Meditation

So another holiday with family and amazingly enough the questions about me and hubby having children has subsided a bit. I guess they're used to every year hearing that nothing's happening.

But it was interesting that on Xmas eve there was a guest that happened to be the "mentor/master" of hubby's aunt who is into eastern medicine, tarot card reading, aura, etc. Of course I just had to talk to him to find out the latest with my getting pregnant!

So what did he tell me? Said that basically I had to breathe, take the time to breathe, be thankful and focus. He says I should meditate to some music that he has. He says in 90 days I'll be happy with the results. He says I'll have a boy...and a girl. It just happens to be that a few days prior I set up our first appointment with a fertility specialist. Let's see how that goes.

I don't know. I wanted so much to believe this man, but I'm terribly cynical. Who knows though? Only time will tell.

Cousin

So hubby has a cousin - X - we'll call him.


Hubby and X don't talk often but word often travels fast among our family clan, but with X, he tends to keep things on the downlow. Like we found out that X had divorced his wife after the fact. And it's only been about a year since the divorce.


Well last week hubby and I saw X and asked how he was doing. X said he was fine and dating a new girl (which hubby recall X mentioning he had just started dating this girl in late Dec/early Jan of this year).


Well hubby saw X at a holiday party with family members today and guess what? X announced he had a baby. Yup, here's a guy who just divorced his wife, pretty much hooks up with some chick and BAM they're pregnant. And hubby and I? Nothin. We've got nothin.


I wonder if hubby and I get divorced and he bangs some other chick she'll get pregnant.

Probably.

Sometimes I get these weird thoughts that maybe we should get our marriage annulled. I mean, look the purpose - at least in the Catholic church, is to procreate and obviously it isn't happening and I want him to be happy and have him be a father. Is he running out of time with me? Yes I want a child too, but I don't think it's as devastating to me as it is to him.


Aside from that, I'm overweight you know. Newsweek just printed an articel about fertility and nutrition and of course best BMI (body mass index) for proper fertilization is something like 20 to 24. Jesus Christ. Know what I am? Like 33. So not only am I mentally disappointed that I am not pregnant but I'm reminded that I'm a fatf*ck.

Lovely.

I Can't Believe I Didn't Write About...

I can't believe I didn't write about what happened last Sunday!

So I actually had dinner with mom. Sitting at Chili's (god awful Chili's), we're waiting for our food and she asks, "So is (hubby) disappointed in you that you can't get pregnant?"

"Huh? What? What are you asking?"

"Oh well then are you disappointed in him that you can't get pregnant?"

Tears started to well in my eyes. I wanted to scream at her. Instead with wobbly words I said, "I never even thought of that, I mean. That is just the worst thing to say. Don't say that."

Then she says, "Well maybe I'm bad luck for you - that's why you're not getting pregnant."

Again, I wanted to FU*KING SCREAM at her to shut up, but I didn't.

I told her, "Don't do that. Don't put that out into the world. Don't sit there and put another pressure on me that now I have to get pregnant so you don't think you're bad luck."

I kept repeating how what she was saying was wrong. She did apologize and we moved onto another conversation, but it's because I kept my cool. Seriously, I could have started BAWLING right there at GODDA*N Chili's.

It hurt, it hurt like hell. Of course I've had the moment pass in my mind about disappointment and even wrote about it here, but hubby has never said a thing. Always so supportive, but Jesus, to have my mom say sh*t like that, just kills me - breaks my heart, makes me feel like sh*t.