I Sent Him

I sent him a long email. See below.

He hasn't responded. I'm not surprised because I took the wuss way out. I made sure to send it to him last night, while he was at AA and to his hotmail account. Right before I had sent it, T had called me to let me know she found a roommate for us. I almost hesitated, but I'm glad I didn't because who knows what can happen? Me and my mom need the money now for a just in case type of situation. What if he doesn't come back to me? What if he doesn't want me? He left me once. And then he asked for a divorce. Those are some pretty clear signs right? So the whole thing is bizarre.

I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. What time again? And did you want me to pick up a sandwich for you too?

I was thinking about the other night and for me, the reason why it was awkward, was because I was waiting to hear something - anything from you. You have to know that I love you and want to STAY married to you, but I have no idea where you are at. And I think I need to know something, anything. You've told me you loved me, but you haven't really said what you wanted or needed or expected of me.

I absolutely believe in some baby steps, but I'm scared. So I'm going to operate under the idea that we are separated. I'm probably still going to find a renter, because honestly, I just need to cover my butt in terms of bills. I know you said you'd help and I believe you and believe me I will still ask and need you for that help, because every dollar will help right now.

All that being said, I think it's important that you know where I'm coming from and what I'm hoping from this. And, what I write from this point IS NEGOTIABLE and I'M WILLING TO COMPROMISE, BUT I need to read/hear what your expectations are too. Not just reactionary to what I may write down, but any ideas or thoughts you come up with that may not even have to do with what I put down.

So here it goes.

I need, want and deserve a husband who loves me, cares for me, makes time for me, is honest with me, respects me and includes me. And you deserve a wife that loves you, cares for you, makes time for you, is honest with you, respects you and includes you.

If you come back into my life, I'd really like us to take a look at a few things:

MAKING TIME TOGETHER:
1) You have AA Sun, Mon, Wed and Fri.
2) You work on Saturdays
3) When softball starts you will play Tues, Thurs and then go away for weekend tourneys4) At times I may work evenings or an occasional weekend.When I think about that above schedule, I want to know where it is that you will make time for me. What will you adjust to ensure that we can have quality time together? I have my own ideas, but I'd rather us come up with a solution together. And it doesn't always have to involve spending money - that's never been the point. I ENJOY YOUR COMPANY, INSIGHT AND PRESENCE, but it would be nice if we did activites together (biking, walking, checking out a free museum, hanging out with the dog outdoors).

AA:
1) I want you to engage me in any way you can that you feel comfortable with. I think it is so important for you to know that I can be a part of the solution and support - not just the enemy.

With that, maybe I do go to at least one of the four meetings you go to, especially since your schedule may be tight (this has nothing to do about not trusting you - it has everything to do with me wanting to spend time with you, if AA is going to be such a large part of your life). And of course, I will promise to go to Al-Anon meetings to learn the best tools to make the situation work for you, but most of all for myself. And I want you to know that I know that a lot of our relationship had dates/outings that had to do with alcohol - and I'm okay with it not involving alcohol. I would look forward to the new adventures we could discover together that didn't have to have that element. Your not drinking doesn't hurt my ability to have a good time or make me love you any less.

THE PAST:
1) I am willing to forgive and forget your indiscretion if you can drop the hurtful things I may have said to you in the past and can be honest and open with me from this point on. Withholding information will not work anymore. If you want to be together again, at that point, we can choose and say out loud together that we want to wipe the slate clean and start anew.

A BABY:
1) I do want to have a child. I don't know how or when, but it is something that is important to me. Maybe you have changed your mind, I'm not sure. I know you aren't in the right space or place to even cross that bridge, but I think it is important for you to know that it does have some meaning for me. If it doesn't happen, it's not something I will resent you for though - I want you to know that. I married you and made a vow to you, through sickness and health.

MY MOM:
1) With everything that has happened, my mom has been an incredible support to me. So there's a part of me that just wants to make sure she's ok. But again, if we both come to the conclusion that we'd like to try some time just you and me, I'm not afraid to ask her WITH YOU to see if she can be separated from us for a little while and let's see where we can take it from there. YOU ARE MY HUSBAND. As a married couple, I recognize that you come before her.

WHAT I'M WILLING TO DO:
1) Be supportive of your participation and time in AA.
2) Willing to move to a new location for a new job - with at least 6 months notice and it's strategically smart for us to rent out or sell the house (there are certain times of the year that are better than others) AND that you have really come to a point where you are truly committed not just to me, but our relationship.
3) Support you if you just want to change jobs. After reviewing me and my mom's incomes, it can be done with supplmental income (with a renter and/or a second job). If you wanted to take a chance at a job that made less money and were willing to still have my mom in the house, we could MAKE it work - we'd just have to tighten up our britches. Or if you didn't want my mom living with us, I'd be willing to downscale.
4) I am willing to be patient as you address your depression as long as you continue to see Dr. F and Dr. H. But I would really expect that you open up more with Dr. F, not just about how you're feeling currently, but about all of your family dynamics and the relationship you had with your mom and dad as a pre teen and teen.
5) I would continue Al- Anon meetings.6) I would continue to see Dr. F on my own to work on my own self and my own faults.

WHAT I'M NOT WILLING TO DO:
I am not willing to be be disrespected or treated like a yo yo.

I am not expecting some miraculous answer after you read this but I am hoping you'll print it out, bring it to your next meeting with Dr. F and discuss your reactions and feelings about what I have written with him so you can formulate at some point how you should talk to me about it.

I am not willing to wait for an endless amount of time without some sort of direction from you.

I NEED TO HEAR where you're coming from. Your ideas, thoughts and feelings don't have to be fully formulated. I know that even with me writing this, this is NOT SET IN STONE, it's just my sentiments right now. Some of it will change as we approach this TOGETHER.

I will not stay in this relationship if this isn't what you want. I don't want to force you to be with me. I want you to want me.

If you choose to stay married to me, even though Dr. F says there are no guarantees, I'll want you to look me in the eye and be ready to say to me, "I will never leave you again." Sure it could change, but I'd want to hear it at least once and have you say it once.

So think about this. When we go to the dog park, again, I don't expect tons of reaction just yet. I know you have to think about it and process it, but please do email me or talk to me your OWN thoughts on things, NOT just what you react to this. If you tell me at least some of what your ideals or expectations are, it gives me something to work with.

Okay good night. I LOVE YOU.

This email is not meant to be another pressure. It's meant to be food for thought and some type of starting point for discussion. BABY STEPS are key, but we've got to move towards something - and I'd like that something to be RECONCILIATION. Let's decide (if you agree) to make a goal to make this marriage work or something damn close to it. I am praying, hoping and absolutely putting out the most positive vibes out there to have this work. You are a good man and I love you with all my heart. Hugs and kisses.