It's kind of like trying to make myself suffer.
My mom is now at my aunt's house. And my cousin left this afternoon. And hubby is on his way back from the Oakland Raider game. Of course he's not coming to this house but his parents.
But starting tomorrow he will be back at this house and I will be at my aunt's.
What the hell am I doing?
I am feeling so many mixed emotions right now. I wish on everything that he would just be my husband again, but that is just so far off and next to impossible.
Late last week while looking for some kind of book for the soon to be ex hubby I found a book on male depression. It is extremely fascinating and enlightening. I feel like the case studies meld into one form or another of what the hubby must be going through. I feel like if he could work on it some more, perhaps there would be hope for us, but I don't know. Well actually I know. He is hard fast on a divorce with me.
My heart is truly broken here. And my spirit, my spirit is just at such a loss.
You'd think after this weekend that everything was fine. With my cousin on hand, we got a ton of things ready for a yard sale to be, but inside I was just ripping apart, checking my phone so often just to see if he'd think about calling or texting me. I hate text by the way - it's so cold and so misinterpreted and is such a way to avoid actually talking. But if I call him and he doesn't call back, for some reason I feel more rejected than if he just doesn't text back.
What else? What else? I should write and write and write so I can get it out of me.
So much to do...
1) Finish book
2) Write him a personal note
3) Write him my typical day with the dog
4) Pack my toiletries, shoes and extra blankets
5) Vacuum
6) Take dog stool sample and drop off at the vet
7) Wrap last of the gifts
More? Hope I remember...
No comments:
Post a Comment