If it wasn't so crazy at work, I'd call. I'm miserable. I think it's heading toward divorce. Yes it is a real option on the table. I can't change anything, do anything, except take control over my own life. Easier said than done. I'd call you too, but to be honest I'm tired. Extremely tired. I feel like shit. I feel like it's my fault and then I don't. I feel like I'm a failure. I feel ashamed. I feel worthless. I feel angry. I feel like screaming. I feel like crying - and I cry and I cry and I cry in my bed, in the shower, anywhere where no one can hear me. I'm so busy at work and it's good, but then it's not. Silently I cry at my desk, get a hold of myself and work on an event that's supposed to bring $555,000 in 8 weeks, telling myself that I won't go over the edge if I fail at that too. And I can't hate him. His silence or just "I don't know" in our sessions rips away at my heart and my soul. And this isn't about being co dependent or anything like that, but it's crazy - he's my partner who doesn't want to "deal" with this anymore. He doesn't even have to say anything, I can just fell it. He has no suggestions to real wants from me, just not sure. So he hasn't even thought to "solve" or "fix" the problem...so then what? I feel tremendously ashamed. Another fucking statistic. I thought I was in the clear once Dan and Matt got divorced. That's 50% of us that got married during that time, BUT OF COURSE the divorce rate is 60% and that's where it seems to be headed. Doc says how much time are you willing/want to give him to figure it out. My first instinct FOREVER...sounds so cheesy, so lame so weak, but that's what my instinct was. But of course, what's a more realistic time because it's torture this waiting this not knowing... i tell myself that i'm better than wallowing in a corner but god there are more moments when i want to do just that - be in the silence, darkness in my tears, but there is so much to do. i want to quit work, but i can't that's ridiculous - how will i survive if i don't work? why would i do that to myself? he can't take that away from me, but i am so tired, so tired, so scared. i can't take a possible setback at work but i'm in events and every event is one complaint from tipping me over. anyways, that's where im at right now. earlier today, i was okay, but at this moment. awful.
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