I Don't Want to Celebrate

I saw my cousins this weekend. It was good. I love them. They are good people.

We talked about birthdays. I want to take my cousin and then my cousin in law out. They said that my birthday is first so they want to take me out.

I don't want to.

I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I want it to slip by me quietly as I am in mourning. My birthday comes just 5 days after what would be my seventh wedding anniversary. That too I want to go by quietly because inside I'll be screaming.

How can I celebrate my life when I don't feel completely alive? It will be the first in 10 years that I haven't celebrated with my husband in one form or another.

I just don't want to celebrate my birthday right now. Next year, I'll be back in full form, I promise - but this year, let me be. Let me NOT be the center of attention in which at the age of turning 32 I lose my husband and feel like such a failure.