So the day before yesterday, downed a 5 mg valium, had my mother-in-law pick me and made my way to the dr's for an additional test. He moved my curved cervix dug in quite a bit, stuck in a thin tube to inject saline into my uterus and took pictures. Voila! But of course my left butt cheek locked up, I was tense and I acted like it was no big deal as I hummed a song and pretended to give a sh*t about the latest on the Kardashians in US weekly. Not even they could distract me. Ugh.
At least this time he got the pictures. Don't know if I wrote how we tried the SHG just before the big trip and the dr's righthand woman wasn't successful PLUS on that attempt I had no valium. Not that valium helped this time. Next time, 10 mg.
Stayed home to work from home. Went to work yesterday and now I'm going back today for another vaginal ultrasound. Joy! I hope you realize that many of this sentences have a slight tinge of sarcasm.
It's crazy how fast this is going. I mean, when we finally made the decision, boom, had the investment committee and then we began.
Oh by the way, hubby's sperm, so it's like OK, but not fabulously fantastic so that means they have to do an ICSI where after they take my egg, they'll pick the best sperm and actually shoot it in there. Sounds fine, but originally doctor said he would have preferred "natural". Well hell ain't nothing natural so far. And OF COURSE the ICSI isn't included in the $10,200 stuff. Yah! What's another two grand?
Sarcasm. Sarcasm. Sarcasm. Yes, that's a defense mechanism folks. That's how it works, I need to crack jokes, be a bit bitchy and only cry when I watch Grey's Anatomy or in the car.
The other day I told hubby how I cried. He responded, "Whatever happens, will happen." Decent response I suppose. It's not like I expect him to say anything too profound. But recovering alcoholic Latino machismo men be damned for their inability to share more feelings or have empathy! Grrr. And of course, damn the Asian silent woman who'd rather criticize than say I statements. That's marriage and infertility for you.
Well at least there's my pregnant single girlfriend. She's been a godsend. Ironic that the biggest support comes from the woman that got pregnant while drunk from a one night stand in another country. And that's life. Of f*ck, I sound like a b*tch. At the end of the day, I have to remind myself how blessed I am. No pity party here. Who the f*ck am I? Here I go with an investment committee to try and help me have a baby and people can't even pay their mortgage.
I should be working now before the appointment, but you know, I'm a grown up, trying to do the mature thing and get my feelings out. I don't want to regress into the bottled up bullsh*t that ends up eating away at me and leaves me smacking my own face in fits of anger.
So let's focus and get that vision boarding thing to happen.
I will get pregnant and it will be a safe and healthy process. I will produce a healthy baby (or babies because well that's a possibility with IVF) and have a safe delivery. There I said it. Put out into the universe positive things and be direct. This IVF stuff will assist in this process and it will be a safe process. My husband and me will continue to have a positive and continually improved relationship through this process and after.
Have a wonderful day!
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