I Knew It

I knew it.  I knew that my marriage was at a crossroads.  Tonight, finally my husband took me for a drive and basically told me he felt unhappy...hated coming home - dealing with the stress of me, of my mom.

I just knew it and what do I do with it?  How am I here typing on my computer?  We returned home and he wanted to continue to drive.  

Who do I talk to?  There was so much that was said.  I can't even repeat it all, well I suppose I could but my God.  I think we may end our marriage.  There, I said it.  I hate that I said it, but there was nothing hopeful on his end - not even one drip of hope.  He said that yesterday he thought about killing himself.  Great.  We don't need both of us on that feeling.

I want to scream at him and yell at him and tell him he is still so f*cking lucky but he doesn't see it - no perspective with him.  But whatever, he has no idea...

He says it's stress with work, stress of our living situation, that I'm not supportive - have never been.  Maybe perhaps there is also someone else?  Someone else that is there for him in that way that I'm not?  I don't know.  It seems like such a leap to think that, but at this point - I might as well think the worst.  But of course I'd want that.  If it was another person then I would  have someone to blame other than myself.  Instead I just feel worthless - not enough, and of course like I am at fault.  I have caused his heartache and stress.  

I have to move forward to push forward to breathe to get through this.  This is not the worst thing to have happened in my life nor will it be the worst thing to happen in the rest of my life.  I must breathe, I must move forward, I must...I must because otherwise there is nothing.