Torture

Torture.  It's such a strong word, but this last week has been filled with torture - my heart.  At last week's couple's therapy session we both agreed to have absolutely NO contact.  

Needless to say, it's been hard.  I cry at least once a day.  Last night I missed a session because I was so tired from work.  But when I woke up to prepare my clothes in our bedroom (which I'm not sleeping in while he's gone), I got on the floor and just cried.  A silent cry, but so loud in my heart.  I wanted to wail, but even then I controlled myself as my mother is in the room next door.  I stopped crying to cross over into the bathroom, but once in the shower - naked, alone and vulnerable - I allowed even more tears to roll down my face.

Am I so awful to miss, need and want my husband?  My partner?  Am I so awful to feel terrified at the thought that he didn't miss me at all?  It's torture...What if I have a breakdown at work? 

Sometimes I'm teetering on the edge of insanity.

We are to see each other tomorrow which I want so badly but I am so afraid.  I'll just tear up I know it and cry and feel hurt and all those things and what man is going to want to see that? He'll just see it as another "stressor" in his life...God what is the right decision here?  What is the right emotion?  Right move?  

What in the hell happened?