Recovery

I have a long commute. And often times I dream of things I'd want to write about but then I realize I'm not a writer and couldn't figure out how to create a beginning, middle and end to a story, but I still fantasize about me writing about this time in my life.

I'd call it RECOVERY.

It would be about my recovery from a husband who separated from me and a bit about my husband's recovery in relation to just admitting recently that he is an alcoholic.

But I'm such a lazy writer as evidenced by my lack of postings in quite some time.

And of course, I have such a hard time really articulating every detail and really creating a picture of every moment.

I'll try though and practice.

Today was part of recovery. The therapist came to the house today to meet with mom, me and hubby.

Hubby called to say he'd be late. He was 15 minutes late, the guy that's remodeling our bathroom was still here and we had to sit outside. It was a session with quite a few distractions - and my butt was hurting from the wood chairs that I had pulled out for us to sit on.

Again, it was more baby steps of communication, communication, communication. Each of us admitting or expressing our expectations of a need to be honest and direct. And that whatever the response is to take it without assuming there is more to it than there is. Case in point - hubby comes home from work. Mom begins to ask him how his day is. If he doesn't want to talk he is to say, I don't want to talk right now. She is to accept and not take personally. And he just deals with what he needs to deal with. That's totally simplified because of course in between, therapist adds more steps, more clarification.

So the hour passes. We finish and I barely get the chance to talk to hubby. I tell myself to not take personally. I tell myself be happy that he says he's going to "class" - code for AA. But now I'm just sitting our home office made from the 3rd part of the 3 car garage. I'm in the dark with the bright light on my face from the computer. And well, I just feel alone.

Right now, no one is in my exact situation. I mean, no one really has been for several of these "setbacks" in my life. Something still doesn't feel right. And I'm trying to address it. With work, I asked for two days to work from home. And boss just approved. And at home, I've been trying to be as direct as possible with hubby -- and I really do believe it's working. But something, just something is off. I wonder if I just didn't give myself enough time and space to grieve what was such a loss for me and grieve the loss of my companions at work. Or maybe I'm just nervous because I wonder if hubby and I will make it through to a point where it just becomes super natural again and that the communication becomes a habit.

Or maybe something isn't right because I just don't know what's going to happen with his being a part of AA. That's a huge incredible step and well, what happens now? He invited me to an AA meeting which was really so good of him. I went and we listened to a guy who was similar, but not, to hubby. Why the guest speaker went to alcohol - that was slightly similar, but all the negative consequences? That's just not my husband. I mean at least as far as I know of. In 10 years of being together, the one time it was so bad, was during our separation when he got drunk while taking a new medication and he was screaming at me that he hated me and would never come back to me. That hardly compares to the AA story I heard the one time I visited or the AA stories he shares of guys/girls that have left their kids in cars, driven drunk, destroyed things, etc. I mean, it's just never been quite like that, but I suppose it could have been. But there is a problem. As long as he has chosen to go that means he recognizes for himself that he has a problem.

Where do I fit into this. When I visited the AA session, the man talking shared how folks in AA tend to meet and marry folks in AA. I get it. I know why, because it takes a big part of your life and there people "understand" you and they share an activity together a lot. So on top of hubby being at work at least 60 hours a week, 2 -4 hours a week at softball and now 3 - 9 hours at AA, where do I fit in with him to really connect? Even if we are together, the little hours that are left are "shared" hours with his family or mine. I don't regret that part of it, but I just regret that there's little left for us and I worry that he will lose a connection to me. He's in his own world right now and he has to be - I get that, but I hope he doesn't stop reaching out to me.