Dazed and Confused

I'm really walking around in a haze.  There are moments when I think, "I'm feeling better, really I am..."  And then in just moments that notion shatters within me so suddenly and with such depth that I feel like my breath has been stolen along with my heart.

I wonder if this is all a game - him just waiting for me to basically give up.  And believe me there are days when I just want to and say, "Fine, nevermind, let's not work on this at all."  But my heart of hearts denies that completely.

Perhaps though this wasn't meant to be.  Our friends just had their baby boy.  And an acquaintance of hubby - a former employee is having a baby boy.  But me?  Barren.  I mean the guy who just found out he was having a baby boy - within a year of his marriage he got so drunk and while away from his wife, at a party publicly fondled some other woman.  He and his wife? They are pregnant?  I don't get it?  Why them and not us?

Other pregnancies don't hurt me in a way where I'm not happy for them, just sad not even for myself, but for my husband.  My darling husband has wanted a child so long - even more than me and nothing.  I gave him nothing.  It just feels like we're getting punished even though I know we haven't done anything wrong.  But I don't know if that's really it.  If that's the whole story then maybe I would let go more easily, because then he can start his journey with someone else and have a child with another.  I imagine easily he could fall for someone else - especially if that person was the mother of his child.  He deserves it.  He is a good man.

What do I deserve?  I guess I have what I deserve.  It's not bad, but it is what it is.  I do have a good job and a good mother.  I have relatives and they are good people but they have slipped in and out of my life that it is easy to have them slip away from me again.  And friends - I know I have two very good friends, but they are leading such different lives - a family life with children.

I don't fit really anywhere or with anyone.  I thought I had the right fit with my husband, but if he doesn't see it that way, then I can't control that.  

So I cry again in front of the computer screen.  Will I ever stop crying?  I imagine so.  I did after my father died and I never thought I would.  I did after my mother had a stroke.  But this is a different kind of pain.  It hurts in such a different way.