Can I Truly Hope?

Today is March 29.

It was another good weekend. Can I truly hope and believe? Should I allow myself to feel this way?

I mean it was another weekend revolving him - watching him get his tattoo and going to lunch with his friends. And I enjoyed it, but I get bitter and scared and resentful so I want to go to a dark place.

Yesterday on our way to his tatoo parlor, he mentioned a bachelor party that he was going to and I asked him about the wedding and if he was going and he said yes and then he was quick to say how the guy said no guests. And I totally get that, but, but I just cried. I told him that I wasn't crying - that I was just tearing up from yawning, but inside I was crying so hard, just because it felt like shit. It hurts, this whole situation hurts so much because I am not the same to him. Am I really his wife? You know my picture was turned down at his desk, he doesn't wear his ring and he doesn't say to the guy, "Can I bring my wife?". He just says are we allowed to bring anyone. So right now, I am just anyone and it feels like shit.

But then the rest of the weekend is good, feels good, so I just don't f*cking know. I don't want to doubt myslef, don't think I should doubt myself because any weakness and it's like it just makes me look like more of an ass than I already am. So this is bad, because getting back into this pseudo relationship, I shouldn't be going in it like this. I still have my doubts and fears. HOW DO I TRUST, JUST TRUST AGAIN, HOW DO I REGAIN MYSELF AS A PERSON TO THINK I'M WORTHY OF MYSELF AND A RELATIONSHIP THAT I DESERVE TO BE GOOD?

I want it to be him but I want more. I want him to truly want me. He's just a 1/3 of the way there, but truth, he's not truthful - not yet. He hasn't come clean, he hasn't chased after me, truly chased after me or what I believe is to be a true and genuine apology. I think I'm just more angry that he hasn't owned up to all of it. And I just don't know if it's ever going to happen. Is he ready for his truth? Am I ready to see it?