And tonight we had dinner together and even though I was tremendously happy to see him, during dinner I actually started to tear up. I couldn't help myself. And then after dinner we went to our separate cars and I was bawling so hard in my car.
I want so badly for everything to work out and yet, my anxiety kicks in and then my tears do too. And it doesn't help that I got my period today.
I want to give up. I hit myself today in the face. It had been a while but I wanted to "snap out of it". Right now, I feel like I have been so patient and supportive and now I'm terrified that I'm about to take a turn into total depression or complete resentment and I don't want either feeling.
I want him to put me out of my misery.
In the meantime it has been suggested that he take some anti depressant medication...which of course I worry about because he drinks and smokes so all together? What could happen with that type of concoction. Hell, when I took my mom's sleeping pill when I felt horrible the night or two after he told me I had the worst possible dreams.
What am I saying or talking about?
I am so f*cked in the head right now. I just hate myself - hate the way I look, the way I feel, how I am just such a pathetic disgusting pig waiting around for my heart to be broken even more. I can't make my own husband happy. Instead I make him miserable....
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