With all the hullaballo with the hubby I digressed.
What in the hell was this blog all about in the first place?
Uh - getting pregnant.
And I haven't talked to much about it, but was excited because I found out a woman was starting a new blog: http://www.fertilityfollies.com/ .
So it inspired me to provide an update for my pregnancy woes. Or lack thereof.
I believe I completely failed to mention the whole fallopian tube testing debacle! I can't believe it, but then again I can because I was terrified and extremely embarrassed beyond doubt. But there's no time like now to share an incredibly embarrassing story on the world wide web! I mean hey, the likelihood of me ever becoming a star or a politician where this would be exposed is well comletely nill. (hope i used that word correctly there).
Check back for the details. Who in the hell am I writing this to? It's not like I've told anyone about this blog. Oh well, it makes it better this way for me.
9/26/2008
9/25/2008
Today...
I head to work in late today because I'll be working this evening.
So I'm just here. Already did the work check email thing and now waiting, waiting and waiting for some dog groomer to come by and see if she can work on our old dog. We've only gone one dog now.
Before hubby left the home in February, just a few weeks prior, the other old dog died. That was rough. And now we wait for current dog to die. And in the meantime hubby is looking for a new dog. One to rescue, which is a good thing, but so weird that just seven months ago he left the home and now? Now, he wants to take responsibility of an animal that in my heart of hearts, I know my mom and I will take care of the most. He doesn't see it that way, but we'll see.
Last night he did not sleep here. And tonight he will not sleep here. Rather, he will be at the house room he's rented for this month and begin to pack his things to move back home. Officially, that begins on October 1. Weird. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and we've had some really solid moments in this last month - quite regular moments mostly - which is actually better. But, who knows
So I'm just here. Already did the work check email thing and now waiting, waiting and waiting for some dog groomer to come by and see if she can work on our old dog. We've only gone one dog now.
Before hubby left the home in February, just a few weeks prior, the other old dog died. That was rough. And now we wait for current dog to die. And in the meantime hubby is looking for a new dog. One to rescue, which is a good thing, but so weird that just seven months ago he left the home and now? Now, he wants to take responsibility of an animal that in my heart of hearts, I know my mom and I will take care of the most. He doesn't see it that way, but we'll see.
Last night he did not sleep here. And tonight he will not sleep here. Rather, he will be at the house room he's rented for this month and begin to pack his things to move back home. Officially, that begins on October 1. Weird. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and we've had some really solid moments in this last month - quite regular moments mostly - which is actually better. But, who knows
9/17/2008
Recovery
I have a long commute. And often times I dream of things I'd want to write about but then I realize I'm not a writer and couldn't figure out how to create a beginning, middle and end to a story, but I still fantasize about me writing about this time in my life.
I'd call it RECOVERY.
It would be about my recovery from a husband who separated from me and a bit about my husband's recovery in relation to just admitting recently that he is an alcoholic.
But I'm such a lazy writer as evidenced by my lack of postings in quite some time.
And of course, I have such a hard time really articulating every detail and really creating a picture of every moment.
I'll try though and practice.
Today was part of recovery. The therapist came to the house today to meet with mom, me and hubby.
Hubby called to say he'd be late. He was 15 minutes late, the guy that's remodeling our bathroom was still here and we had to sit outside. It was a session with quite a few distractions - and my butt was hurting from the wood chairs that I had pulled out for us to sit on.
Again, it was more baby steps of communication, communication, communication. Each of us admitting or expressing our expectations of a need to be honest and direct. And that whatever the response is to take it without assuming there is more to it than there is. Case in point - hubby comes home from work. Mom begins to ask him how his day is. If he doesn't want to talk he is to say, I don't want to talk right now. She is to accept and not take personally. And he just deals with what he needs to deal with. That's totally simplified because of course in between, therapist adds more steps, more clarification.
So the hour passes. We finish and I barely get the chance to talk to hubby. I tell myself to not take personally. I tell myself be happy that he says he's going to "class" - code for AA. But now I'm just sitting our home office made from the 3rd part of the 3 car garage. I'm in the dark with the bright light on my face from the computer. And well, I just feel alone.
Right now, no one is in my exact situation. I mean, no one really has been for several of these "setbacks" in my life. Something still doesn't feel right. And I'm trying to address it. With work, I asked for two days to work from home. And boss just approved. And at home, I've been trying to be as direct as possible with hubby -- and I really do believe it's working. But something, just something is off. I wonder if I just didn't give myself enough time and space to grieve what was such a loss for me and grieve the loss of my companions at work. Or maybe I'm just nervous because I wonder if hubby and I will make it through to a point where it just becomes super natural again and that the communication becomes a habit.
Or maybe something isn't right because I just don't know what's going to happen with his being a part of AA. That's a huge incredible step and well, what happens now? He invited me to an AA meeting which was really so good of him. I went and we listened to a guy who was similar, but not, to hubby. Why the guest speaker went to alcohol - that was slightly similar, but all the negative consequences? That's just not my husband. I mean at least as far as I know of. In 10 years of being together, the one time it was so bad, was during our separation when he got drunk while taking a new medication and he was screaming at me that he hated me and would never come back to me. That hardly compares to the AA story I heard the one time I visited or the AA stories he shares of guys/girls that have left their kids in cars, driven drunk, destroyed things, etc. I mean, it's just never been quite like that, but I suppose it could have been. But there is a problem. As long as he has chosen to go that means he recognizes for himself that he has a problem.
Where do I fit into this. When I visited the AA session, the man talking shared how folks in AA tend to meet and marry folks in AA. I get it. I know why, because it takes a big part of your life and there people "understand" you and they share an activity together a lot. So on top of hubby being at work at least 60 hours a week, 2 -4 hours a week at softball and now 3 - 9 hours at AA, where do I fit in with him to really connect? Even if we are together, the little hours that are left are "shared" hours with his family or mine. I don't regret that part of it, but I just regret that there's little left for us and I worry that he will lose a connection to me. He's in his own world right now and he has to be - I get that, but I hope he doesn't stop reaching out to me.
I'd call it RECOVERY.
It would be about my recovery from a husband who separated from me and a bit about my husband's recovery in relation to just admitting recently that he is an alcoholic.
But I'm such a lazy writer as evidenced by my lack of postings in quite some time.
And of course, I have such a hard time really articulating every detail and really creating a picture of every moment.
I'll try though and practice.
Today was part of recovery. The therapist came to the house today to meet with mom, me and hubby.
Hubby called to say he'd be late. He was 15 minutes late, the guy that's remodeling our bathroom was still here and we had to sit outside. It was a session with quite a few distractions - and my butt was hurting from the wood chairs that I had pulled out for us to sit on.
Again, it was more baby steps of communication, communication, communication. Each of us admitting or expressing our expectations of a need to be honest and direct. And that whatever the response is to take it without assuming there is more to it than there is. Case in point - hubby comes home from work. Mom begins to ask him how his day is. If he doesn't want to talk he is to say, I don't want to talk right now. She is to accept and not take personally. And he just deals with what he needs to deal with. That's totally simplified because of course in between, therapist adds more steps, more clarification.
So the hour passes. We finish and I barely get the chance to talk to hubby. I tell myself to not take personally. I tell myself be happy that he says he's going to "class" - code for AA. But now I'm just sitting our home office made from the 3rd part of the 3 car garage. I'm in the dark with the bright light on my face from the computer. And well, I just feel alone.
Right now, no one is in my exact situation. I mean, no one really has been for several of these "setbacks" in my life. Something still doesn't feel right. And I'm trying to address it. With work, I asked for two days to work from home. And boss just approved. And at home, I've been trying to be as direct as possible with hubby -- and I really do believe it's working. But something, just something is off. I wonder if I just didn't give myself enough time and space to grieve what was such a loss for me and grieve the loss of my companions at work. Or maybe I'm just nervous because I wonder if hubby and I will make it through to a point where it just becomes super natural again and that the communication becomes a habit.
Or maybe something isn't right because I just don't know what's going to happen with his being a part of AA. That's a huge incredible step and well, what happens now? He invited me to an AA meeting which was really so good of him. I went and we listened to a guy who was similar, but not, to hubby. Why the guest speaker went to alcohol - that was slightly similar, but all the negative consequences? That's just not my husband. I mean at least as far as I know of. In 10 years of being together, the one time it was so bad, was during our separation when he got drunk while taking a new medication and he was screaming at me that he hated me and would never come back to me. That hardly compares to the AA story I heard the one time I visited or the AA stories he shares of guys/girls that have left their kids in cars, driven drunk, destroyed things, etc. I mean, it's just never been quite like that, but I suppose it could have been. But there is a problem. As long as he has chosen to go that means he recognizes for himself that he has a problem.
Where do I fit into this. When I visited the AA session, the man talking shared how folks in AA tend to meet and marry folks in AA. I get it. I know why, because it takes a big part of your life and there people "understand" you and they share an activity together a lot. So on top of hubby being at work at least 60 hours a week, 2 -4 hours a week at softball and now 3 - 9 hours at AA, where do I fit in with him to really connect? Even if we are together, the little hours that are left are "shared" hours with his family or mine. I don't regret that part of it, but I just regret that there's little left for us and I worry that he will lose a connection to me. He's in his own world right now and he has to be - I get that, but I hope he doesn't stop reaching out to me.
9/12/2008
He's Back. Kind of.
It is now September 12. In short, he has returned. Kind of.
To say we've been through hell and back, bad and good is an understatement. If I let myself be positive - then all is good and I should be celebrating. But if I allow myself to think negatively, then every worry possible thought can come out. So what are the facts then?
He is attending AA meetings. So far, 3.
He sleeps over. His lease should end by September 30th.
He doesn't want to have a child right now.
I'm considering leaving my job.
In between those statements are many therapy sessions, tears, hugs and more.
And when I figure out how to write it all out, I will.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)