Trying to get pregnant. Trying to make the marriage work.
The latter is going ok. Depends on the day. Some days amazing, some days hard. Hubby and I - yes we are still married, leave for Italy next week. 10 years of marriage, a year a part, another woman and now we go to Italy.
Hubby is still sober. Three years this past August.
We are still not pregnant. And it's not for lack of trying. More visits to doctor. But this time, hubby doesn't seem as excited. Valid points - money of course. How do we go to Italy and be worried about spending money on trying? Well the Italy trip was saved up for. The baby thing I suppose we could certainly wait, but then again, I'm only getting older. So talked to his mom about helping. She said she would. Told her we could try an FDA approved study where'd they'd give us up to $4k to take pictures of the embryo. She said, find out what kind of light they are using. Damn. Now I'm scared to do it.
You know, I'm 35. I f*cking hate my 30s. They've been miserable. I'm waiting for them to get better. But again, depends on the day.
I think I'm buggin because I have so many things I want to say to him, like...
Why are you hesitant about spending money on a baby, when just a couple of years ago we were separated, not even divorced, you were paying for another place to live, paying for this mortgage, dating that other woman and her thinking she was pregnant. You didn't seem to mind then. Oh well, I suppose he's responsible now.
I sound so angry, when most times I'm not. I am on my period, which of course reaffirms the pregnancy test taken at the doctor's office the day before I started my period, that I wasn't pregnant. Just a long week I suppose and I just want to cry. I think mostly because I'm tired. And work is work of course.
But again, it stems back to things we just never talked about. And maybe were aren't supposed to. I mean what's the point. We made choices to be together and to do that, means you have to have full acceptance. So then I don't bring up anything because that's bringing up old sh*t, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't linger in my mind, everything just everything.
