went to the wayside.

So what do I say at my session?  Each time I tell myself I will say nothing so that he says something more, but...that hasn't happened.

Tears

I can't seem to control the crying.

Today was a rough day and I'm not sure why.  Why wasn't yesterday - the day after therapy day?Don't get me wrong, I cried yesterday too, but today?  Today was particularly difficult.  I cried at my desk.  I cried and cried on the car ride home.  And in the middle of dinner, watching tv with my mother, I began to cry again.

The therapy session.  He wasn't there.  I mean physically he was there, but his presence - his energy - the effort needed, wasn't.  He felt distant.  No longing on his part.  But me?  I was so excited to see him, terrified but nonetheless excited to see him.  But I walked into the office and he seemed lifeless, no energy - a look of dread to endure another session after a long day of work and more work ahead of him.

And my heart sunk.  

That would mean no chance of getting beyond just bills after the session today.  No chance of me maybe convincing him to break bread together.  Weird.  Sad. Disappointing.

And of course I cried during the session.  I hate it when I cry.  I know he hates criers.  I hate criers.  But it keeps me from screaming at the top of my lungs.  It keeps me from actually hurting myself.  If he wanted to get revenge, have me feel his pain, well he's done it.  I don't know if he has any idea of my broken heart.    

He brought it up again - the fact that I told him that if he feels so unhappy then to get the f*ck out.  And of course he reminds me there was no fighting on his part - that he was quiet.  Like it's all of my fault - like I put him up to this.  But I think his silence was really because he's been wanting to leave - was just waiting for the moment to find "the" reason.  Get the f*ck out doesn't mean that divorce should be an option on the table.  Get the f*ck out means - I'm angry, what the hell do I do?  If I can't do anything, fix anything - you fix it the way you need to.  At the end of the day, he left me.  He left me.  He left his wife.  He left his family.  He turned his back on his family.  I can't get over it...

But I can't take it back.  I've apologized, many times.  And he's in no way going to forgive.  So now I just fantasize about ways to die.  About how I wish I could cut myself, be a cutter, but that of course is something I can't possibly do.  Too hard.  I did burn myself...just a little, very tiny little burns.  That happened the night he actually packed his stuff.  And then I did it one more time a few days later.  And now?  No burning.  I don't even have the guts to do it larger and for a longer period of time.  I feel so weak.

On Sunday, he asked to come by but that my mom and I should be gone.  He's taking his bike and taking more clothes and whatever else.  He's picked up the parts of his life that he likes and taking it elsewhere.  And me?  I'm in this big house looking around reminded of his presence. Where he is, is no remnant of me.  Lucky him.  So much choice and so much power. Psych says I have choices too.  It doesn't feel like it.

I go to a baby shower tomorrow with mostly people I don't know.  I guess that's good.  And of course I'm happy for the mom to be, but clearly it's hard.  I am not pregnant.  And now for sure won't get pregnant.  I imagined starting a family with him - regardless of how or what...and now?  He just gave up.  Doesn't even really want to try.  

This hurts.  It hurts like something I can't even describe.  I never thought I'd go through this kind of angst.  Almost like a teenager, but the feeling is deeper, cuts more to leave me hollow.  

To My Friend...

I wrote an email to a friend this evening.  This is what I wrote:

If it wasn't so crazy at work, I'd call. I'm miserable. I think it's heading toward divorce. Yes it is a real option on the table. I can't change anything, do anything, except take control over my own life. Easier said than done. I'd call you too, but to be honest I'm tired. Extremely tired. I feel like shit. I feel like it's my fault and then I don't. I feel like I'm a failure. I feel ashamed. I feel worthless. I feel angry. I feel like screaming. I feel like crying - and I cry and I cry and I cry in my bed, in the shower, anywhere where no one can hear me. I'm so busy at work and it's good, but then it's not. Silently I cry at my desk, get a hold of myself and work on an event that's supposed to bring $555,000 in 8 weeks, telling myself that I won't go over the edge if I fail at that too. And I can't hate him. His silence or just "I don't know" in our sessions rips away at my heart and my soul. And this isn't about being co dependent or anything like that, but it's crazy - he's my partner who doesn't want to "deal" with this anymore. He doesn't even have to say anything, I can just fell it. He has no suggestions to real wants from me, just not sure. So he hasn't even thought to "solve" or "fix" the problem...so then what? I feel tremendously ashamed. Another fucking statistic. I thought I was in the clear once Dan and Matt got divorced. That's 50% of us that got married during that time, BUT OF COURSE the divorce rate is 60% and that's where it seems to be headed. Doc says how much time are you willing/want to give him to figure it out. My first instinct FOREVER...sounds so cheesy, so lame so weak, but that's what my instinct was. But of course, what's a more realistic time because it's torture this waiting this not knowing... i tell myself that i'm better than wallowing in a corner but god there are more moments when i want to do just that - be in the silence, darkness in my tears, but there is so much to do. i want to quit work, but i can't that's ridiculous - how will i survive if i don't work? why would i do that to myself? he can't take that away from me, but i am so tired, so tired, so scared. i can't take a possible setback at work but i'm in events and every event is one complaint from tipping me over. anyways, that's where im at right now. earlier today, i was okay, but at this moment. awful.

Torture

Torture.  It's such a strong word, but this last week has been filled with torture - my heart.  At last week's couple's therapy session we both agreed to have absolutely NO contact.  

Needless to say, it's been hard.  I cry at least once a day.  Last night I missed a session because I was so tired from work.  But when I woke up to prepare my clothes in our bedroom (which I'm not sleeping in while he's gone), I got on the floor and just cried.  A silent cry, but so loud in my heart.  I wanted to wail, but even then I controlled myself as my mother is in the room next door.  I stopped crying to cross over into the bathroom, but once in the shower - naked, alone and vulnerable - I allowed even more tears to roll down my face.

Am I so awful to miss, need and want my husband?  My partner?  Am I so awful to feel terrified at the thought that he didn't miss me at all?  It's torture...What if I have a breakdown at work? 

Sometimes I'm teetering on the edge of insanity.

We are to see each other tomorrow which I want so badly but I am so afraid.  I'll just tear up I know it and cry and feel hurt and all those things and what man is going to want to see that? He'll just see it as another "stressor" in his life...God what is the right decision here?  What is the right emotion?  Right move?  

What in the hell happened?  

"I want to kiss you, do you want to kiss me?"

"No."

That's how the end of our "date" ended.  And then he opened the garage with the garage door opener and I got out of the car and went straight to the computer.

Why do I open myself up like that, knowing my instinct of what his reply would be.  He never reached for my hand the whole evening - nothing.  

And then I ask him about the kiss.  Stupid, stupid, stupid I am.

Missed the Test

So my period came and went and I missed the opportunity to take the last test - the fallopian tubes one.  Last week I had called the office and let them know that the period had started.  We couldn't coordinate a time when the radiologist would be in and she told me she'd call me back.  She never did.  I guess it wasn't meant to be considering all the sh*t that's been happening.

But no matter what, next month, I will take it - whether he's with me or without me.  I have to know if all this time it was me and a blocked fallopian tube or just us being idiots.

On another note it's Sunday morning.  He said he would call me this morning.  He knows I'm up as early as 7 am and I know he is too, but I guess I'm just supposed to wait.

I Am Pathetic?

It's 9:21 pm on a Saturday night and I'm just crying.  Just crying and writing at the same time and wondering why can't I just call my husband?  Why isn't he here home with me tonight?  What the hell happened?  Why can't he just be here with me?  What is wrong with me?  What is wrong with him?  What is wrong with us?

How can it ever be the same?  Maybe it's not supposed to be, but then what?  How did it get this far?  What the hell am I on this earth for?  Really, what impact do I have?  I went with mom, cousin in law and her two daughter to the movies and the whole time I was just faking...wondering, screaming inside, wondering where my husband was.  I must have checked my phone a million times just hoping that he would have called or even the answering machine - some sort of hello. 

Why is this happening to me?  I don't get it.  I must have been a horrible person in a past life - really.  What if this is my life?  What does that mean.  I thought I got my crying under control, but I guess I didn't.

Not One Word

We didn't actually talk yesterday evening.  Two voicemails, no three.  He left a voicemail, I returned a voicemail then he replied.  His last voicemail didn't sound so nice.  I guess I didn't understand his original voicemail and with this last voicemail he made it clear that he was upset that I called and that it is HE that would call me on Sunday.  He wanted time to think by himself.

This is hard.  No contact at all, when to me, it seemed like he and I agreed we'd at least try and say good night every night.

It's miserable and I just don't want to do anything, but his cousin wanted to know if me and mom would like to go to the movies.  Like to go - no.  Willing to go because I know my mom loves movies and what the hell else am I going to do I guess.  I'd rather read.  I wonder if they'll let me skip out on that part.  We'll see.

I don't get it.  I really don't get where he is at all.  

My mom asked if he asked how she was doing.  I didn't have the heart to tell her he hasn't asked.  I told myself to be hopeful and not negative but I'm thinking the worst.  

I emailed his parents just to check in and let them know my silence wasn't about ignoring them, just really because it was up to him.

I don't know, I can't even explain all of this.

From Worse to Worse

I don't know what I've written before...it seems like time is passing by so quickly yet so slowly at the same time.  I'm getting the days mixed up, but he has definitely left the house.  

We are officially separated and the thoughts and emotions that have developed from within me about this are all over the place.  I feel him leaving the house is one of the worst decisions he has ever made, but perhaps he knows I'll always take him back.  Maybe that's really it.  

Perhaps he really wants to leave.  I'm not sure.  

There is so much speculation and I imagine it really is a bit of everything, but it's hard to distinguish what is the top priority in his life.  Obviously, work is the top - really.  If it wasn't - then he'd change what's happening at work versus what's happening at home.  So that's his number one commitment and I suppose it should be - it's the one thing he has the most control over and the one thing that provides the most immediate gratification - whether positive or negative.  There is always a reaction, a need, a comfort that is provided by his employees there - constantly, and that doesn't happen from me here all the time.  I can't.  Although he says our stresses are incomparable - there is a great deal on my plate.  I work, I commute, I'm a daughter, I'm a wife and now I'm here in this big house with my mother - failing in my marriage.

His cousin asked me last night, "If he does come back, will you be able to trust him?"

Of course.  What else would I have?  I have already experience so much in my 31 years of life that all I can have is my faith in my love and marriage with him.  Again, can I imagine years of marriage without a blip?  His separating from me - is that the worst point in my life?  Yes and no.  I lost my father at the age of eleven!  Then, I thought it was the worst.  Suicidal thoughts in my teen years were constant.  I was a latchkey kid - my mom was working 10-12 hour days.  I had to be responsible at such a young age.  My college years I think I enjoyed so much because it was what I believed to be the most "freeing" time.  I even graduated early to pursue adventure of travel or just being out there.  The adventure certainly came, but not one that I had imagined.  My mother had a stroke.  Next thing I knew, at 21, I was bathing her.  Was that the worst point in my life?  I thought so then, but I, actually she and I, we got through it.  

So meeting hubby was this beautiful, amazing part of my life.  What I thought could be the worst case scenario became amazing.  He was my rock, my everything - funny, attractive, stylish, talented.

So to come to this point?  I mean 7 years of marriage, I suppose things are going to change.  But I never would have expected this.