Alone

He says he feels alone even though he's got friends and family. Me too.

So why aren't we together I think in my mind.

But the sad thing is, I know it's really over. It isn't for me, but it is for him. I mean - it's me who calls, texts or emails first. He hasn't made the first move in - I don't even know how long. He is at the end of the process in terms of letting go.

And I think to some extent, I'm barely getting out of the denial stage.

It's depressing and I'm terrified. I'm terrified to get back to whatever is supposed to be "normal" when none of it is normal. I'm terrified of truly losing him forever. But I guess it doesn't matter. What does it matter what I feel?

You know he gave me a laptop for Christmas. Can you believe it? Probably spent a fortune on a laptop which I'm using at this very minute but would trade in a heartbeat to have him, to have us back.

What now? I suppose I take his offer - to give up his share or opportunity of a share and his five to eight hundred dollars a month. I'm going to need it. Melanie says I should take it without guilt. In fact she thinks it may be too little, especially since major decisions were made as a couple. Like the house - even buying the house, she recalls me hesitating getting into a house that we may not be able to afford, but his insistence that we get it, needed it, that he needed more room, that we needed more space. Never in my wildest dreams, did I realize the house would eventually become my responsibility. Jesus Christ - it's terrifying. I risked so much for love. And my mom risked so much for her daughter and in the hubby - someone she considered a son. And now what? I'm left with photos and memories that may haunt me for such a long time.

And of course I'm left holding the bag - trying to figure out the next moves. I suppose we've got a plan, but in this economy, the plan is on a shaky foundation. What if I lose it all? The husband. And then my mom and then the house. What if I lose my mind? My capabilities. My strength. How do I gain it back?

I keep on asking out loud, why me? Why is this happening to me? It can't be about punishment can it? Or is it about testing me? Haven't I been tested enough?

Really, what is my purpose in life here? I can't even keep my husband! How in the world will I hold down my job (I'm a wreck)? How in the world will I move on? I try and force myself to look at other men to force myself to think of possibilities and it doesn't happen. I don't see how it can happen. Instead I fantasize that the hubby will change his mind or in a dramatic turn of events when the paperwork is finalized he won't sign. But that is just a fantasy. How can he fall back in love with me when he barely looks at me, doesn't want to engage with me - when I'm not his first call in the morning or his last good night?

It will be hard to see him renew his life. He's so on track with AA and I am so proud, but I'm jealous. I'm jealous that the next girl, next wife will benefit from his being sober and continued therapy. In the time we'll be apart he'll have hopefully made major breakthroughs, but someone else will get that benefit instead of us as a couple against the world together. So already, I mourn for what could have been. I see it all play out - the guy always moves on much quicker and he, he will be ready to dive in and do his best not to f*ck it up. Hell, he'll probably pull a "Kenny" - that's his cousin, who within a year of divorce, got a new girl, knocked her up and is now a family man with a son and no responsbility of actually marrying the girl. Nice, right?

And so now I must continue on with being responsible. Even though he wants the divorce, I still have to fill out paperwork. I still have to figure out next steps not just for myself but for my mom as well. I still have to take care of the house, pay bills, figure out how to work with a realtor and/or property manager, and still find the time to take care of myself. And of course - work. He too must do those things in a way, BUT at least he MADE the choice to leave so there is strength and conviction in that. But me? This will be the 2nd time I was left. The first in February when he moved out and now as he chooses to divorce me.

One of our most recent heated discussions I said to him, "Lucky you. You chose the right girl to leave because you know I'd handle things..." It was probably one of my most angered moments. But it's the truth. Any other woman would have done so much more, said so much more, yelled so much more, bad mouthed so much more - but me? I...I just take it and move on - as best as I can. It's not about being a martyr. I think it's either one or two or a combination of my being exhausted and just hating myself.