New Year's Eve

H0w bizarre.

It's New Year's Eve and I am alone in the house that my husband and I bought with my mother.

I wanted to be alone. Or rather, I told hubby if he didn't have plans that I'd be here if he wanted to hang out. But he does have plans. He's going to Chris' house - his former AA sponsor and having his first sober New Year's. He wasn't planning to come home tonight but I asked him to.

Regardless of him, I wanted to spend my first New Year's in this "different place" on my own.

So my mother is at my aunt's house and I have said no to a couple of casual party invites.

Hubby basically moved out all his clothes, television and the apple computer. Bizarre. The closet looks so bare. I almost lost it, but I didn't. And the computer is now replaced with the docking station and laptop he purchased me.

Last night, I had asked if he wanted to get dinner. He said no - that he had plans with Jeremy. By 1 am I had texted him because I was worried. He texted back that he was okay and that he went to the beach. He was home by 1:45 am. We actually laid in the same bed together holding each other for a little bit. Nothing sexual at all and not too much "love" at all either - if anything mostly from me. He told me sorry twice. I asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said no.

And then today he basically moved out and is only coming home this evening because of my request. We also got notice from the lawyer today that the paperwork has been filed and that I will be served. Lovely. So it's over. It's really over. Sure I still have to sign paperwork, but I need to say it to believe it. I'm still in denial to a point.

I had a therapy session with our shared therapist. It was hard. I have to start doing things that I want and know what I want and act on what I want - but for so long, decisions have been joint or based on his wants or needs and OUR needs. Now I'm at a loss. On an emotional level I just want to get the hell out, but I need to give myself a little time and I have it.

While hubby did make the effort to refinance the house so mother and I would have a lower payment, I still met with a realtor/property manager to find out more of my options. If we want to sell, we can do so anytime between February and April 15 and then again from last week in April until late September. That's a high buying window season. So I've got a few months to figure out if me and my mom can float through this and survive or if the urgency is higher to sell. I also have some time to look for roommates and see how that goes along. It just sucks having to be responsible. Who knew that HIS wanting a divorce would play such a heavy burden on me? I know he is doing his best to help out - I mean, heck he did the refinancing thing to include his pay for now. And he got me the laptop and he's the one leaving the house and verbally he's told me he'd help me with the house payment and stuff...but I'm terrified. Simply terrified. At the end of the day, this will fall on mine and my mother's shoulders.

Today

Today I see my cousin, her husband and their child in Pasadena. Afterward, I head to my real home. I'm not taking mom with me. Instead I will spend a few days at home, hopefully to wrap up loose ends with the soon-to-be-ex, about staying in the house and beginning our divorce papers for real.

I believe I'll be spending New Year's alone. I've asked him if he'd like to spend time together, but he let me know that he had already made plans with his AA buddy's family. Even knowing that, I still want to be in OUR home for what may be the last New Year's for me in that "family" way even though I'll be alone. I believe this will be the first New Year's ever that "we" - meaning, me and my mom (and hubby), don't host a party. How weird but very appropos - that is life, ever-changing.

I suppose I should think of some New Year's resolutions. Why not? It's not like if they don't happen, I'll be too disappointed. I mean, c'mon, I made wedding vows and look what happened to them? And I'm not dead yet.

To My Ex-Husband

I recently finished a book from Susan Dundon, "To My Ex-Husband". Heck, I may have written about it already, but I can't recall.

It's a great read that's pretty much on target as to how I felt and what I have been through (at least the early part of it). There is this one section, that goes through my mind over and over again...

"I keep having this feeling we're sliding toward a divorce neither of us really wants. And I have to ask, are we letting this happen, or are we making it happen? The answer is, we are not making it not happen."

That's how I feel a lot, but then again I don't because he's made it pretty clear that he's fallen out of love with me. I just still can't get over the fact that "we" aren't trying to make this work. Yes, we went to individual therapy and couples thereapy and he went to AA, BUT it ended up becoming about individual discovery - especially for him, and not necessarily time on our relationship. It's not like once couples therapy was over, we suddenly went on a trip - just us, together or went on a ton of dates or anything. Fortunately, unfortunately he connected only with his AA people and maybe he just got tired of recounting all his stories a second time to a wife. On top of that, perhaps his attraction to me just faded - why not? I'm not the same woman he married.

Almost New Year's

So it's almost New Year's.

Hard to believe.

I'm at my aunt's house in one of the guest bedrooms and tomorrow I'll be home again.

I've done it again - made an attempt to look like an ass. I texted him to ask if he'd like to watch Marley and Me while I'm in town. I just seek rejection don't I? Oh well.

So I'll be there until the 1st and hopefully he and I will get some paperwork out of the way (maybe he's already filled his out?) and move forward. We'll have to move back home. I can't possibly have my mom and I stay at my aunt's right now unless it's the real deal.

I've been looking up, "recovery after divorce" sites. I believe I'm still in the denial stage but with one foot into the depressed grieving stage. I'm getting more and more anxious - wondering what it will be like to return home, return to work and really live without my husband. This is going to be difficult.

I was reading this fiction book, "To My Ex-Husband" and it was so sad because she talks about how hard it was to lose her best friend. That's where I'm at. This loss of a friend, my confidant is devastating. To not pick up the phone on a lark and just talk to him about all the details of what's happening right now is insane. It feels so bizarre and just so out of sync for me. I imagine it will take a ton of time to get back some structure around my life. But I imagine he is at a much higher stage than me. I mean he has some structure, at the least with his AA meetings. I'm considering resuming those, definitely. If anything it gives me something to do - to keep from being idle with my thoughts.

I think once the divorce is final, I'll join Match.com or eharmony.com or something like that. To rebound, to feel wanted, to have some sort of diversion. But it's stupid. I absolutely can't imagine at this time and place or any future time and place that I'd want to be with anyone but him. I'm sure every slightly caught of guard divorced person says that and then gets over it, but me? I just can't imagine. I want so badly to stick it out, wait in the wings until this passes and he suddenly sees the light of wanting to be back with me. See? I'm in the denial phase.

Ugh.

Alone

He says he feels alone even though he's got friends and family. Me too.

So why aren't we together I think in my mind.

But the sad thing is, I know it's really over. It isn't for me, but it is for him. I mean - it's me who calls, texts or emails first. He hasn't made the first move in - I don't even know how long. He is at the end of the process in terms of letting go.

And I think to some extent, I'm barely getting out of the denial stage.

It's depressing and I'm terrified. I'm terrified to get back to whatever is supposed to be "normal" when none of it is normal. I'm terrified of truly losing him forever. But I guess it doesn't matter. What does it matter what I feel?

You know he gave me a laptop for Christmas. Can you believe it? Probably spent a fortune on a laptop which I'm using at this very minute but would trade in a heartbeat to have him, to have us back.

What now? I suppose I take his offer - to give up his share or opportunity of a share and his five to eight hundred dollars a month. I'm going to need it. Melanie says I should take it without guilt. In fact she thinks it may be too little, especially since major decisions were made as a couple. Like the house - even buying the house, she recalls me hesitating getting into a house that we may not be able to afford, but his insistence that we get it, needed it, that he needed more room, that we needed more space. Never in my wildest dreams, did I realize the house would eventually become my responsibility. Jesus Christ - it's terrifying. I risked so much for love. And my mom risked so much for her daughter and in the hubby - someone she considered a son. And now what? I'm left with photos and memories that may haunt me for such a long time.

And of course I'm left holding the bag - trying to figure out the next moves. I suppose we've got a plan, but in this economy, the plan is on a shaky foundation. What if I lose it all? The husband. And then my mom and then the house. What if I lose my mind? My capabilities. My strength. How do I gain it back?

I keep on asking out loud, why me? Why is this happening to me? It can't be about punishment can it? Or is it about testing me? Haven't I been tested enough?

Really, what is my purpose in life here? I can't even keep my husband! How in the world will I hold down my job (I'm a wreck)? How in the world will I move on? I try and force myself to look at other men to force myself to think of possibilities and it doesn't happen. I don't see how it can happen. Instead I fantasize that the hubby will change his mind or in a dramatic turn of events when the paperwork is finalized he won't sign. But that is just a fantasy. How can he fall back in love with me when he barely looks at me, doesn't want to engage with me - when I'm not his first call in the morning or his last good night?

It will be hard to see him renew his life. He's so on track with AA and I am so proud, but I'm jealous. I'm jealous that the next girl, next wife will benefit from his being sober and continued therapy. In the time we'll be apart he'll have hopefully made major breakthroughs, but someone else will get that benefit instead of us as a couple against the world together. So already, I mourn for what could have been. I see it all play out - the guy always moves on much quicker and he, he will be ready to dive in and do his best not to f*ck it up. Hell, he'll probably pull a "Kenny" - that's his cousin, who within a year of divorce, got a new girl, knocked her up and is now a family man with a son and no responsbility of actually marrying the girl. Nice, right?

And so now I must continue on with being responsible. Even though he wants the divorce, I still have to fill out paperwork. I still have to figure out next steps not just for myself but for my mom as well. I still have to take care of the house, pay bills, figure out how to work with a realtor and/or property manager, and still find the time to take care of myself. And of course - work. He too must do those things in a way, BUT at least he MADE the choice to leave so there is strength and conviction in that. But me? This will be the 2nd time I was left. The first in February when he moved out and now as he chooses to divorce me.

One of our most recent heated discussions I said to him, "Lucky you. You chose the right girl to leave because you know I'd handle things..." It was probably one of my most angered moments. But it's the truth. Any other woman would have done so much more, said so much more, yelled so much more, bad mouthed so much more - but me? I...I just take it and move on - as best as I can. It's not about being a martyr. I think it's either one or two or a combination of my being exhausted and just hating myself.

Home Alone

I put it on myself to be home alone.

It's kind of like trying to make myself suffer.

My mom is now at my aunt's house.  And my cousin left this afternoon.  And hubby is on his way back from the Oakland Raider game.  Of course he's not coming to this house but his parents. 

But starting tomorrow he will be back at this house and I will be at my aunt's.

What the hell am I doing?  

I am feeling so many mixed emotions right now.  I wish on everything that he would just be my husband again, but that is just so far off and next to impossible.

Late last week while looking for some kind of book for the soon to be ex hubby I found a book on male depression.  It is extremely fascinating and enlightening.  I feel like the case studies meld into one form or another of what the hubby must be going through.  I feel like if he could work on it some more, perhaps there would be hope for us, but I don't know.  Well actually I know.  He is hard fast on a divorce with me.

My heart is truly broken here.  And my spirit, my spirit is just at such a loss.  

You'd think after this weekend that everything was fine.  With my cousin on hand, we got a ton of things ready for a yard sale to be, but inside I was just ripping apart, checking my phone so often just to see if he'd think about calling or texting me.  I hate text by the way - it's so cold and so misinterpreted and is such a way to avoid actually talking.  But if I call him and he doesn't call back, for some reason I feel more rejected than if he just doesn't text back.

What else?  What else?  I should write and write and write so I can get it out of me.

So much to do...

1) Finish book

2) Write him a personal note

3) Write him my typical day with the dog

4) Pack my toiletries, shoes and extra blankets

5) Vacuum

6) Take dog stool sample and drop off at the vet

7) Wrap last of the gifts

More?  Hope I remember...

And Of Course

Oh and of course...

Hubby's co worker - the guy who I would think is an alcoholic or if not, just the worst, craziest drunk I've ever met?  Him, yah, well of course, they're pregnant.  

I'm telling you, we must be bad people if everyone else seems to get pregnant and we never did.  I'm just so jealous.  I can't even keep my man, can't even make him happy and on top of all that, didn't produce a child.  What a waste of space I feel like.

As the soon to be ex's life comes more into focus, mine is just out there without...

Mark my words, my soon to be ex, will continue with the cliche and within the year find a new woman, knock her up and live a beautiful life alcohol free.  I was just a stepping stone.

Pathetic

I'm so incredibly pathetic.  I'm at home.  I'm not working.  I'm at home doing random errands and pining away for my husband who has asked for a divorce.

I'm such a fool.  I'm at a loss.

Today my mother and I got away to watch Slumdog Millionaire.  It was a very good romantic movie that made me want to puke at the same time.  Somewhere out there is a "love conquers all" kind of mentality.  Well guess what?  That didn't work for me, for us.

You know, I asked him on the phone, "Are you sure you want to do this?"  

Silence.

Then he says, "You mean get a divorce?"

I say, "Yes."

He says, "Yes."

Jesus, why do I put myself through this?  I just HAD to hear it again huh?  Torture. 

And now I'm getting cold feet on leaving the house, BUT I feel like I need it.  UGH!  

What the f*ck is wrong with me?  Why the f*ck do I care?  Why do I so badly want to see him when all he really wants to see is the DOG, not me.  I'm so fu*king pathetic.  Someone shoot me now.  Sometimes when I walk the dog I want a car to hit me - just kill me.  It would make it so much easier.

I went to dinner with hubby's cousin.  She tries to be supportive but instead I still continue to feel like sh*t because she lets me know how if it were her she wouldn't have been as nice as I was to him.  So what does that mean?  That I'm f*cking pathetic.  I can't help it.  I f*cking love him.  Yes, I'm still IN LOVE with him even knowing that he couldn't give a damn about me.  I feel like a dumbas* in high school who is still after the guy that everyone knows doesn't care about the girl.  How do I go back to being me???

Naked

There is my hand - naked. No ring. It feels weird. It feels wrong. But I guess it shouldn't. He hasn't been wearing his ring. And when he separated from me he didn't wear it then either.

So why is it so hard for me?

My hand doesn't just feel naked - my whole being. I am so alone and cold and vulnerable - just naked.

I don't want a divorce. Divorce was never an option for me - even if I may have thought about it or even agreed to it now - it's not what I want. But how do I fight for my marriage. How do I argue his statement of, "I want a divorce from you. I'm not in love with you and haven't been in a long time."?

I just rack my brain and beat myself up for all my missteps. And it hurts even more that this is not hard for him. He says it is but I think it's more that he doesn't like getting sh*t from family and friends for his decision - not about divorcing me. I mean he's not in love with me so why should he even care? If anything it must be a relief for him.

And now? Me? I'm just even more confused. I was set to move to my aunt's and know that I need to for a little while but I don't want to move at the same time. I don't f*cking know anymore. I'm at such a loss.

And There's More to Come

So sure, we've come to the decision that we're divorcing, but there's more to come.

Today we do some initial thinking about what to do next with the house, who lives where, the bills, whether or not to get a lawyer or whatever.

Even if we sell the house, God, that's just more stuff to do, sign, sell, clean and fix.  

We had our last therapy session as a couple together.  Anti climactic - if anything he just showed me he has anger and annoyance at the whole situation.  

I'm going through all my crap and getting rid of things.  Of course I run across pictures of him and me.  We did have some good times.  And of course I still have cards from him - loving ones.  I want to believe a time when he did truly love me, but who knows?  Perhaps it was all just a facade...He wasn't sober then, but now he is.  With much greater clarity he is very aware that he is not in love with me.  How depressing.

Divorce

There. I wrote it.

Divorce.

Two evenings ago, with some prodding from me to have him talk to me instead of just focusing on the dog, he climbed up on the bed (again, because I asked him to) and proceeded to tell me that he fell out of love with me a long time ago and being sober doesn't help anything and that he wants a divorce.

Did you hear it? Did you hear my heart break for the third time? It's damaging. It's tiring. It's disappointing.

Of course tears. Expect any less?

There was no yelling. Thank God. But even though I "accepted" it, I told him why I had a hard time with it:
1) How come me? It doesn't appear that he is in love with anything right now - why me in that category and I get the short end of the stick?
2) He's barely started AA and the few but important visits I've had with the open AA meetings and the Al Anon meetings says his feelings are classic and that no sudden changes should take place.

There was quite bit of discussion, some including things to the effect of, "Didn't I have a clue?" and "You know you're not happy too" kind of lines. WTF? Sure I've been unhappy, but I'm in it, was in it, for the long haul - I wanted to give space and time for him for his recovery and collect himself at work. How could he not see that?

I am so tired just writing this, but I need to otherwise more episodes of my just breaking down will happen.

In just one day of hearing the news, I quit my job. How could I possibly function as a director when my f*cking heart got ripped out? So I've been home now for the last few days. And I've rented bins to begin to just throw out sh*t. And of course, I come across our wedding pictures, the congrats on your wedding cards and various turtle/rabbit paraphernalia we've collected over the years. Thank God my mom was out for an hour when I lost it. How could this have happened? Why did he turn on me? Why doesn't he want to wait at least a year to see where his feelings go? Why can't we face this together as a team? Because he doesn't want it. He doesn't even call, text or email me. We barely speak. He keeps his distance from me. You know my dog died last Friday evening and the next day no call to home - nothing. Instead by the time he came home I was so sad, disappointed and angry we ended up in our big blowout.

Oh yes, that too. He says because of our big blowout, he felt suicidal again and because of that - it was the last straw - that was his marker to leaving. So it's confusing.

Yesterday I saw the Dr.

He isn't wearing his ring again, by the way. I wonder if he did that before or just after telling me he was going to divorce me.

Oh and today a check came for 10k. How bizarre. I open all the mail - he knows that. Why in the world is he taking out 10k now?

Why is he hiding stuff from me if he's just divorcing me anyway? Even with all the hurt and pain he has caused me he continues to hide, distance himself and just omit information.

I feel such a tremendous loss. I want so desperately to have my best friend back. I need my husband by my side and he has rejected me.

I am hurt.

So Confused

I took a sick day today.  Because well, I was coughing like hell last night.  But more importantly, my head is sick.

So I began to clean the bathroom.

Upon doing so, going through the magazine rack, I found some documentation from hubby's retirement account from work with a request to get a loan for $15k for a residence.  Huh?  The request was made in July.   Weird right?  Was that around the time he was going to help his brother move?  Or uh?  But that's weird because he told me his parents just wanted to help with the monthly payment not the down payment.

So what does that mean?  What other secrets is my hubby keeping from me?  I'm doing my best to stick to what Al Anon tells me - lay off, keep clear, don't get obsessed.  But are hints and things from a greater power also telling me something?  What is going on?

I'm at such a loss.

In the meantime, I looked at the videos I made for hubby on the mac.  Wow...so much time has passed.  It seems like so long ago.  Yes he is different.  He doesn't have that same shine.  I don't know if it's so much about me as it is in himself.  He says he's not in love with me, but I think it's bigger than that.  He's not in love with life in general...at least that's the observation I'm making, but somehow he's boxed that into focusing that that loss of loving life is because of me.

But who knows?  Maybe I'm making excuses.  I'm trying not to obsess.

Can you believe yesterday and today I haven't contacted him?  Yah.  No texts no calls other than the call I made on my way home to the house last night.

I'm just scared though.  I feel like he's going to drop a bomb on me.  While he may have hinted at divorcing and there are weird clues suggesting it, when I've asked him to talk to me about it - nothing.

And then the other night when I told him, let's give it some time before we make any rash decisions he told me, "I'm not doing anything right now until the 1st of the year, don't want to put the family through all kinds of things.  And I have to talk to Dr. F anyway."  So does that mean there's hope or does that mean he's getting everything ready to leave me?  Preparing divorce papers to finding a new home.  Maybe he did get the job offer?

I'm so in the dark, but Al Anon says to worry about today.  

So today, I clean the bathroom.

I Did It

I did it. I told my boss I would be taking a leave of absence or leaving completely.

I can't believe I did it.

But I had to. I was bawling. I couldn't even control it. That's how much of this has taken over my soul.

I'm walking around pretending I'm okay and I'm not. I'm starting to crack up.

I'll be doing evening things with co workers this week. I wonder if I'll be able to keep it up.

I've got to get back to me and driving back and to work with all this on my mind is so trying to me.

Epiphany

I went to al anon yesterday evening. Such an epiphany for me even though I had been reading and reading and reading about what I was supposed to do being with an alcoholic.

To just let go.

Stop my texting and calling him. Even though in a normal relationship, that's what wives do. In an alcoholic relationship, any move I make, is seen as at attack and therefore he'll react to me differently and/or being to resent me.

But I believe it's little too late.

And I am exhausted.

I Didn't Even Mention

Jesus, what an idiot I am. I didn't even mention that my second darling of a dog - really my mother's but mine too - darling S.D. died Friday evening.

Another little piece of my heart broken.

So Over These Feelings

I've read over a little what I've written in the last few weeks and I'm so over these feelings. What the hell?

How in the world did this take over who I am and my entire being?

I want myself back. It would be great to have my husband back, but I think he's walking away from me and not looking back.

I need to get over myself. I am nothing, should feel nothing and accept nothingness.

Priorities

I don't know how it unfolded but we had a blowout on Saturday early afternoon.

What the hell was I thinking?

I went crazy, screaming and hitting my face.

But of course that was after I had pushed and pushed him to tell me what the f*ck was going on. And I ask him are your priorities in this order? Sobriety, job, dog and maybe me? He confirmed. And at one point just said he just doesn't care at all about my feelings - that he was feeling disconnected regardless. That being sober made things worse.

And it came out that he actually had printed out materials to divorce me as early as April. And I pushed him to just f*cking do it. So now? I think he will. We barely spoke the rest of the evening or barely today. In fact he slept on the floor with the dog. He rather sleep on the floor than be beside me.

What happened? It seems like ever since it came out that he had slept with another person, it's just gone all to hell.

He's so sad and depressed and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I want to be his friend, just a friend at the very least but he does not turn to me anymore. According to al anon this is all classic behavior and basically everything I'm doing is wrong.

I am so sad because I really want this to work. I want my best friend back. Where did he go? What did I do? Why can't I make things better? How come it has come to this?

And of course, most of all he told me that sure he loved me but isn't in love with me - not for a long time.

And so? I feel rejected, disgusted and worthless. I feel like such a failure, a nothing. Like all of this was a facade - that he never felt anything for me. And that I'm just even sadder, that it feels like he just gave up. And what's worse is that the depression won. It took over his smile and his genuine excitement. And the alcohol? In a way it definitely caused it. I realize for several years there was a problem and rather than me bringing it up as a problem I was the "nag" that they say in al anon books that I shouldn't have been and he began to see me in that light and believe in that light. So then he starts getting depressed, continues to drink and continues not to share his feelings. And I get the brunt. He sees me as the enemy it seems even though he has made mistakes along the way himself.

I wanted to have his child, see him be the father to our child. But now? I think for sure he will leave me and eventually he will find someone else. Someone else that will fill his heart and eye with a glimmer. I wish it could have been me. I wish it could have been me.

I am still in love with him.