It's been quite some time since I've written.
He has not returned though.
We talk more often, hang out more often, but he has yet to return.
We do have our big trip in just two weeks. And I wonder, I wonder how it will be.
I also turned 32 in this span of time. How bizarre. I can't believe that I am 32 and in this estranged relationship with my husband and still living with my mother at the same time. I'm at a loss to try and describe this roller coaster of a ride. And I'm trying not to think too much of anything, but that's nearly impossible.
I say that I'm okay, but I must not be because I have rashes all over my body - in different places. Whatever I'm holding in must be expressing itself in this physical way. I went to the dermatologist and used the medicine in one place - the rash goes away - then it just pops up in a different place.
And I got a new car. One that he handled getting for me and one that he registered to both of our names so that's good right? And we still have our big trip planned so of course that must be good too...but deep in my heart I'm unsettled. Just wondering what this all means...and of course just wondering, if I do all the changing has he at all?
If he comes back, at least on the surface nothing has changed, rather more burdens to bear. His work is still his work and from the sounds of things it's only continuing to get busier. And he still drinks. And now he smokes again. And he's on antideppresant medication. What does that all mean? Rather than a changing of behaviors he has new ones or even deeper ones. On one occasion when I was away for the weekend we chatted by phone and he dropped a line that he drank an entire bottle of vodka that day. But then on another day he didn't drink one drop. And then...and then, we get along and hang out and have dinner and snuggle. And then one day after a change in medication and a couple of drinks he yells at me in the car to say, "I'm never coming back. I'd rather die that to live with you and your mother!" And I take it all in and look at the next day as a new day, but I guess I still hold it. Needless to say it's rather confusing.
So how do I write that? I stopped writing because I felt like all I did was repeat myself and how much I was crying. And guess what? I'm still crying.
