Almost New Year's

So it's almost New Year's.

Hard to believe.

I'm at my aunt's house in one of the guest bedrooms and tomorrow I'll be home again.

I've done it again - made an attempt to look like an ass. I texted him to ask if he'd like to watch Marley and Me while I'm in town. I just seek rejection don't I? Oh well.

So I'll be there until the 1st and hopefully he and I will get some paperwork out of the way (maybe he's already filled his out?) and move forward. We'll have to move back home. I can't possibly have my mom and I stay at my aunt's right now unless it's the real deal.

I've been looking up, "recovery after divorce" sites. I believe I'm still in the denial stage but with one foot into the depressed grieving stage. I'm getting more and more anxious - wondering what it will be like to return home, return to work and really live without my husband. This is going to be difficult.

I was reading this fiction book, "To My Ex-Husband" and it was so sad because she talks about how hard it was to lose her best friend. That's where I'm at. This loss of a friend, my confidant is devastating. To not pick up the phone on a lark and just talk to him about all the details of what's happening right now is insane. It feels so bizarre and just so out of sync for me. I imagine it will take a ton of time to get back some structure around my life. But I imagine he is at a much higher stage than me. I mean he has some structure, at the least with his AA meetings. I'm considering resuming those, definitely. If anything it gives me something to do - to keep from being idle with my thoughts.

I think once the divorce is final, I'll join Match.com or eharmony.com or something like that. To rebound, to feel wanted, to have some sort of diversion. But it's stupid. I absolutely can't imagine at this time and place or any future time and place that I'd want to be with anyone but him. I'm sure every slightly caught of guard divorced person says that and then gets over it, but me? I just can't imagine. I want so badly to stick it out, wait in the wings until this passes and he suddenly sees the light of wanting to be back with me. See? I'm in the denial phase.

Ugh.

Naked

There is my hand - naked. No ring. It feels weird. It feels wrong. But I guess it shouldn't. He hasn't been wearing his ring. And when he separated from me he didn't wear it then either.

So why is it so hard for me?

My hand doesn't just feel naked - my whole being. I am so alone and cold and vulnerable - just naked.

I don't want a divorce. Divorce was never an option for me - even if I may have thought about it or even agreed to it now - it's not what I want. But how do I fight for my marriage. How do I argue his statement of, "I want a divorce from you. I'm not in love with you and haven't been in a long time."?

I just rack my brain and beat myself up for all my missteps. And it hurts even more that this is not hard for him. He says it is but I think it's more that he doesn't like getting sh*t from family and friends for his decision - not about divorcing me. I mean he's not in love with me so why should he even care? If anything it must be a relief for him.

And now? Me? I'm just even more confused. I was set to move to my aunt's and know that I need to for a little while but I don't want to move at the same time. I don't f*cking know anymore. I'm at such a loss.