Waking Up Crying?

I don't recall that ever happening to me.  Sleeping and literally waking up crying.  

How did this blog go from On Getting Pregnant to Maybe Getting A Divorce?

My heart is breaking into a million little pieces.  And internally I just, I just don't know...

What if really he wants a divorce after this separation?  What are the rules of separation?  How does he get a "vacation" from me and things get fixed from this?  I don't understand it.  Of course I'll do what it takes to save the marriage and if this is included in how it might happen it's pretty damn scary cuz that means that to save it means that it could potentially be lost forever.

It's damaging in a sense though no matter which way you cut it.  What if I had gotten pregnant? Would he have separated from me then?  I guess he would have...

I just have to face the fact that he doesn't WANT to be here...with me.  You know he already knows the place he'll be staying.  With a single guy that drinks and drives.  Great, yup that's the environment that I would expect a great place for transformation.  But hey, at least he's heading out to Hawaii with a buddy of his.  That's his place though - loves Hawaii.  Hell, he might scout for houses - ditch the wife, finally ditch the job and make his exodus there.  

I suppose we were too young when we got married and got too much stuff too soon.  I don't know...

I don't want to share with friends anything but he has already shared.  Amazingly enough, no one's told him not to leave.  He must really be presenting it in such a way that me and my mom and this house are that toxic that he can't even address his own issues without having totally leaving us.  But that works.  My life has never been an easy one...when it has been I always knew it was to good to be true.  

I'll tell you though, this sure doesn't help the self esteem factor.  And to think, yesterday the CEO pulls me into the room to give me tips on really taking command of a room, believing in myself and portraying confidence.

Damn any remnant of that is shattered now.  I can't even keep a man. And as far as I know, I'm not even competing against another woman  I am just so damn awful by myself that the push was enough...there wasn't even a pull.

I Knew It

I knew it.  I knew that my marriage was at a crossroads.  Tonight, finally my husband took me for a drive and basically told me he felt unhappy...hated coming home - dealing with the stress of me, of my mom.

I just knew it and what do I do with it?  How am I here typing on my computer?  We returned home and he wanted to continue to drive.  

Who do I talk to?  There was so much that was said.  I can't even repeat it all, well I suppose I could but my God.  I think we may end our marriage.  There, I said it.  I hate that I said it, but there was nothing hopeful on his end - not even one drip of hope.  He said that yesterday he thought about killing himself.  Great.  We don't need both of us on that feeling.

I want to scream at him and yell at him and tell him he is still so f*cking lucky but he doesn't see it - no perspective with him.  But whatever, he has no idea...

He says it's stress with work, stress of our living situation, that I'm not supportive - have never been.  Maybe perhaps there is also someone else?  Someone else that is there for him in that way that I'm not?  I don't know.  It seems like such a leap to think that, but at this point - I might as well think the worst.  But of course I'd want that.  If it was another person then I would  have someone to blame other than myself.  Instead I just feel worthless - not enough, and of course like I am at fault.  I have caused his heartache and stress.  

I have to move forward to push forward to breathe to get through this.  This is not the worst thing to have happened in my life nor will it be the worst thing to happen in the rest of my life.  I must breathe, I must move forward, I must...I must because otherwise there is nothing.

At a Crossroads

I think the he and me are at a crossroads.  We're each thirty one and have now been married just about seven years.  We have the house, the cars, the jobs and the stress.  So what's next?  A kid, but of course as you know I'm not pregnant.

I had explained that we saw the doctor and you'd think that'd set us on the right path but a week after, the hubby and I had one of our biggest blowups yet.  It's such a mix of emotions and his stress at work doesn't help things whatsoever.  I know he's disappointed.  He said that he wanted to be a dad before thirty and now well, we're older than thirty.  I personally think he's having an early mid-life crisis.  Sometimes I want to kick him and say, "Snap out of it!  You are one of the luckiest people in the world - you should be grateful, rather than disappointed."  But he's his own person with his own feelings and I can't negate that.  But it makes me wonder a little...what if?  What if we don't have kids?  What if we have a kid with a developmental disability?  Can he handle it?  Can he put up with it?  I have no idea.

And me?  How am I feeling?  Still confused and a little lost.  I am extremely grateful and thankful for my general circumstances but I've been in a funk as well.  Still not pregnant and a good friend of mine at work just left.  And then of course, working and not feeling like I'm accomplishing much, but hey, whatever.  This too shall pass.

So my boobs hurt like hell which means my period is on its way.  That means I'll be taking the next test - some fallopian tube thing.  Joy.

A Little Relief...

I actually felt a little relief yesterday.

We went to see the fertility specialist and no I'm not crazy.  At the age of 31, relatively okay shape and after 2 1/2 to 3 years of trying I should have gotten pregnant.  It felt reassuring to hear a doctor confirm that I can't pregnant.  Of course he looked through my records and didn't do any new tests, but I believe him - I mean he sees this stuff everyday.

Hubby thought he was kind of a jerk, but we actually ended up laughing with the guy.  I liked him. We may even join a study in which I'd be a part of and get a very super discounted IVF opportunity.  I suppose blessing in disguise that we walked in when we did.

Of course I have to first find out one thing - what do my fallopian tubes look like.  And if it's blocked, I may have to get rid of the blocked tube to be included in the test.  So when I get my period next I'll be calling the radiology place and the nurse that's handling the logistics of the study.  I hope and pray that the path that I'm supposed to be on is the right one. 

In the meantime, sweet relief yesterday but today?  Feel like shit.  Hubby is crazy busy with work and I just don't know how to react about it anymore.  What in the hell does he want?  I'm not sure.  The way that he looks at me sometimes or some of the things he says, I really feel like he regrets having got married to me - not that he doesn't like me as a person per se - but just getting into marriage and partaking in the whole family provider thing.  He constantly complains about how there is never enough money - I don't want to be the source of that disappointment.  I'm fine to just go back to nothing or not nothing, but less.  So I wonder what will happen.  But I'm tired.

The whole last few weeks has been incredibly trying on me.  One of the family dogs died - really my mother's "baby" and then she took a turn for the worse and I don't know what to think.  Is she sick?  Is she depressed?  Is she just grieving?  Does she actually have a physical condition I need to worry about?  We've been to the doctor twice and today she had a blood and urine test.  We'll see what results await us.  If there are some things that are "elevated" still - then that means more test.  I don't think she can take it and hell, I don't know if I can either.

And of course, work.  Work is killing me, but I asked for it.  I made the choice to do it but I don't feel like I'm worth anything. Hubby comes home and talks about how he's worked 10-12 hour days but doesn't acknowledge that I too have been working like crazy.  And work itself - my morale is actually extremely low.  I just want to give up.  If I do, maybe mother would feel like I'm not abandoning her, hubby would feel like his wife actually tries to be a "wife" and the woman I'm supervising can finally just take my job.  I feel like I'm trying here, but nobody is validating what I'm feeling - my stress, my loss, my everything...I don't know.  I'm just a big whiner.  Jesus, I have everything and yet I find some way to cry about it.