His Email, Then Mine

My dearest (NAME)...

Thank you for writing me. I am so glad you took the time to writedown your journey of feelings and actions. In the last year, it'scome out in bits and pieces, but to have it as a whole is soimportant. I hope it is one step in your journey for recovery of self.

I keep reading it over and over and over again, wondering what to say,because there is so much I want to comment on, try and "fix" oraddress. But I won't do that for every part of this here or now - ifyou want to know how I feel, I imagine you'll ask me. This reallysounds like the email you sent me was one for you to just vent and to share.

I do want to say that you aren't alone. All this time, whether youbelieve it or not, I have been there on this journey of ups and downs,with my own inner turmoil. From wanting my mom out of the house, tomy own suicidal feelings to the absolute utter disappointment that Iwasn't getting pregnant (and more devastating because I felt so muchlike I was letting you down), I was there beside you. I'm just sorrythat we never allowed our painful paths to cross so that we could facethem together.

You wrote, "I know that I need to be independent, alone and relearnwho I am and find the core man that she fell in love with. The manthat loved himself and who he is." That is incredibly profound and Iknow that doesn't guarantee for me that even if you do "return" tothat, that you would choose to return to me - which is hard to accept. But I have to let you know, that I didn't just love you for your"core" of who you were. This sad, vulnerable side is a huge part ofwho you are as well - and that part I love and support as well. Youare a whole person that I adore, admire and care so deeply about.Never did I expect you to return to a certain type of person, but toevolve as your own person and for us to evolve together.

I love you, miss you and care about you deeply. I am so relieved andhappy that you have chosen life.

Again, let me reiterate that I am absolutely here for you. Just onecall, email or text away - I'm there.

I am your friend.

I am forever your wife, regardless of a piece of paper...

With love and deep affection,
NAME

On 1/2/09, (NAME) wrote:

I've been meaning to write this down for a while now.

I guess i wanted to share with you. As you know this is difficult for me to do so here goes.

MY FEELINGS...

I can't believe this is happening...I thought that I would be with (NAME) forever! She is a great person and a extraordinary wife. Why am I so unhappy then?

Well, our marriage was not typical living with a roommate above all my mother in law has been hard. Not that I don't love her...just that it changes the dynamic of the relationship. I can see it in my wife torn on weather she should be selfish and hang out with me or hang out with her mom...juggling the two relationships the best she can. If she spends more time with me then her mom is hurt feels alone and depressed. I was good with the fact that she would spend time with her mom I never spoke up and asked that she spend more time with me or care for and about me more than her mom. I was not handicapped I was not home all day with little to no interaction to other human beings. I always thought that it would be good to have that extra support when we had a child.

I remember being so excited to have a baby I wanted to start almost right away. We waited for us to finish school then you got your dream job with the foundation. We decided to wait until you were there long enough to get your benefits. When we started trying I guess i thought it would happen right away. I thought that we would have a family 3 years ago. Every month became a disappointment for me. It seemed that everyone else was getting pregnant and having babies but yet we were not getting as lucky. Here we were financially able to take care of a child and people less fortunate than us we getting the opportunity that God was not giving us. I started to get depressed trying to find ways to take care of it on my own not going to see a doctor. After all what did I have to be depressed about. I had everything i wanted but a baby.

I started to go to the gym, tried to run marathons, dove head first into work...it was just crazy...I felt like I was going crazy. Yet I did not really talk to my wife about it because if I was feeling this way I could only imagine how she was feeling.

It got to a point were I was so unhappy with myself, work and home that I saw no other way out...but to end my life. I had it all planned out...take my bike out for a ride, ride off a cliff make it look like an accident. That way Kristin and her mom can get the life insurance money and I would not have to deal with the pain. After I scared the shit out of myself thinking this way I tried to talk to my wife about it. I guess I did not goabout it in the right way because it seemed that we ended up fighting instead of talking and supporting one another. I was traveling for work and on the day I had to leave I did not want to go back home there I stood in the airport trying to find a destination other than home. Other than my reality. I then did not think that would be fair to my wife and her mother. I must kill myself! I came home and tried talking to my wife one more time...again it ended in a fight. I decided to go see a shrink first alone and then with (NAME).

After my convo with Dr. F. I decided that I need to do some major work on myself. Here I was living for everyone else but myself. I did not want to be alive nor deal with anything or anyone but I only did so because I felt guilty. When I moved out I got so depressed that I started to drink very heavy. After all no one was there to tell me not> to, to fight with me about drinking or watching TV too late...all the stuff my wife would ground me with. I was free...I had to work on myself find myself again live for myself not for others. I became so co-dependant on my wife I lost myself. I drank every night until I passed out...that is how I dealt with my pain. When that did not work I start to burn myself with cigarettes and told people I was just drunk. I knew what I was doing. It made me feel alive and at the same time I was punishing myself for putting my family though so much pain.

Everyone told me to have my mother in law move out. My wife even mentioned the possibility. When it came down to it the problem was in my head not with her. Plus, I would never ask my wife to do that. I married her knowing the situation, therefore, I could not back out of that responsibility. Plus, there was still issues with our communication and the baby. THE MAIN ISSUE WAS ME. I did not love myself and I had to work on that. Being selfish doing things for me and not for other people. I had never done that before thus it was going to be hard. I could tell my wife did not life it...I hurt her on many occasions.

The last straw was waking up in bed with someone I considered a friend. I don't remember how I got in bed with her or what made me do that...the unthinkable. Maybe it was the alcohol...maybe it would work if I stopped drinking. Perhaps then I would stop trying to sabotage my marriage. Therefore, I set out to stop drinking. I knew a few people in AA and spoke to them about it. Went to a few meeting and thought to myself that I can do this. A few simple rules to live by and remain sober.

I worked the program for about a month and decided to move back home and be with my family. At first everything was going well then I started to feel a little constrained. My mother in law was still in the picture and now acted very weird toward me. Locking herself up in the her bedroom like she was shunned. I felt bad that she> felt the need to live that way. However, I understand that there is nothing I can do about it. Then my wife found out about my infidelity. This house of card we had built came tumbling down. I got really depressed and did not no what to do. My pain killer was not there for me anymore because it did more damage than good. Again I jumped into work and AA to try and stay away from my wife as the guilt of being with her was killing me.

I thought about killing myself again. The dog...the damn dog probably saved my life. We have this dog that kind of gave me a snapshot on how it would be raising a child in our house. Mother in law, (NAME) and then what (NAME) wanted for the dog. This dog loved me unconditionally. All I have to do is walk him, feed him and pet him and he is all good. He does not care about anything else. If I am gone will he miss me? I guess I would really miss him! So i will stick around for the dog.

I completely hate the person I have become I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I will be without my wife. I know that I will never love> another women like I have loved her. It's not possible. I know that I need to be independent, alone and relearn who I am and find the core man that she fell in love with. The man that loved himself and who he is. That would walk straight and tall, have people want to be like him. That is the man that I need to learn to be again. Not only for myself but for all those that love me.