Pathetic

I'm so incredibly pathetic.  I'm at home.  I'm not working.  I'm at home doing random errands and pining away for my husband who has asked for a divorce.

I'm such a fool.  I'm at a loss.

Today my mother and I got away to watch Slumdog Millionaire.  It was a very good romantic movie that made me want to puke at the same time.  Somewhere out there is a "love conquers all" kind of mentality.  Well guess what?  That didn't work for me, for us.

You know, I asked him on the phone, "Are you sure you want to do this?"  

Silence.

Then he says, "You mean get a divorce?"

I say, "Yes."

He says, "Yes."

Jesus, why do I put myself through this?  I just HAD to hear it again huh?  Torture. 

And now I'm getting cold feet on leaving the house, BUT I feel like I need it.  UGH!  

What the f*ck is wrong with me?  Why the f*ck do I care?  Why do I so badly want to see him when all he really wants to see is the DOG, not me.  I'm so fu*king pathetic.  Someone shoot me now.  Sometimes when I walk the dog I want a car to hit me - just kill me.  It would make it so much easier.

I went to dinner with hubby's cousin.  She tries to be supportive but instead I still continue to feel like sh*t because she lets me know how if it were her she wouldn't have been as nice as I was to him.  So what does that mean?  That I'm f*cking pathetic.  I can't help it.  I f*cking love him.  Yes, I'm still IN LOVE with him even knowing that he couldn't give a damn about me.  I feel like a dumbas* in high school who is still after the guy that everyone knows doesn't care about the girl.  How do I go back to being me???