We went to see the fertility specialist and no I'm not crazy. At the age of 31, relatively okay shape and after 2 1/2 to 3 years of trying I should have gotten pregnant. It felt reassuring to hear a doctor confirm that I can't pregnant. Of course he looked through my records and didn't do any new tests, but I believe him - I mean he sees this stuff everyday.
Hubby thought he was kind of a jerk, but we actually ended up laughing with the guy. I liked him. We may even join a study in which I'd be a part of and get a very super discounted IVF opportunity. I suppose blessing in disguise that we walked in when we did.
Of course I have to first find out one thing - what do my fallopian tubes look like. And if it's blocked, I may have to get rid of the blocked tube to be included in the test. So when I get my period next I'll be calling the radiology place and the nurse that's handling the logistics of the study. I hope and pray that the path that I'm supposed to be on is the right one.
In the meantime, sweet relief yesterday but today? Feel like shit. Hubby is crazy busy with work and I just don't know how to react about it anymore. What in the hell does he want? I'm not sure. The way that he looks at me sometimes or some of the things he says, I really feel like he regrets having got married to me - not that he doesn't like me as a person per se - but just getting into marriage and partaking in the whole family provider thing. He constantly complains about how there is never enough money - I don't want to be the source of that disappointment. I'm fine to just go back to nothing or not nothing, but less. So I wonder what will happen. But I'm tired.
The whole last few weeks has been incredibly trying on me. One of the family dogs died - really my mother's "baby" and then she took a turn for the worse and I don't know what to think. Is she sick? Is she depressed? Is she just grieving? Does she actually have a physical condition I need to worry about? We've been to the doctor twice and today she had a blood and urine test. We'll see what results await us. If there are some things that are "elevated" still - then that means more test. I don't think she can take it and hell, I don't know if I can either.
And of course, work. Work is killing me, but I asked for it. I made the choice to do it but I don't feel like I'm worth anything. Hubby comes home and talks about how he's worked 10-12 hour days but doesn't acknowledge that I too have been working like crazy. And work itself - my morale is actually extremely low. I just want to give up. If I do, maybe mother would feel like I'm not abandoning her, hubby would feel like his wife actually tries to be a "wife" and the woman I'm supervising can finally just take my job. I feel like I'm trying here, but nobody is validating what I'm feeling - my stress, my loss, my everything...I don't know. I'm just a big whiner. Jesus, I have everything and yet I find some way to cry about it.
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