Dare to Be Hopeful?

It was just seven days or so ago that I was hating myself. Do I still hate myself? Not quite. I'm not confident - I'm not anything.

Do I dare to be hopeful? The last session we had, he said he was leaning towards moving back home. I will believe it when I see it, I suppose.

Today I had the strongest urge to call him and just discuss the day - not that that was anything too important - but just someone to have some back and forth with. We i'md one line today, not much. I'm the one who reached out first so I figure beyond that, he'd call, right?

In just a few more days, the big event will be here. And God, how much I hope for it to all work out. I don't imagine I could take much more disappointment. Perhaps I've come to my tipping point in what I can handle. Doc says look at what I've been through - father's death at a young age, mother's stroke and now my husband leaving me - and I still function. There are moments though that I feel like absolutely giving up - I feel tired, tired of being responsible, tired of continuing to move forward regardless of how sad I feel.

And worst of all, for this time around, I feel most alone. Isn't that weird? You'd think as an ony child latchkey kid growing up - that would be the worst - and in many ways it was awful, but now, feeling rejected at this age, maybe I'm just taking it harder.

Oh well. We'll see where the day takes us...

Been Crying Like Crazy...

I went on two walks today and I've been crying like crazy. 

And tonight we had dinner together and even though I was tremendously happy to see him, during dinner I actually started to tear up.  I couldn't help myself.  And then after dinner we went to our separate cars and I was bawling so hard in my car.

I want so badly for everything to work out and yet, my anxiety kicks in and then my tears do too. And it doesn't help that I got my period today.

I want to give up.  I hit myself today in the face.  It had been a while but I wanted to "snap out of it".  Right now, I feel like I have been so patient and supportive and now I'm terrified that I'm about to take a turn into total depression or complete resentment and I don't want either feeling.

I want him to put me out of my misery.

In the meantime it has been suggested that he take some anti depressant medication...which of course I worry about because he drinks and smokes so all together?  What could happen with that type of concoction.  Hell, when I took my mom's sleeping pill when I felt horrible the night or two after he told me I had the worst possible dreams.  

What am I saying or talking about?

I am so f*cked in the head right now.   I just hate myself - hate the way I look, the way I feel, how I am just such a pathetic disgusting pig waiting around for my heart to be broken even more.  I can't make my own husband happy.  Instead I make him miserable....

I Don't Want to Celebrate

I saw my cousins this weekend. It was good. I love them. They are good people.

We talked about birthdays. I want to take my cousin and then my cousin in law out. They said that my birthday is first so they want to take me out.

I don't want to.

I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I want it to slip by me quietly as I am in mourning. My birthday comes just 5 days after what would be my seventh wedding anniversary. That too I want to go by quietly because inside I'll be screaming.

How can I celebrate my life when I don't feel completely alive? It will be the first in 10 years that I haven't celebrated with my husband in one form or another.

I just don't want to celebrate my birthday right now. Next year, I'll be back in full form, I promise - but this year, let me be. Let me NOT be the center of attention in which at the age of turning 32 I lose my husband and feel like such a failure.

I Think I'm Okay...

I think I'm okay and then...and then it hits me - the tears. They flow without the regard of the fact that I'm completely visible in my car along the PCH where drivers passing by can easily see me. I can't control the pain that emits from my throat - choking on my what little confidence I have left inside.

Come back to me. Just come home please. If you want, I'll forget all that happened if you want...but you don't even want - me. I'm not worth it to you - your life or your priority...

I was told by a mutual friend to communicate, communicate, communicate. But how do I communicate with someone who in couples therapy says, "I don't know"? And then this week? No couples therapy - your choice. But then in i.m., you invite me to a baseball game. And it brings me great hope and then it hits me the tears - all my fears realized in the idea that it is a mirage and that I can't grasp onto what appears for it can shatter so easily.

You aren't home. I don't sleep in our bed. Instead I sleep in another bed alone without you by my side. All this time I feared that you'd die the same age as my father. Instead I lost you at an even earlier age - you are 31 and he was 36. And while as a child I may have thought his dying was my fault I got over it. But this? You leaving? Why would I NOT think it was my fault? I wasn't enough...I'm not enough. And the Dr. says for me not to think that way - that you've got your issues, but Jesus everyone has issues and other men don't leave. You didn't even leave FOR another woman - you just left me.

It just hurts. How do I continue to tolerate this limbo? How will I keep from getting angry or completely depressed. In just a few weeks, the big event will be over and I won't be distracted in the same way. In fact, I may even become more sad for all my ups and downs over such a big event won't even be shared with you.

I sound so pathetic, but that's what I'm feeling right now.

Even With Hope

So a few days ago I said there was a glimpse of hope.

But now? I don't know. I'm in my head and thinking a million thoughts as I was driving earlier today and it occurred to me - "Who would want to stay married to me?"

There is no added value for my estranged husband to be with me. I have no brothers and sisters - so an extended family for him is neglible - sure he got along with my cousins and he still will regardless of me. We have no children together so there is no new or additional joy for us to share together. I rarely cook and at our busiest we rarely had sex. I'm only getting older and bigger.

If anything I am a burden. I come with a package - my mother. I make less money but I work a lot of hours so there is little time with me. Sure I can be a friend, but he has a whole network of friends so he doesn't really need me. And sex? Maybe he didn't enjoy it. Scarred body. Useless ovaries. And besides he can always find another to provide that for him and even have more of a chance to get pregnant with her.

I get it. I get why he doesn't want me. Right now he is free. No added baggage if I'm not around. Really what did I have to offer for HIM?

Him in my life? So much added value. He is entertaining. He can cook. He provides well. He has an extended family. He has a large social network. Whatever I have doesn't compare so I suppose he should be with someone better matched to him. Really. What was I thinking? Why was it so hard to believe that he would leave me? What an idiot I am.

Weeks

I know it's been weeks since I've written.  

I've slowed my expressive side because there hasn't been much progress.  

I don't know.  Two weeks ago, in session he said for sure headed toward divorce.  Then a baseball game together and in the next session it's a question mark.  And me?  I feel positive about that. Who knew a question mark could be so positive.  And yet, he hasn't tried to contact me.  I guess that's a good thing.

Limbo.  That is the word of the day.  The word of the last few weeks.  What is the tipping point towards one direction or another?  I'm not sure.

I'm thinking worst case scenario all the time.  What if?

What if we do get a divorce?  

House.  Must sell.  Can't buy him out.

Second job?  Pretty damn sure I'd have to do.

Date?  Impossible?  I've always said that I just can't imagine being single?  All over again? Jesus.

What if he meets someone new and gets her pregnant quick?  Then what?  Completely proves how worthless I am.

I don't know.  Have I said that already?  A broken record.   Now I sound like him. 

I need to fix the bathroom.  If not for my own sake, then at least to help the house sell in case I need to sell it.

I haven't talked to his parents.  I figured, why start now?  I think we had a positive relationship but hubby wasn't all that into visiting and I usually was the one to nudge in the first place.  I figure I'd email or send cards for special occasions or holidays.  That's the least I can do.

What do I do with all our dishes?  What do I do with our wedding photos?  Pretty meaningless now, huh?  They have a value for me but it's like torturing myself.  Where did it go?

How am I functioning right now?  Is it all a dream and I am going to wake up soon?  Is this really my reality?  Not going to make it to seven years of marriage?  Almost two months until our anniversary - instead it may become a divorce anniversary.  How weird, how bizarre, how just sad.