Meditation

So another holiday with family and amazingly enough the questions about me and hubby having children has subsided a bit. I guess they're used to every year hearing that nothing's happening.

But it was interesting that on Xmas eve there was a guest that happened to be the "mentor/master" of hubby's aunt who is into eastern medicine, tarot card reading, aura, etc. Of course I just had to talk to him to find out the latest with my getting pregnant!

So what did he tell me? Said that basically I had to breathe, take the time to breathe, be thankful and focus. He says I should meditate to some music that he has. He says in 90 days I'll be happy with the results. He says I'll have a boy...and a girl. It just happens to be that a few days prior I set up our first appointment with a fertility specialist. Let's see how that goes.

I don't know. I wanted so much to believe this man, but I'm terribly cynical. Who knows though? Only time will tell.

Cousin

So hubby has a cousin - X - we'll call him.


Hubby and X don't talk often but word often travels fast among our family clan, but with X, he tends to keep things on the downlow. Like we found out that X had divorced his wife after the fact. And it's only been about a year since the divorce.


Well last week hubby and I saw X and asked how he was doing. X said he was fine and dating a new girl (which hubby recall X mentioning he had just started dating this girl in late Dec/early Jan of this year).


Well hubby saw X at a holiday party with family members today and guess what? X announced he had a baby. Yup, here's a guy who just divorced his wife, pretty much hooks up with some chick and BAM they're pregnant. And hubby and I? Nothin. We've got nothin.


I wonder if hubby and I get divorced and he bangs some other chick she'll get pregnant.

Probably.

Sometimes I get these weird thoughts that maybe we should get our marriage annulled. I mean, look the purpose - at least in the Catholic church, is to procreate and obviously it isn't happening and I want him to be happy and have him be a father. Is he running out of time with me? Yes I want a child too, but I don't think it's as devastating to me as it is to him.


Aside from that, I'm overweight you know. Newsweek just printed an articel about fertility and nutrition and of course best BMI (body mass index) for proper fertilization is something like 20 to 24. Jesus Christ. Know what I am? Like 33. So not only am I mentally disappointed that I am not pregnant but I'm reminded that I'm a fatf*ck.

Lovely.

I Can't Believe I Didn't Write About...

I can't believe I didn't write about what happened last Sunday!

So I actually had dinner with mom. Sitting at Chili's (god awful Chili's), we're waiting for our food and she asks, "So is (hubby) disappointed in you that you can't get pregnant?"

"Huh? What? What are you asking?"

"Oh well then are you disappointed in him that you can't get pregnant?"

Tears started to well in my eyes. I wanted to scream at her. Instead with wobbly words I said, "I never even thought of that, I mean. That is just the worst thing to say. Don't say that."

Then she says, "Well maybe I'm bad luck for you - that's why you're not getting pregnant."

Again, I wanted to FU*KING SCREAM at her to shut up, but I didn't.

I told her, "Don't do that. Don't put that out into the world. Don't sit there and put another pressure on me that now I have to get pregnant so you don't think you're bad luck."

I kept repeating how what she was saying was wrong. She did apologize and we moved onto another conversation, but it's because I kept my cool. Seriously, I could have started BAWLING right there at GODDA*N Chili's.

It hurt, it hurt like hell. Of course I've had the moment pass in my mind about disappointment and even wrote about it here, but hubby has never said a thing. Always so supportive, but Jesus, to have my mom say sh*t like that, just kills me - breaks my heart, makes me feel like sh*t.

So There Was a Surge...

Ah ha, so of all ovulation tests to seem to be working - the cheap Target brand ones!

Okay so on Friday and Saturday there was a surge - read: two lines showed pink. So what did that mean? Sex of course. Friday there was sex. And Saturday there was sex twice (which friggin killed me by the way)! But Sunday?

My request for sex was met with, "Really? Again? How about tomorrow?"

This met with a reply from me, "Um, okay."

And in my head I was thinking, "We suck at this. How in the world are we ever going to get pregnant?"

I'm telling you - this is being old or this is being married for 6 1/2 years! See?

Okay well we'll try again today I hope, but I laugh because then it's over. Just four days for sperm and egg to meet. Until next month. Yikes!

What the Hell Am I Doing?

Taking my temperature...could it be that hard? Yes. What the hell am I doing? Charting the temps and the results are all over the place. I'm obviously not doing something right.

Needless to say, yesterday was Halloween. The hubby and I decorated and were so excited for trick o' treaters. We hardly had any. Hubby was extremely disappointed. Where have all the children gone? Is it really that scary to go out anymore? I don't know - it's sad. Makes me wonder - why do we decorate? No children come by and we don't have a child and yet we try to keep the childlike wonder alive. How depressing. Kid come soon!

Another Period...

Another period has passed. Oh joy. At least I'm not crying like I did at one point.

So I believe I'm nine days or so into my "cycle". I've already forgotten three days in a row to take my temp. Lovely. The chart is already off. I'm such a winner.

Oh Please...

So of course I watch HBO's, Tell Me You Love Me - and yes it gets a ton of flack for all the "gratuitous" sex scenes, but I actually believe it's quite truthful--other than the fact that the couple trying to have sex for a year, finally gives up and now she's pregnant. Oh please. I keep on hearing that from folks - "Stop trying and then it'll happen." B.S.

It may seem that way, but the reality for me and hubby is that that's not the case.

Damn, Now I Feel Guilty

Aw hell. Now I feel guilty! I called out friends and family on their pregnancies and it's not their fault and it makes me feel even worse when they say, "Oh I have something to tell you, but we were waiting to tell you guys, because well uh, yeah, we know you're trying."

AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Really, I swear everyone it is OKAY that YOU ARE PREGNANT AND WE AREN'T.

Oops, got to go. Hubbyis on the phone.

Web MD Says...

Jesus...and I've been wondering why I haven't gotten pregnant? Web MD says,

"You should see a doctor if you have not become pregnant after 1 to 2 years of trying. Here, "trying" means having unprotected intercourse an average of 3 times a week, but not more often than every 36 hours.
The best place to start is at your primary care or ob-gyn's office, not at a specialized fertility clinic. The fertility problem may turn out to be quite simple, such as not having intercourse near the time of ovulation."

Are they FRIGGIN kidding me? I'M MARRIED FOR GODSAKE! Who in their right mind is married and has sex three times a week? Really though, it's been something like three years (maybe even more, I don't even remember) - you'd think we'd hit ovulation at the right time sooner or later. Three times? Okay I suppose all married women are just having sex like rabbits and I'm the unusual one?

I'm telling you, I have to be 16, an idiot, and totally drunk to get pregnant. Or I have to have just gotten off the pill.

I have no idea where I read that once you get off the pill you should "wait a while so that it gets out of your system." That is a load of bullshit. Ladies, once you get off the pill you're fertile as a mo'fo. At least everyone around us has hit the lottery with that effort.

I'm just bitter. Everyone around me is pregnant. I mean I'm not bitter that they're pregnant, just bitter that we can't seem to get pregnant. Who is pregnant? Let's see...

Best Friend - TWINS - and she has been a smoker for like 20 years and her hubby is a toker.
Other Best Friend - Just had her second kid a year ago.
Best Friend's Sister - She just had her daughter like three months ago.
Ex Boyfriend - His wife is pregnant and she's like THIRTY FIVE dude.
Hubby's Boss - His wife is now having her second.
Hubby's co-worker - His wife just had their second.
Hubby's ex co-worker - He was a smoker like forever and she's like THIRTY SIX.
Cousin - Due this November.

There are more - so many, that I can't even list. I actually think we're their good luck charm.

So of course all the things run through my mind like:

• "Maybe it's just not meant to be."
• "Maybe we're being punished. I mean of course, we're selfish bastards who love to drink and eat sushi and we'll probably cuss the hell out of our kid(s)."
• "Maybe we are suposed to adopt."
• "Maybe this just isn't the right time."

So some of you may ask, "Well why don't you just go to a fertility doctor?"

Well, hell. I don't know why not. I mean I have a regular period. I got some blood tests done - got my vajayjay checked and his semen got checked too. All looks pretty normal. Sure, in a couple months I guess I'll just check out a fertility doctor, but hell do I want to open that pandora's box of poking, prodding and analyzing? Wouldn't I rather just get that kind of hell during an adoption process and at least think I may be helping out a kid that actually exists? OH the drama!

Okay that's enough for the evening. This may be my only post because I'm just too damn lazy to write. It's bad enough I'm not having sex three times a week!