I Am Pathetic?

It's 9:21 pm on a Saturday night and I'm just crying.  Just crying and writing at the same time and wondering why can't I just call my husband?  Why isn't he here home with me tonight?  What the hell happened?  Why can't he just be here with me?  What is wrong with me?  What is wrong with him?  What is wrong with us?

How can it ever be the same?  Maybe it's not supposed to be, but then what?  How did it get this far?  What the hell am I on this earth for?  Really, what impact do I have?  I went with mom, cousin in law and her two daughter to the movies and the whole time I was just faking...wondering, screaming inside, wondering where my husband was.  I must have checked my phone a million times just hoping that he would have called or even the answering machine - some sort of hello. 

Why is this happening to me?  I don't get it.  I must have been a horrible person in a past life - really.  What if this is my life?  What does that mean.  I thought I got my crying under control, but I guess I didn't.