Waking Up Crying?

I don't recall that ever happening to me.  Sleeping and literally waking up crying.  

How did this blog go from On Getting Pregnant to Maybe Getting A Divorce?

My heart is breaking into a million little pieces.  And internally I just, I just don't know...

What if really he wants a divorce after this separation?  What are the rules of separation?  How does he get a "vacation" from me and things get fixed from this?  I don't understand it.  Of course I'll do what it takes to save the marriage and if this is included in how it might happen it's pretty damn scary cuz that means that to save it means that it could potentially be lost forever.

It's damaging in a sense though no matter which way you cut it.  What if I had gotten pregnant? Would he have separated from me then?  I guess he would have...

I just have to face the fact that he doesn't WANT to be here...with me.  You know he already knows the place he'll be staying.  With a single guy that drinks and drives.  Great, yup that's the environment that I would expect a great place for transformation.  But hey, at least he's heading out to Hawaii with a buddy of his.  That's his place though - loves Hawaii.  Hell, he might scout for houses - ditch the wife, finally ditch the job and make his exodus there.  

I suppose we were too young when we got married and got too much stuff too soon.  I don't know...

I don't want to share with friends anything but he has already shared.  Amazingly enough, no one's told him not to leave.  He must really be presenting it in such a way that me and my mom and this house are that toxic that he can't even address his own issues without having totally leaving us.  But that works.  My life has never been an easy one...when it has been I always knew it was to good to be true.  

I'll tell you though, this sure doesn't help the self esteem factor.  And to think, yesterday the CEO pulls me into the room to give me tips on really taking command of a room, believing in myself and portraying confidence.

Damn any remnant of that is shattered now.  I can't even keep a man. And as far as I know, I'm not even competing against another woman  I am just so damn awful by myself that the push was enough...there wasn't even a pull.