New Year's Eve

H0w bizarre.

It's New Year's Eve and I am alone in the house that my husband and I bought with my mother.

I wanted to be alone. Or rather, I told hubby if he didn't have plans that I'd be here if he wanted to hang out. But he does have plans. He's going to Chris' house - his former AA sponsor and having his first sober New Year's. He wasn't planning to come home tonight but I asked him to.

Regardless of him, I wanted to spend my first New Year's in this "different place" on my own.

So my mother is at my aunt's house and I have said no to a couple of casual party invites.

Hubby basically moved out all his clothes, television and the apple computer. Bizarre. The closet looks so bare. I almost lost it, but I didn't. And the computer is now replaced with the docking station and laptop he purchased me.

Last night, I had asked if he wanted to get dinner. He said no - that he had plans with Jeremy. By 1 am I had texted him because I was worried. He texted back that he was okay and that he went to the beach. He was home by 1:45 am. We actually laid in the same bed together holding each other for a little bit. Nothing sexual at all and not too much "love" at all either - if anything mostly from me. He told me sorry twice. I asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said no.

And then today he basically moved out and is only coming home this evening because of my request. We also got notice from the lawyer today that the paperwork has been filed and that I will be served. Lovely. So it's over. It's really over. Sure I still have to sign paperwork, but I need to say it to believe it. I'm still in denial to a point.

I had a therapy session with our shared therapist. It was hard. I have to start doing things that I want and know what I want and act on what I want - but for so long, decisions have been joint or based on his wants or needs and OUR needs. Now I'm at a loss. On an emotional level I just want to get the hell out, but I need to give myself a little time and I have it.

While hubby did make the effort to refinance the house so mother and I would have a lower payment, I still met with a realtor/property manager to find out more of my options. If we want to sell, we can do so anytime between February and April 15 and then again from last week in April until late September. That's a high buying window season. So I've got a few months to figure out if me and my mom can float through this and survive or if the urgency is higher to sell. I also have some time to look for roommates and see how that goes along. It just sucks having to be responsible. Who knew that HIS wanting a divorce would play such a heavy burden on me? I know he is doing his best to help out - I mean, heck he did the refinancing thing to include his pay for now. And he got me the laptop and he's the one leaving the house and verbally he's told me he'd help me with the house payment and stuff...but I'm terrified. Simply terrified. At the end of the day, this will fall on mine and my mother's shoulders.