I Think I'm Okay...

I think I'm okay and then...and then it hits me - the tears. They flow without the regard of the fact that I'm completely visible in my car along the PCH where drivers passing by can easily see me. I can't control the pain that emits from my throat - choking on my what little confidence I have left inside.

Come back to me. Just come home please. If you want, I'll forget all that happened if you want...but you don't even want - me. I'm not worth it to you - your life or your priority...

I was told by a mutual friend to communicate, communicate, communicate. But how do I communicate with someone who in couples therapy says, "I don't know"? And then this week? No couples therapy - your choice. But then in i.m., you invite me to a baseball game. And it brings me great hope and then it hits me the tears - all my fears realized in the idea that it is a mirage and that I can't grasp onto what appears for it can shatter so easily.

You aren't home. I don't sleep in our bed. Instead I sleep in another bed alone without you by my side. All this time I feared that you'd die the same age as my father. Instead I lost you at an even earlier age - you are 31 and he was 36. And while as a child I may have thought his dying was my fault I got over it. But this? You leaving? Why would I NOT think it was my fault? I wasn't enough...I'm not enough. And the Dr. says for me not to think that way - that you've got your issues, but Jesus everyone has issues and other men don't leave. You didn't even leave FOR another woman - you just left me.

It just hurts. How do I continue to tolerate this limbo? How will I keep from getting angry or completely depressed. In just a few weeks, the big event will be over and I won't be distracted in the same way. In fact, I may even become more sad for all my ups and downs over such a big event won't even be shared with you.

I sound so pathetic, but that's what I'm feeling right now.