Divorce

There. I wrote it.

Divorce.

Two evenings ago, with some prodding from me to have him talk to me instead of just focusing on the dog, he climbed up on the bed (again, because I asked him to) and proceeded to tell me that he fell out of love with me a long time ago and being sober doesn't help anything and that he wants a divorce.

Did you hear it? Did you hear my heart break for the third time? It's damaging. It's tiring. It's disappointing.

Of course tears. Expect any less?

There was no yelling. Thank God. But even though I "accepted" it, I told him why I had a hard time with it:
1) How come me? It doesn't appear that he is in love with anything right now - why me in that category and I get the short end of the stick?
2) He's barely started AA and the few but important visits I've had with the open AA meetings and the Al Anon meetings says his feelings are classic and that no sudden changes should take place.

There was quite bit of discussion, some including things to the effect of, "Didn't I have a clue?" and "You know you're not happy too" kind of lines. WTF? Sure I've been unhappy, but I'm in it, was in it, for the long haul - I wanted to give space and time for him for his recovery and collect himself at work. How could he not see that?

I am so tired just writing this, but I need to otherwise more episodes of my just breaking down will happen.

In just one day of hearing the news, I quit my job. How could I possibly function as a director when my f*cking heart got ripped out? So I've been home now for the last few days. And I've rented bins to begin to just throw out sh*t. And of course, I come across our wedding pictures, the congrats on your wedding cards and various turtle/rabbit paraphernalia we've collected over the years. Thank God my mom was out for an hour when I lost it. How could this have happened? Why did he turn on me? Why doesn't he want to wait at least a year to see where his feelings go? Why can't we face this together as a team? Because he doesn't want it. He doesn't even call, text or email me. We barely speak. He keeps his distance from me. You know my dog died last Friday evening and the next day no call to home - nothing. Instead by the time he came home I was so sad, disappointed and angry we ended up in our big blowout.

Oh yes, that too. He says because of our big blowout, he felt suicidal again and because of that - it was the last straw - that was his marker to leaving. So it's confusing.

Yesterday I saw the Dr.

He isn't wearing his ring again, by the way. I wonder if he did that before or just after telling me he was going to divorce me.

Oh and today a check came for 10k. How bizarre. I open all the mail - he knows that. Why in the world is he taking out 10k now?

Why is he hiding stuff from me if he's just divorcing me anyway? Even with all the hurt and pain he has caused me he continues to hide, distance himself and just omit information.

I feel such a tremendous loss. I want so desperately to have my best friend back. I need my husband by my side and he has rejected me.

I am hurt.