Priorities

I don't know how it unfolded but we had a blowout on Saturday early afternoon.

What the hell was I thinking?

I went crazy, screaming and hitting my face.

But of course that was after I had pushed and pushed him to tell me what the f*ck was going on. And I ask him are your priorities in this order? Sobriety, job, dog and maybe me? He confirmed. And at one point just said he just doesn't care at all about my feelings - that he was feeling disconnected regardless. That being sober made things worse.

And it came out that he actually had printed out materials to divorce me as early as April. And I pushed him to just f*cking do it. So now? I think he will. We barely spoke the rest of the evening or barely today. In fact he slept on the floor with the dog. He rather sleep on the floor than be beside me.

What happened? It seems like ever since it came out that he had slept with another person, it's just gone all to hell.

He's so sad and depressed and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I want to be his friend, just a friend at the very least but he does not turn to me anymore. According to al anon this is all classic behavior and basically everything I'm doing is wrong.

I am so sad because I really want this to work. I want my best friend back. Where did he go? What did I do? Why can't I make things better? How come it has come to this?

And of course, most of all he told me that sure he loved me but isn't in love with me - not for a long time.

And so? I feel rejected, disgusted and worthless. I feel like such a failure, a nothing. Like all of this was a facade - that he never felt anything for me. And that I'm just even sadder, that it feels like he just gave up. And what's worse is that the depression won. It took over his smile and his genuine excitement. And the alcohol? In a way it definitely caused it. I realize for several years there was a problem and rather than me bringing it up as a problem I was the "nag" that they say in al anon books that I shouldn't have been and he began to see me in that light and believe in that light. So then he starts getting depressed, continues to drink and continues not to share his feelings. And I get the brunt. He sees me as the enemy it seems even though he has made mistakes along the way himself.

I wanted to have his child, see him be the father to our child. But now? I think for sure he will leave me and eventually he will find someone else. Someone else that will fill his heart and eye with a glimmer. I wish it could have been me. I wish it could have been me.

I am still in love with him.