It's Real

So I just ran to the bathroom, tears streaming down my face.

I don't know what came over me, actually I do.

It's real now.

I just came from out of the office after giving myself a horomone shot. I felt so alone. And now I am just terrified.

We'd been talking about this for so long and then suddenly we are here, about to enter IVF and I am so scared of disappointment. Oh God, can this please work for us? I act so nonchalant about it but I have to be as the good Dr. throws things in my vagina and talks about all the drugs.

The investment committee - what I lovingly call our parents have each given us $5k. So we've got this budget of $15 k right now. Already $10k has been charged on the cards to the good Dr. And then we went to the pharmacy and put on $2k worth of drugs. I have two thousand dollars worth of drugs in our refrigerator and our office. Jesus Christ.

I went online and looked up IVF. At my age, live birth from IVF, just 25%. Crazy, right?

Is this really happening? It is. Before Italy - yes we went to Italy - it seemed like it was meandering, but then we get back, I make an appointment and it happens to be on the third day of my menses and it's all systems go. It's great. I wanted it, but it doesn't make it any less scary.

As early as next week they will be putting a needle in my vagina to extract an egg. Bizarre. And I had to sign nearly 30 sheets of paperwork saying I acknowledge that things can go wrong. What happened to ignorance as bliss?

I haven't let hubby see me take the shots. Partly because he hates needles but mostly because I've read how husbands and wives begin to see themselves - just as objects. I don't want him to see me that way, I still want him to see me sexually, not just this science experiment, but that runs a risk of me feeling alone and maybe him feeling disconnected from the process.

On Christmas morning, he got the card out from the stocking hung on the fireplace at his parents' house. His face looked so surprised. I walked over and saw th $5k amount. I said to him it had to be about the baby making. A month or so before, we had asked his mom and my mom about gettigng their financial support. And that check, well that was the deciding factor. I pulled his mom to the side and asked, are you sure? You realize there are no guarantees and she said yes.

I told our mothers that again when they sat in the good Drs office with us to get more information about the IVF process. They said they understood. I suppose we all understand it, but what will it feel like when I do or do not get pregnant?

And we have told no one other than them. Well of course I've mentioned it to K, but she's been out out of town so she hasn't heard the latest. Ugh, and of course I've called Ate and N, but no answer. Thank God for blogs.

So I am crying. I'm just crying. I am scared.

Uh thank God. Just talked to my ate and was able to vent.