The Egg Retrieval

I can't believe I waited this long to post. Actually, I can. I've been slammed at work, a bit distracted over all this trying to get pregnant business and running all the way to Ontario to see my cousin's wife's NEW TWINS!

So much has happened! An egg retrieval AND an egg transfer.

Ok let's quickly talk about the egg retrieval so I can quickly talk about the egg transfer and get onto the more important part of my emotions in which I express who terribly terrified and excited I am.

Egg retrieval happened on...hmmm, wait, TWO Sundays ago. Crazytown. Had to be there an hour before and of course, the evening before and the morning of, I was not allowed to eat anything. Me and hubby made our way to Encino and I was met by T, who told me to go in back area, undress bottom portion, keep my socks on and wait. I was the only patient. I mean it was a Sunday and it was early in the morning.

Read magazines and eventually was taken into the operating room and it looked terrifying. Bright lights, very clean, but the stirrups were HUGE. Not metal, but large pads where the calves are supported and STRAPS to hold my puppies into place since I'd be under local anesthesia. Did I mention I was so nervous that I felt like going poo the whole time, but of course I didn't have any food in me, but still I kept thinking that I'd lose consciousness, my body would lose its ability to control itself and that I'd poo onto Dr. F.

But I digress.

Instead they put a needle on my arm and gave me relaxing medicine to which I told the anesthesiologist - you are going to put more right? I'm not sleeping. I need to sleep. I repeated that several times and she nicely, but begrudgingly let me know, yes, yes, yes will do but you need to see the doctor first.

Fine. We waited. I waited. I anxiously waited and then my last memory was seeing him and briefly talking to him.

Then I woke up and it was done.

Now what was done? DUDE, it is friggin weird. Of course I have no recollection, but I do RECOLLECT the paperwork that me and hubby had to sign that said they'd be opening up my vagina and guiding a NEEDLE to grab them ovaries. HIYA! And it warned that they could poke an organ and that I could bleed.

No organ poked. But yes, I did bleed a little at least a week after.

I rested at home. I went to work the next day. Dumb to go to work the next day but I'm dumb. By Tuesday, I went back to work again and then realized that was dumb and went home early for more rest. Wait I'm lying. I think my days are f'd up. But yes, point of the story? After egg retrieval, even though you can technically work, stay home the next day.

So I get the call that SEVENTEEN eggs were retrieved. NINE fertilized. SEVEN were embryos. So what of these numbers? Well it's the embryos that matter. And guess what? We were short ONE to make the study where they give us $4,000 back to take pictures. Oh well. Kind of disappointing but not because well duh, the most important thing is to get pregnant.

And then we were told to wait and for me to take more medicine. No more shots this time, but oral and vaginal medicines. Woo hoo. The TRANSFER would be the next Sunday - ALREADY.

Sonohysterogram

Ah, the sonohysterogram. Who knew? Also known as SHG, but to me? Just another thing they throw in the vagina.

So the day before yesterday, downed a 5 mg valium, had my mother-in-law pick me and made my way to the dr's for an additional test. He moved my curved cervix dug in quite a bit, stuck in a thin tube to inject saline into my uterus and took pictures. Voila! But of course my left butt cheek locked up, I was tense and I acted like it was no big deal as I hummed a song and pretended to give a sh*t about the latest on the Kardashians in US weekly. Not even they could distract me. Ugh.

At least this time he got the pictures. Don't know if I wrote how we tried the SHG just before the big trip and the dr's righthand woman wasn't successful PLUS on that attempt I had no valium. Not that valium helped this time. Next time, 10 mg.

Stayed home to work from home. Went to work yesterday and now I'm going back today for another vaginal ultrasound. Joy! I hope you realize that many of this sentences have a slight tinge of sarcasm.

It's crazy how fast this is going. I mean, when we finally made the decision, boom, had the investment committee and then we began.

Oh by the way, hubby's sperm, so it's like OK, but not fabulously fantastic so that means they have to do an ICSI where after they take my egg, they'll pick the best sperm and actually shoot it in there. Sounds fine, but originally doctor said he would have preferred "natural". Well hell ain't nothing natural so far. And OF COURSE the ICSI isn't included in the $10,200 stuff. Yah! What's another two grand?

Sarcasm. Sarcasm. Sarcasm. Yes, that's a defense mechanism folks. That's how it works, I need to crack jokes, be a bit bitchy and only cry when I watch Grey's Anatomy or in the car.

The other day I told hubby how I cried. He responded, "Whatever happens, will happen." Decent response I suppose. It's not like I expect him to say anything too profound. But recovering alcoholic Latino machismo men be damned for their inability to share more feelings or have empathy! Grrr. And of course, damn the Asian silent woman who'd rather criticize than say I statements. That's marriage and infertility for you.

Well at least there's my pregnant single girlfriend. She's been a godsend. Ironic that the biggest support comes from the woman that got pregnant while drunk from a one night stand in another country. And that's life. Of f*ck, I sound like a b*tch. At the end of the day, I have to remind myself how blessed I am. No pity party here. Who the f*ck am I? Here I go with an investment committee to try and help me have a baby and people can't even pay their mortgage.

I should be working now before the appointment, but you know, I'm a grown up, trying to do the mature thing and get my feelings out. I don't want to regress into the bottled up bullsh*t that ends up eating away at me and leaves me smacking my own face in fits of anger.

So let's focus and get that vision boarding thing to happen.

I will get pregnant and it will be a safe and healthy process. I will produce a healthy baby (or babies because well that's a possibility with IVF) and have a safe delivery. There I said it. Put out into the universe positive things and be direct. This IVF stuff will assist in this process and it will be a safe process. My husband and me will continue to have a positive and continually improved relationship through this process and after.

Have a wonderful day!

It's Real

So I just ran to the bathroom, tears streaming down my face.

I don't know what came over me, actually I do.

It's real now.

I just came from out of the office after giving myself a horomone shot. I felt so alone. And now I am just terrified.

We'd been talking about this for so long and then suddenly we are here, about to enter IVF and I am so scared of disappointment. Oh God, can this please work for us? I act so nonchalant about it but I have to be as the good Dr. throws things in my vagina and talks about all the drugs.

The investment committee - what I lovingly call our parents have each given us $5k. So we've got this budget of $15 k right now. Already $10k has been charged on the cards to the good Dr. And then we went to the pharmacy and put on $2k worth of drugs. I have two thousand dollars worth of drugs in our refrigerator and our office. Jesus Christ.

I went online and looked up IVF. At my age, live birth from IVF, just 25%. Crazy, right?

Is this really happening? It is. Before Italy - yes we went to Italy - it seemed like it was meandering, but then we get back, I make an appointment and it happens to be on the third day of my menses and it's all systems go. It's great. I wanted it, but it doesn't make it any less scary.

As early as next week they will be putting a needle in my vagina to extract an egg. Bizarre. And I had to sign nearly 30 sheets of paperwork saying I acknowledge that things can go wrong. What happened to ignorance as bliss?

I haven't let hubby see me take the shots. Partly because he hates needles but mostly because I've read how husbands and wives begin to see themselves - just as objects. I don't want him to see me that way, I still want him to see me sexually, not just this science experiment, but that runs a risk of me feeling alone and maybe him feeling disconnected from the process.

On Christmas morning, he got the card out from the stocking hung on the fireplace at his parents' house. His face looked so surprised. I walked over and saw th $5k amount. I said to him it had to be about the baby making. A month or so before, we had asked his mom and my mom about gettigng their financial support. And that check, well that was the deciding factor. I pulled his mom to the side and asked, are you sure? You realize there are no guarantees and she said yes.

I told our mothers that again when they sat in the good Drs office with us to get more information about the IVF process. They said they understood. I suppose we all understand it, but what will it feel like when I do or do not get pregnant?

And we have told no one other than them. Well of course I've mentioned it to K, but she's been out out of town so she hasn't heard the latest. Ugh, and of course I've called Ate and N, but no answer. Thank God for blogs.

So I am crying. I'm just crying. I am scared.

Uh thank God. Just talked to my ate and was able to vent.