From Worse to Worse

I don't know what I've written before...it seems like time is passing by so quickly yet so slowly at the same time.  I'm getting the days mixed up, but he has definitely left the house.  

We are officially separated and the thoughts and emotions that have developed from within me about this are all over the place.  I feel him leaving the house is one of the worst decisions he has ever made, but perhaps he knows I'll always take him back.  Maybe that's really it.  

Perhaps he really wants to leave.  I'm not sure.  

There is so much speculation and I imagine it really is a bit of everything, but it's hard to distinguish what is the top priority in his life.  Obviously, work is the top - really.  If it wasn't - then he'd change what's happening at work versus what's happening at home.  So that's his number one commitment and I suppose it should be - it's the one thing he has the most control over and the one thing that provides the most immediate gratification - whether positive or negative.  There is always a reaction, a need, a comfort that is provided by his employees there - constantly, and that doesn't happen from me here all the time.  I can't.  Although he says our stresses are incomparable - there is a great deal on my plate.  I work, I commute, I'm a daughter, I'm a wife and now I'm here in this big house with my mother - failing in my marriage.

His cousin asked me last night, "If he does come back, will you be able to trust him?"

Of course.  What else would I have?  I have already experience so much in my 31 years of life that all I can have is my faith in my love and marriage with him.  Again, can I imagine years of marriage without a blip?  His separating from me - is that the worst point in my life?  Yes and no.  I lost my father at the age of eleven!  Then, I thought it was the worst.  Suicidal thoughts in my teen years were constant.  I was a latchkey kid - my mom was working 10-12 hour days.  I had to be responsible at such a young age.  My college years I think I enjoyed so much because it was what I believed to be the most "freeing" time.  I even graduated early to pursue adventure of travel or just being out there.  The adventure certainly came, but not one that I had imagined.  My mother had a stroke.  Next thing I knew, at 21, I was bathing her.  Was that the worst point in my life?  I thought so then, but I, actually she and I, we got through it.  

So meeting hubby was this beautiful, amazing part of my life.  What I thought could be the worst case scenario became amazing.  He was my rock, my everything - funny, attractive, stylish, talented.

So to come to this point?  I mean 7 years of marriage, I suppose things are going to change.  But I never would have expected this.