Friday Night

So it's Friday night, 10:18 pm.

I partook (is that a word?) in retail therapy - something I can't afford, but did. Retail remorse. Ugh.

Mom is in bed. Gus is supposedly tired and went to a meeting and went to sleep. I've texted him and no reply. He sounded tired for sure, but I wonder at times, if he's making time to see that other girl - PSB. Yup, a different one from AF. I wonder if we stay in this marriage if he will see different women at different times when it gets hard for him. I am obviously not enough. Not enough for him. I am enough for me, but now what? I guess I'm just being impatient and imposing self hate because I'm not in control of anything. I'm in control of me but obviously I'm not all there yet.

And now I'm eating a cookie. I could eat a million if I didn't feel like such a fat pig. I've finally lost weight and now I eat and eat because I'm just at a loss. I want to actually lose even more weight. I want to be skinny - meaning that would be 120 lbs for me, but I'm scared to do it too - I love food too much. Ha.

I'm writing while watching Grey's Anatomy.

It's depressing me.

My life is going to be better, right? Yes. I want it to be better. I will be better.