And So Today

And so today, I read and reread his email to me.

I look at what I wrote and I feel like it was as supportive of a response as it could be. But on one level, I am just so angry and hurt. His email is what I needed to read but I wanted to scream at the screen and say THEN LET'S CHANGE WHAT HAS BEEN AFFECTING YOU! Only now it all comes out but we never really truly tried to change some of the things.

Like living with my mom. When he moved back in he never actually ASKED for us to try and live without my mom. And with having a baby, WE FINALLY saw the fertility specialist but it's like he didn't want to actually go through with it and take the next steps. And AA - it actually says try not to do anything too dramatic in your first year - and he up and asks me for a divorce. WTF??? He does say in the email that it is about him, but all the examples he shares relate back to me but he doesn't ever really take responsbility of his own actions or inactions in some of these situations. Again, with living with my mom - HE NEVER came up with a compromise or suggestion - never pulled my mom aside to ask her how she could be part of a solution - never approached me to say, we've got to try this. And with babymaking, he doesn't acknowledge that after the meeting the fertility specialist he basically gave up.

Then he talks about the dog loving him unconditionally. That hurts, that really hurts.

I have loved him and CONTINUE to love him unconditionally. He hadn't even graduated college when we met. He still had to finish. He started law school and never finished. He started a sales job that took him away for hours on end - nights were spent with M and J, late night dinners and happy hours. When he gained a ton of weight to losing it all again I was there by his side loving him unconditionally. When he wanted a motorcycle, I bought him the class to learn how to ride. When he wanted to cook, my own mother got him a gift certificate for a cooking class. When he drank like crazy, I loved him unconditionally. When he played softball a few nights or weeks or would head to weekend tournaments I loved him unconditionally. When he had to travel for work I loved him unconditionally. When he LEFT me in February I loved him unconditionally. When he F*CKED some other chick and actually tried to lie about it, I loved him unconditionally. When he started AA and was gone several nights of the week, sometimes until 11 pm, I loved him unconditionally. As he moves out of the house and asks me for a divorce, I LOVE him unconditionally. But it sucks. I bear the burden of all that has gone wrong in his life it seems. He says he feels guilty - as if I am the guilt.

So I am angry. I am angry that his lack of expressing what he wanted and considering compromise led him to a place of dissatisfaction with our relationship. How can I be a supportive wife, lover and friend if he didn't actually share what he needed. Even when he revealed on two occasions that he was suicidal, he never actually said what he wanted or needed. The only thing I knew to tell him was to see a therapist. And he did and he also, with my revealing at one of our sessions that I felt he was an alcoholic - eventually went to AA. Wasn't that support?

It's just f*cking depressing and sick. And I just hate myself that it has come to this. I NEVER imagined that this is where it would be! I came home early - last night. And now I live in my mom's old room and my mom lives in the master bedroom that hubby and I once shared. And it's amazing, he did that for me - changed out the rooms, bought me this laptop and docking station, all this stuff, but that's not what I want. I WANT US TO BE MARRIED. I WANT US TO BE TOGETHER. I WANT US TO FACE THIS AS A TEAM. I hate that he feels like he was alone all this time. Jesus Christ.

And I have to write because frankly, I'm going stir crazy.

I start work back up again tomorrow. I'm terrified. How do I resume normalcy when I am so cracked up inside?