So Confused

I took a sick day today.  Because well, I was coughing like hell last night.  But more importantly, my head is sick.

So I began to clean the bathroom.

Upon doing so, going through the magazine rack, I found some documentation from hubby's retirement account from work with a request to get a loan for $15k for a residence.  Huh?  The request was made in July.   Weird right?  Was that around the time he was going to help his brother move?  Or uh?  But that's weird because he told me his parents just wanted to help with the monthly payment not the down payment.

So what does that mean?  What other secrets is my hubby keeping from me?  I'm doing my best to stick to what Al Anon tells me - lay off, keep clear, don't get obsessed.  But are hints and things from a greater power also telling me something?  What is going on?

I'm at such a loss.

In the meantime, I looked at the videos I made for hubby on the mac.  Wow...so much time has passed.  It seems like so long ago.  Yes he is different.  He doesn't have that same shine.  I don't know if it's so much about me as it is in himself.  He says he's not in love with me, but I think it's bigger than that.  He's not in love with life in general...at least that's the observation I'm making, but somehow he's boxed that into focusing that that loss of loving life is because of me.

But who knows?  Maybe I'm making excuses.  I'm trying not to obsess.

Can you believe yesterday and today I haven't contacted him?  Yah.  No texts no calls other than the call I made on my way home to the house last night.

I'm just scared though.  I feel like he's going to drop a bomb on me.  While he may have hinted at divorcing and there are weird clues suggesting it, when I've asked him to talk to me about it - nothing.

And then the other night when I told him, let's give it some time before we make any rash decisions he told me, "I'm not doing anything right now until the 1st of the year, don't want to put the family through all kinds of things.  And I have to talk to Dr. F anyway."  So does that mean there's hope or does that mean he's getting everything ready to leave me?  Preparing divorce papers to finding a new home.  Maybe he did get the job offer?

I'm so in the dark, but Al Anon says to worry about today.  

So today, I clean the bathroom.