Can I Truly Hope?

Today is March 29.

It was another good weekend. Can I truly hope and believe? Should I allow myself to feel this way?

I mean it was another weekend revolving him - watching him get his tattoo and going to lunch with his friends. And I enjoyed it, but I get bitter and scared and resentful so I want to go to a dark place.

Yesterday on our way to his tatoo parlor, he mentioned a bachelor party that he was going to and I asked him about the wedding and if he was going and he said yes and then he was quick to say how the guy said no guests. And I totally get that, but, but I just cried. I told him that I wasn't crying - that I was just tearing up from yawning, but inside I was crying so hard, just because it felt like shit. It hurts, this whole situation hurts so much because I am not the same to him. Am I really his wife? You know my picture was turned down at his desk, he doesn't wear his ring and he doesn't say to the guy, "Can I bring my wife?". He just says are we allowed to bring anyone. So right now, I am just anyone and it feels like shit.

But then the rest of the weekend is good, feels good, so I just don't f*cking know. I don't want to doubt myslef, don't think I should doubt myself because any weakness and it's like it just makes me look like more of an ass than I already am. So this is bad, because getting back into this pseudo relationship, I shouldn't be going in it like this. I still have my doubts and fears. HOW DO I TRUST, JUST TRUST AGAIN, HOW DO I REGAIN MYSELF AS A PERSON TO THINK I'M WORTHY OF MYSELF AND A RELATIONSHIP THAT I DESERVE TO BE GOOD?

I want it to be him but I want more. I want him to truly want me. He's just a 1/3 of the way there, but truth, he's not truthful - not yet. He hasn't come clean, he hasn't chased after me, truly chased after me or what I believe is to be a true and genuine apology. I think I'm just more angry that he hasn't owned up to all of it. And I just don't know if it's ever going to happen. Is he ready for his truth? Am I ready to see it?

Friday Night

So it's Friday night, 10:18 pm.

I partook (is that a word?) in retail therapy - something I can't afford, but did. Retail remorse. Ugh.

Mom is in bed. Gus is supposedly tired and went to a meeting and went to sleep. I've texted him and no reply. He sounded tired for sure, but I wonder at times, if he's making time to see that other girl - PSB. Yup, a different one from AF. I wonder if we stay in this marriage if he will see different women at different times when it gets hard for him. I am obviously not enough. Not enough for him. I am enough for me, but now what? I guess I'm just being impatient and imposing self hate because I'm not in control of anything. I'm in control of me but obviously I'm not all there yet.

And now I'm eating a cookie. I could eat a million if I didn't feel like such a fat pig. I've finally lost weight and now I eat and eat because I'm just at a loss. I want to actually lose even more weight. I want to be skinny - meaning that would be 120 lbs for me, but I'm scared to do it too - I love food too much. Ha.

I'm writing while watching Grey's Anatomy.

It's depressing me.

My life is going to be better, right? Yes. I want it to be better. I will be better.

Has It Really Been a Month?

Has it really been over a month since I've written?

So much and so little has happened.

He stopped the divorce process.

We've had sex.

He's slept over.

I've slept over.

I have a new dog or did I mention that in the last post?

In the moment of being with him, I feel great. When away, I slowly fall apart inside. I am still distrustful. It's crazy, but I feel like the truth is not all out there. This is not the way a relationship is supposed to be. But I guess I'm just scared - just so confused at times. I feel like it's not clear as to what he wants - if he really wants this.