Last Post in March?

It is now August. Wow, a few months between each post? I suppose that really does mean things are getting better, right?

So what am I so worried about? I really have some serious trust issues and want so much to confront him on so many different things where I believe I caught him lies. But what's the point right? For the most part he is home.

Perhaps as usual, I'm about to be on my period, so well - this is when most of this comes out.

In the meantime, work has hit an all time low if that's possible. There have been layoffs and I didn't realize how much it would make me feel. I am incredibly angry and perhaps I'm transferring my leftover pain from the relationship with my husband to work.

I feel incredibly lost with some things right now and am looking for guidance. Of course what's happening at work doesn't compare to what happened to me and the husband, but I don't know.

Ugh.

Am I finally at my tipping point?

What do I want though?

I want to visit Italy.

I want to win the lottery. Ha.

I want to have a child or be around children somehow.

I want my marriage to have that same ease of trust and communication that it once did.

I want to do something artistic again - whether it's spoken word, singing, guitar or comedy.

I've just got to break out of my shell of fear. I know. I've always got an excuse.

Can I Truly Hope?

Today is March 29.

It was another good weekend. Can I truly hope and believe? Should I allow myself to feel this way?

I mean it was another weekend revolving him - watching him get his tattoo and going to lunch with his friends. And I enjoyed it, but I get bitter and scared and resentful so I want to go to a dark place.

Yesterday on our way to his tatoo parlor, he mentioned a bachelor party that he was going to and I asked him about the wedding and if he was going and he said yes and then he was quick to say how the guy said no guests. And I totally get that, but, but I just cried. I told him that I wasn't crying - that I was just tearing up from yawning, but inside I was crying so hard, just because it felt like shit. It hurts, this whole situation hurts so much because I am not the same to him. Am I really his wife? You know my picture was turned down at his desk, he doesn't wear his ring and he doesn't say to the guy, "Can I bring my wife?". He just says are we allowed to bring anyone. So right now, I am just anyone and it feels like shit.

But then the rest of the weekend is good, feels good, so I just don't f*cking know. I don't want to doubt myslef, don't think I should doubt myself because any weakness and it's like it just makes me look like more of an ass than I already am. So this is bad, because getting back into this pseudo relationship, I shouldn't be going in it like this. I still have my doubts and fears. HOW DO I TRUST, JUST TRUST AGAIN, HOW DO I REGAIN MYSELF AS A PERSON TO THINK I'M WORTHY OF MYSELF AND A RELATIONSHIP THAT I DESERVE TO BE GOOD?

I want it to be him but I want more. I want him to truly want me. He's just a 1/3 of the way there, but truth, he's not truthful - not yet. He hasn't come clean, he hasn't chased after me, truly chased after me or what I believe is to be a true and genuine apology. I think I'm just more angry that he hasn't owned up to all of it. And I just don't know if it's ever going to happen. Is he ready for his truth? Am I ready to see it?

Friday Night

So it's Friday night, 10:18 pm.

I partook (is that a word?) in retail therapy - something I can't afford, but did. Retail remorse. Ugh.

Mom is in bed. Gus is supposedly tired and went to a meeting and went to sleep. I've texted him and no reply. He sounded tired for sure, but I wonder at times, if he's making time to see that other girl - PSB. Yup, a different one from AF. I wonder if we stay in this marriage if he will see different women at different times when it gets hard for him. I am obviously not enough. Not enough for him. I am enough for me, but now what? I guess I'm just being impatient and imposing self hate because I'm not in control of anything. I'm in control of me but obviously I'm not all there yet.

And now I'm eating a cookie. I could eat a million if I didn't feel like such a fat pig. I've finally lost weight and now I eat and eat because I'm just at a loss. I want to actually lose even more weight. I want to be skinny - meaning that would be 120 lbs for me, but I'm scared to do it too - I love food too much. Ha.

I'm writing while watching Grey's Anatomy.

It's depressing me.

My life is going to be better, right? Yes. I want it to be better. I will be better.

Has It Really Been a Month?

Has it really been over a month since I've written?

So much and so little has happened.

He stopped the divorce process.

We've had sex.

He's slept over.

I've slept over.

I have a new dog or did I mention that in the last post?

In the moment of being with him, I feel great. When away, I slowly fall apart inside. I am still distrustful. It's crazy, but I feel like the truth is not all out there. This is not the way a relationship is supposed to be. But I guess I'm just scared - just so confused at times. I feel like it's not clear as to what he wants - if he really wants this.

It's Been A While

It's been a while since I've written. That is usually a good thing then. That means distracted happiness rather than melancholy lonely moments where my brain wanders.

So what has been happening then? Well I'm back on track for work and I've committed to being there for one more dinner.

It also means that I've been doing things with friends like watching an LL Cool J concert and hitting up Dine L.A.

And it also happens to mean that I've been seeing hubby again. In fact, we hung out all yesterday and evening. We got each other Vday gifts and all that and well, it felt good to be with him. Really good which scares the hell out of me, but I try to take it one day at a time. We made no plans for today, which is fine. And I try and not think that there is anyone else or anything else. So I focus on me.

We have a new dog - Daisy. She's a dobie and she's great. Needs some work but relatively gets along with Raider.

I want this to work - that is me and hubby. But who knows? I keep a measured distance from true hope - keep the idea at bay and try not to let myself get resentful of the situation entirely. I mean, what is all of this?

One day at a time. Are we still married? Are we faithful to one each other? Monagamous? Are we still to support each other? If I found out I had some dreadful disease would he be here WITH me?

Okay, see it's happening - I'm thinking beyond just the now.

Back to reality. Me in bed, by myself on my laptop (that he gave me), about to turn on the flatscreen tv (that he gave me for v-day). Nice, right? I texted him that the real gift was him though. I didn't give him anything like that of the sort - can't afford it. Some candles, a fish, box full of reese's peanut butter cups, and a book of love thoughts from me.

It's freezing.

What the Hell is Wrong with Me?

Ugh.

I am so anxious right now.

And I had an i'm exchange with estranged husband in which it went like the following:

ME: what time and where is your softball tourney on sat?
HIM: rancho
ME: we leaving around 8 again
HIM: why u want to take care of the dog
ME: yah ill pick him up!
ME: will it be all day?
ME: hee hee. maybe he and i can visit you later at your game out there.
ME: is it more like a park or like that big leagues place?
ME: i might have to do just an errand or two for my mom that morning so can you tell your parents to let me in to get him or will you just leave the door unlocked?
ME: and then you can pick him up on your way home or i can drop him off if you want to hang out that evening. or will i see you tonight or tomorrow night?
HIM: I can leave the door unlocked
ME: okie dokie.
HIM: tonight going to Mike's and tomorrow meeting
HIM: we can hang sat night
ME: right the sponsor mike...
HIM: I would rather you not come watch
ME: ?
ME: awkward because we are separated and the guys seeing me or because?
HIM: because it is something that I like to do with my friends...gets me out of my reality don't need u there reminding me that my life is fucked up right now
HIM went away at 11:24:00 AM.
ME: oh okay.

OUCH! Reading that, it hurts right? we just hung out last night and generally was fine, but then he says i remind him that his life is f*cked up right now. is that really how he feels or maybe he will be meeting his new friend there? or what? whatever the case, if he meant to hurt me, he did. if he didn't, he did anyway. i am in denial. i read that and i have to get it through my thick head and heart that obviously this man has no desire whatsoever to be with me around me near me. instead of him thinking it could be a positive thing, i'm seen as the enemy.

Bittersweet

So I went to his parents house (he hasn't moved yet) to go and watch LOST.



Nearly fell asleep.



We snuggled. We had small kisses.



And then I went home.



Some of it felt so natural and some of it was so surreal.



I am uneasy about it all. Like I've said before, I believe there is someone else and that's why he is struggling. Because if there was absolutely no one else, why wouldn't he say, "There's only you, but I just need time. You are the one. Please wait for me."?

I need to articulate how I feel because I'm not sleeping well at all.

I feel scared.
I feel anxious.
I feel nervous.
I feel confused.
I feel angry.



I really truly feel like I a competing for his affection and attention.

And Yet?

From my last post, you'd think I had ended it. But I've done nothing of the sort. I've kept calm and collected.

In fact we went to the dog park last night and had dinner together. Interestingly enough, at the same place I had confronted him a few months ago about that person. I didn't bring it up. We didn't bring anything up relationship wise at all.

I know right now that the ball is in my court. The questions I need to face for myself are:

1) Knowing what I know, am I willing to accept the risk and consequences in "waiting" for him?
2) How can I command and/or expect respect from him? What is the line for me?
3) How do I continue to be a strong, independent person and not only react to his timetable, schedule or feelings?

Surely, I am supportive and cognizant of what his needs are, but I have to acknowledge and ask myself if I accept the fact that I am not a priority and that should he feel "better" one day, that it doesn't mean that suddenly I will be a priority.

I am torn.

I am also torn with how I view myself in all of this.

My heart and values say to stick this out for the marriage in which I made vows and a commitment to. But my head is telling me that it is wrong how I am being treated - actually not treated at all.

He Bought A Place

So he bought a place.

He showed it to me before we headed to the dog park.

I was in shock. I cried. I was confused. Why did I feel hurt?

I mean he warned me, told me and it finally happened.

I asked him if I was in the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You" and if he was giving me the big F U to me. He said no. Do I believe it?

What am I to do?

And I know, I know that he's got another confidant. His phone...his phone had calls to someone that were not a man and they were frequent. But again, WTF do I care? We're not together. We're technically in the middle of the divorce. Even the place he bought? It's not partly mine because after you put a date that the divorce begins, that's when it stops being community property. I was terrified that it would be partially mine because I just couldn't handle more money responsiblities.

I F*CKING HATE MYSELF.

I have no idea what to do or how to handle this. The ball really is in my court, right? What the F*CK do I want? What is the line for me to stop this madness? I'm just so sad that there is no line for him. He's just a blur. I have to face the truth that there are reasons this has all fallen apart and it's not me. I can't change a damn thing and the entire time he's been trying to get out and I just make him feel guilty for it all.

Lonely.

It's a Saturday night and I feel lonely.

I've put feelers out there to attempt to go out but I'm not so sure. I don't know how I feel about it. T invited me over but she was already buzzed. And I don't want to go over there like that and plus her kids are there and I don't think I'd be able to relax.

I feel lonely, but at least I don't want to absolutely die. I think I feel this way because the sun was out so that felt good. When it's sunny I do okay. And I went on a long walk this morning. I'll do it again tomorrow.

Last night I drove by his parents house. His car wasn't there - was still at a meeting. I don't know what I would have done had his car been there. I just, I just miss him.

I am more confused than ever. I'm at such a loss. Sometimes I just want to scream at him, "What the F*CK are you doing? WE ARE MARRIED. WE MADE VOWS. WHY IN THE HELL AREN'T YOU WITH ME? HONOR ME, HONOR OUR MARRIAGE!"

Whatever...

I Sent Him

I sent him a long email. See below.

He hasn't responded. I'm not surprised because I took the wuss way out. I made sure to send it to him last night, while he was at AA and to his hotmail account. Right before I had sent it, T had called me to let me know she found a roommate for us. I almost hesitated, but I'm glad I didn't because who knows what can happen? Me and my mom need the money now for a just in case type of situation. What if he doesn't come back to me? What if he doesn't want me? He left me once. And then he asked for a divorce. Those are some pretty clear signs right? So the whole thing is bizarre.

I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. What time again? And did you want me to pick up a sandwich for you too?

I was thinking about the other night and for me, the reason why it was awkward, was because I was waiting to hear something - anything from you. You have to know that I love you and want to STAY married to you, but I have no idea where you are at. And I think I need to know something, anything. You've told me you loved me, but you haven't really said what you wanted or needed or expected of me.

I absolutely believe in some baby steps, but I'm scared. So I'm going to operate under the idea that we are separated. I'm probably still going to find a renter, because honestly, I just need to cover my butt in terms of bills. I know you said you'd help and I believe you and believe me I will still ask and need you for that help, because every dollar will help right now.

All that being said, I think it's important that you know where I'm coming from and what I'm hoping from this. And, what I write from this point IS NEGOTIABLE and I'M WILLING TO COMPROMISE, BUT I need to read/hear what your expectations are too. Not just reactionary to what I may write down, but any ideas or thoughts you come up with that may not even have to do with what I put down.

So here it goes.

I need, want and deserve a husband who loves me, cares for me, makes time for me, is honest with me, respects me and includes me. And you deserve a wife that loves you, cares for you, makes time for you, is honest with you, respects you and includes you.

If you come back into my life, I'd really like us to take a look at a few things:

MAKING TIME TOGETHER:
1) You have AA Sun, Mon, Wed and Fri.
2) You work on Saturdays
3) When softball starts you will play Tues, Thurs and then go away for weekend tourneys4) At times I may work evenings or an occasional weekend.When I think about that above schedule, I want to know where it is that you will make time for me. What will you adjust to ensure that we can have quality time together? I have my own ideas, but I'd rather us come up with a solution together. And it doesn't always have to involve spending money - that's never been the point. I ENJOY YOUR COMPANY, INSIGHT AND PRESENCE, but it would be nice if we did activites together (biking, walking, checking out a free museum, hanging out with the dog outdoors).

AA:
1) I want you to engage me in any way you can that you feel comfortable with. I think it is so important for you to know that I can be a part of the solution and support - not just the enemy.

With that, maybe I do go to at least one of the four meetings you go to, especially since your schedule may be tight (this has nothing to do about not trusting you - it has everything to do with me wanting to spend time with you, if AA is going to be such a large part of your life). And of course, I will promise to go to Al-Anon meetings to learn the best tools to make the situation work for you, but most of all for myself. And I want you to know that I know that a lot of our relationship had dates/outings that had to do with alcohol - and I'm okay with it not involving alcohol. I would look forward to the new adventures we could discover together that didn't have to have that element. Your not drinking doesn't hurt my ability to have a good time or make me love you any less.

THE PAST:
1) I am willing to forgive and forget your indiscretion if you can drop the hurtful things I may have said to you in the past and can be honest and open with me from this point on. Withholding information will not work anymore. If you want to be together again, at that point, we can choose and say out loud together that we want to wipe the slate clean and start anew.

A BABY:
1) I do want to have a child. I don't know how or when, but it is something that is important to me. Maybe you have changed your mind, I'm not sure. I know you aren't in the right space or place to even cross that bridge, but I think it is important for you to know that it does have some meaning for me. If it doesn't happen, it's not something I will resent you for though - I want you to know that. I married you and made a vow to you, through sickness and health.

MY MOM:
1) With everything that has happened, my mom has been an incredible support to me. So there's a part of me that just wants to make sure she's ok. But again, if we both come to the conclusion that we'd like to try some time just you and me, I'm not afraid to ask her WITH YOU to see if she can be separated from us for a little while and let's see where we can take it from there. YOU ARE MY HUSBAND. As a married couple, I recognize that you come before her.

WHAT I'M WILLING TO DO:
1) Be supportive of your participation and time in AA.
2) Willing to move to a new location for a new job - with at least 6 months notice and it's strategically smart for us to rent out or sell the house (there are certain times of the year that are better than others) AND that you have really come to a point where you are truly committed not just to me, but our relationship.
3) Support you if you just want to change jobs. After reviewing me and my mom's incomes, it can be done with supplmental income (with a renter and/or a second job). If you wanted to take a chance at a job that made less money and were willing to still have my mom in the house, we could MAKE it work - we'd just have to tighten up our britches. Or if you didn't want my mom living with us, I'd be willing to downscale.
4) I am willing to be patient as you address your depression as long as you continue to see Dr. F and Dr. H. But I would really expect that you open up more with Dr. F, not just about how you're feeling currently, but about all of your family dynamics and the relationship you had with your mom and dad as a pre teen and teen.
5) I would continue Al- Anon meetings.6) I would continue to see Dr. F on my own to work on my own self and my own faults.

WHAT I'M NOT WILLING TO DO:
I am not willing to be be disrespected or treated like a yo yo.

I am not expecting some miraculous answer after you read this but I am hoping you'll print it out, bring it to your next meeting with Dr. F and discuss your reactions and feelings about what I have written with him so you can formulate at some point how you should talk to me about it.

I am not willing to wait for an endless amount of time without some sort of direction from you.

I NEED TO HEAR where you're coming from. Your ideas, thoughts and feelings don't have to be fully formulated. I know that even with me writing this, this is NOT SET IN STONE, it's just my sentiments right now. Some of it will change as we approach this TOGETHER.

I will not stay in this relationship if this isn't what you want. I don't want to force you to be with me. I want you to want me.

If you choose to stay married to me, even though Dr. F says there are no guarantees, I'll want you to look me in the eye and be ready to say to me, "I will never leave you again." Sure it could change, but I'd want to hear it at least once and have you say it once.

So think about this. When we go to the dog park, again, I don't expect tons of reaction just yet. I know you have to think about it and process it, but please do email me or talk to me your OWN thoughts on things, NOT just what you react to this. If you tell me at least some of what your ideals or expectations are, it gives me something to work with.

Okay good night. I LOVE YOU.

This email is not meant to be another pressure. It's meant to be food for thought and some type of starting point for discussion. BABY STEPS are key, but we've got to move towards something - and I'd like that something to be RECONCILIATION. Let's decide (if you agree) to make a goal to make this marriage work or something damn close to it. I am praying, hoping and absolutely putting out the most positive vibes out there to have this work. You are a good man and I love you with all my heart. Hugs and kisses.

Bitter

I'm obviously bitter. Well it's not obvious to you, but it is to me when I watch a movie like THE ASTRONAUT'S FARMER. It's a beautiful movie about dreams, but as I'm watching it, it just reminds me of men and their dreams and the women that love, support and do everything possible to support their men. And why some women will do everything to crush a man's dreams - BECAUSE nowhere are there movies, books, stories of men pushing for their woman's dreams! It doesn't happen. I don't see it. Even Hillary who ran for president - an amazing feat, the way the media portrayed it, it wasn't about dreams - it was framed as a calculated climb to power. Or even Pallin, whether or not I liked her, her place was just circumstance, but not about women's dreams to hold office, to have power over the free world.

I guess I'm just hurting right now. I am reminded that whatever I do to try and keep, hold, be with my husband, at the end of the day unfortunately, it's his call. So what is my dream? Is it just to be a wife? Yes, that is definitely part of my dream. To be a mother? Yes, part of my dream. To live simply? Absolutely. And maybe one day, to travel to Italy and eat there. Dreams don't have to be huge, but they still need to be supported by the ones you love and the ones that surround you. And maybe it's just me, but women don't get that same support from men the way they give it to their men. But I am also aware that women can be the first to criticize a dream, but again, it goes back to women and the burden that has been placed on them (some by themselves) to deal with the reality of everyday life.

I'm not even sure I'm making sense. It's hard for me to articulate.

And that's why I think I'm just bitter and angry. I miss my husband. I guess really it shouldn't be about one person propping up the other, but about facing the trials, tribulations and jubilations together. If only...

And So Today

And so today, I read and reread his email to me.

I look at what I wrote and I feel like it was as supportive of a response as it could be. But on one level, I am just so angry and hurt. His email is what I needed to read but I wanted to scream at the screen and say THEN LET'S CHANGE WHAT HAS BEEN AFFECTING YOU! Only now it all comes out but we never really truly tried to change some of the things.

Like living with my mom. When he moved back in he never actually ASKED for us to try and live without my mom. And with having a baby, WE FINALLY saw the fertility specialist but it's like he didn't want to actually go through with it and take the next steps. And AA - it actually says try not to do anything too dramatic in your first year - and he up and asks me for a divorce. WTF??? He does say in the email that it is about him, but all the examples he shares relate back to me but he doesn't ever really take responsbility of his own actions or inactions in some of these situations. Again, with living with my mom - HE NEVER came up with a compromise or suggestion - never pulled my mom aside to ask her how she could be part of a solution - never approached me to say, we've got to try this. And with babymaking, he doesn't acknowledge that after the meeting the fertility specialist he basically gave up.

Then he talks about the dog loving him unconditionally. That hurts, that really hurts.

I have loved him and CONTINUE to love him unconditionally. He hadn't even graduated college when we met. He still had to finish. He started law school and never finished. He started a sales job that took him away for hours on end - nights were spent with M and J, late night dinners and happy hours. When he gained a ton of weight to losing it all again I was there by his side loving him unconditionally. When he wanted a motorcycle, I bought him the class to learn how to ride. When he wanted to cook, my own mother got him a gift certificate for a cooking class. When he drank like crazy, I loved him unconditionally. When he played softball a few nights or weeks or would head to weekend tournaments I loved him unconditionally. When he had to travel for work I loved him unconditionally. When he LEFT me in February I loved him unconditionally. When he F*CKED some other chick and actually tried to lie about it, I loved him unconditionally. When he started AA and was gone several nights of the week, sometimes until 11 pm, I loved him unconditionally. As he moves out of the house and asks me for a divorce, I LOVE him unconditionally. But it sucks. I bear the burden of all that has gone wrong in his life it seems. He says he feels guilty - as if I am the guilt.

So I am angry. I am angry that his lack of expressing what he wanted and considering compromise led him to a place of dissatisfaction with our relationship. How can I be a supportive wife, lover and friend if he didn't actually share what he needed. Even when he revealed on two occasions that he was suicidal, he never actually said what he wanted or needed. The only thing I knew to tell him was to see a therapist. And he did and he also, with my revealing at one of our sessions that I felt he was an alcoholic - eventually went to AA. Wasn't that support?

It's just f*cking depressing and sick. And I just hate myself that it has come to this. I NEVER imagined that this is where it would be! I came home early - last night. And now I live in my mom's old room and my mom lives in the master bedroom that hubby and I once shared. And it's amazing, he did that for me - changed out the rooms, bought me this laptop and docking station, all this stuff, but that's not what I want. I WANT US TO BE MARRIED. I WANT US TO BE TOGETHER. I WANT US TO FACE THIS AS A TEAM. I hate that he feels like he was alone all this time. Jesus Christ.

And I have to write because frankly, I'm going stir crazy.

I start work back up again tomorrow. I'm terrified. How do I resume normalcy when I am so cracked up inside?

His Email, Then Mine

My dearest (NAME)...

Thank you for writing me. I am so glad you took the time to writedown your journey of feelings and actions. In the last year, it'scome out in bits and pieces, but to have it as a whole is soimportant. I hope it is one step in your journey for recovery of self.

I keep reading it over and over and over again, wondering what to say,because there is so much I want to comment on, try and "fix" oraddress. But I won't do that for every part of this here or now - ifyou want to know how I feel, I imagine you'll ask me. This reallysounds like the email you sent me was one for you to just vent and to share.

I do want to say that you aren't alone. All this time, whether youbelieve it or not, I have been there on this journey of ups and downs,with my own inner turmoil. From wanting my mom out of the house, tomy own suicidal feelings to the absolute utter disappointment that Iwasn't getting pregnant (and more devastating because I felt so muchlike I was letting you down), I was there beside you. I'm just sorrythat we never allowed our painful paths to cross so that we could facethem together.

You wrote, "I know that I need to be independent, alone and relearnwho I am and find the core man that she fell in love with. The manthat loved himself and who he is." That is incredibly profound and Iknow that doesn't guarantee for me that even if you do "return" tothat, that you would choose to return to me - which is hard to accept. But I have to let you know, that I didn't just love you for your"core" of who you were. This sad, vulnerable side is a huge part ofwho you are as well - and that part I love and support as well. Youare a whole person that I adore, admire and care so deeply about.Never did I expect you to return to a certain type of person, but toevolve as your own person and for us to evolve together.

I love you, miss you and care about you deeply. I am so relieved andhappy that you have chosen life.

Again, let me reiterate that I am absolutely here for you. Just onecall, email or text away - I'm there.

I am your friend.

I am forever your wife, regardless of a piece of paper...

With love and deep affection,
NAME

On 1/2/09, (NAME) wrote:

I've been meaning to write this down for a while now.

I guess i wanted to share with you. As you know this is difficult for me to do so here goes.

MY FEELINGS...

I can't believe this is happening...I thought that I would be with (NAME) forever! She is a great person and a extraordinary wife. Why am I so unhappy then?

Well, our marriage was not typical living with a roommate above all my mother in law has been hard. Not that I don't love her...just that it changes the dynamic of the relationship. I can see it in my wife torn on weather she should be selfish and hang out with me or hang out with her mom...juggling the two relationships the best she can. If she spends more time with me then her mom is hurt feels alone and depressed. I was good with the fact that she would spend time with her mom I never spoke up and asked that she spend more time with me or care for and about me more than her mom. I was not handicapped I was not home all day with little to no interaction to other human beings. I always thought that it would be good to have that extra support when we had a child.

I remember being so excited to have a baby I wanted to start almost right away. We waited for us to finish school then you got your dream job with the foundation. We decided to wait until you were there long enough to get your benefits. When we started trying I guess i thought it would happen right away. I thought that we would have a family 3 years ago. Every month became a disappointment for me. It seemed that everyone else was getting pregnant and having babies but yet we were not getting as lucky. Here we were financially able to take care of a child and people less fortunate than us we getting the opportunity that God was not giving us. I started to get depressed trying to find ways to take care of it on my own not going to see a doctor. After all what did I have to be depressed about. I had everything i wanted but a baby.

I started to go to the gym, tried to run marathons, dove head first into work...it was just crazy...I felt like I was going crazy. Yet I did not really talk to my wife about it because if I was feeling this way I could only imagine how she was feeling.

It got to a point were I was so unhappy with myself, work and home that I saw no other way out...but to end my life. I had it all planned out...take my bike out for a ride, ride off a cliff make it look like an accident. That way Kristin and her mom can get the life insurance money and I would not have to deal with the pain. After I scared the shit out of myself thinking this way I tried to talk to my wife about it. I guess I did not goabout it in the right way because it seemed that we ended up fighting instead of talking and supporting one another. I was traveling for work and on the day I had to leave I did not want to go back home there I stood in the airport trying to find a destination other than home. Other than my reality. I then did not think that would be fair to my wife and her mother. I must kill myself! I came home and tried talking to my wife one more time...again it ended in a fight. I decided to go see a shrink first alone and then with (NAME).

After my convo with Dr. F. I decided that I need to do some major work on myself. Here I was living for everyone else but myself. I did not want to be alive nor deal with anything or anyone but I only did so because I felt guilty. When I moved out I got so depressed that I started to drink very heavy. After all no one was there to tell me not> to, to fight with me about drinking or watching TV too late...all the stuff my wife would ground me with. I was free...I had to work on myself find myself again live for myself not for others. I became so co-dependant on my wife I lost myself. I drank every night until I passed out...that is how I dealt with my pain. When that did not work I start to burn myself with cigarettes and told people I was just drunk. I knew what I was doing. It made me feel alive and at the same time I was punishing myself for putting my family though so much pain.

Everyone told me to have my mother in law move out. My wife even mentioned the possibility. When it came down to it the problem was in my head not with her. Plus, I would never ask my wife to do that. I married her knowing the situation, therefore, I could not back out of that responsibility. Plus, there was still issues with our communication and the baby. THE MAIN ISSUE WAS ME. I did not love myself and I had to work on that. Being selfish doing things for me and not for other people. I had never done that before thus it was going to be hard. I could tell my wife did not life it...I hurt her on many occasions.

The last straw was waking up in bed with someone I considered a friend. I don't remember how I got in bed with her or what made me do that...the unthinkable. Maybe it was the alcohol...maybe it would work if I stopped drinking. Perhaps then I would stop trying to sabotage my marriage. Therefore, I set out to stop drinking. I knew a few people in AA and spoke to them about it. Went to a few meeting and thought to myself that I can do this. A few simple rules to live by and remain sober.

I worked the program for about a month and decided to move back home and be with my family. At first everything was going well then I started to feel a little constrained. My mother in law was still in the picture and now acted very weird toward me. Locking herself up in the her bedroom like she was shunned. I felt bad that she> felt the need to live that way. However, I understand that there is nothing I can do about it. Then my wife found out about my infidelity. This house of card we had built came tumbling down. I got really depressed and did not no what to do. My pain killer was not there for me anymore because it did more damage than good. Again I jumped into work and AA to try and stay away from my wife as the guilt of being with her was killing me.

I thought about killing myself again. The dog...the damn dog probably saved my life. We have this dog that kind of gave me a snapshot on how it would be raising a child in our house. Mother in law, (NAME) and then what (NAME) wanted for the dog. This dog loved me unconditionally. All I have to do is walk him, feed him and pet him and he is all good. He does not care about anything else. If I am gone will he miss me? I guess I would really miss him! So i will stick around for the dog.

I completely hate the person I have become I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I will be without my wife. I know that I will never love> another women like I have loved her. It's not possible. I know that I need to be independent, alone and relearn who I am and find the core man that she fell in love with. The man that loved himself and who he is. That would walk straight and tall, have people want to be like him. That is the man that I need to learn to be again. Not only for myself but for all those that love me.