In Other News

In other news...

The hubby went to see the therapist. Said it was good for him.

So we get to talking, well actually - one liners from him of course. And one of his one liners is: I just have to tell you that trying to keep my sobriety is first and foremost before us.

Damaging. Truthful but damaging to me. So what next? What next?

I bring it up tonight and say, "Do you mean, it just comes first and you just can't spend time on us or do you mean we might end up separating/divorce?" Again, he says I don't know.

I'm at a loss.

I feel so bad for him. I feel so blah for myself. He tells me just because he's not suicidal doesn't mean he's not depressed.

What do I do with that? I must remind myself that I am not alone. Al Anon is what I need to do to remind myself that I am not alone.

And Now?

So it's just been two weeks since I found out. And now?

Wow, how do I write it all down?

Well he's finally changed his hotmail password. Ha. Guess that means that now there really is something to hide.

I don't know. I'm being sarcastic and it's because I still have anger.

But at the same time, there have been some really good days and some really bad days.

Today I feel blah. I feel annoyed and angry that he changed his password. I suppose, that yes, of course good reason but I hate it. I hate him sometimes. But not really him. It's about me hating myself.

So what has happened?

That first week of me finding out? Well we had just gotten our new puppy a few days prior and that next weekend he went away for a softball trip. Nice, huh? Who knows what he did on that trip? Was there softball - yes of course, but maybe the spoke to each other? I guess I'll never know.

What else happened. He emailed her from his work email that it was all a mistake, that he chooses me, that she should never contact him. That was good. Certainly.

We've had sex. Yah that continues. We have an appointment though to have a Dr. take our blood. I have to check, you never know.

Hell and Back, Twice?

Is it possible to go to hell and back twice?   Yes.

I sit here sighing, just kicking myself that I was going to write a somewhat funny post a few weeks/months ago, but today, it's not a good one.

I thought my husband leaving me and admitting he was an alcoholic was my hell and back and that was that.  

But his returning home and feeling good about how it's been going - only then to discover he slept with a woman from his work that he considers a "good" friend?  That is hell all over again.

It hurts like hell.  It's tiring as hell and yet I knew.  I had an instinct.  I felt it.  And luckily (?) someone let me know on myspace that he was having an affair.  And actually gave me a name. Maybe I should put her name on here so that if you google it, everyone will know that she participated in having an emotional and physical relationship with a person she knew had a wife.  Do I blame her?  To an extent.  Absolutely.  If she was his "good" friend as he described, she still should have kept a distance.  But ultimately it's my husband's doing.  He knowingly and willingly crossed the line.

He told me they were drunk.  I don't think that matters.  For them to get to that point where they were drunk and in that position in the first place?  That means there was an attraction and an intimacy in the first place.

He's a man.  To even have him reveal that?  Jesus.  First he said they just "made out".  I didn't equate that to sex.  But eventually that reality became my reality.  And to imagine? I asked him if it was unprotected sex.  He said no, but the condom broke.  Can you FUC*ING believe that? Here I have a blog about getting pregnant and it's the TWO OF THEM THAT COULD HAVE HAD A CHILD???  And on top of that?  Jesus christ, she's beautiful, 28 and dating and if she's willing to have sex with a married man?  Well then that means she has no problem sleeping with others?  SO HELLO TO A POSSIBLE DISEASE?  Now I need to get checked for stds and HIV!  And he does too...

When did I, a woman of color, with a bachelor's and graduate degree and a good job BECOME A FUC*ING CLICHE?  The 30s are described as amazing and I have started them with just such a dismal affair.  Pardon the pun.

Who is this man?  And what has become of him?  What has become of me?

And I'm obsessive.  Everyday I will google her name until I meet her.  I won't stop.  I want to call her and ask her the questions.  I have a feeling she'd be more forthcoming and honest because she has nothing to lose.  She has no husband or boyfriend. I want to ask her if they had sex more than once. I want to ask her how much she loves him.  I want to ask her how much she believes he loves her.  Only then I believe I will be satisfied and a little more at peace.

It's so bizarre.  I know my husband was a whore before I met him.  I knew of the people he slept with and have even met some of them, but that was NEVER an issue for me.  But this one?  How will he and I ever have sex again and I not think about HER?  How about him?  He must have thought about her while with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He said they had sex approximately 3 months ago.  And he started AA on August 29.  And we had just got back from our baseball vacation.  So basically we go on this trip, he fucks her and then goes to AA and then comes back to me by October.  Supposedly they stopped talk after the "scare".  But they're friends again apparently.  They FUC*ING work together.  

He says he chooses me.  And I do believe him.  Is that sad?  Is that righteous?  Is that pathetic?  I don't know.  I will only feel settled when I talk to her.  I don't know why, but then I would be able to tell.  I know him.  If I meet her, then I feel like I'll know if it's really over.  If I can see they way that he looks at her or if he protects her then I'll know.