An Early Miscarriage

I'm a fool for not having posted earlier that I was pregnant.

I'm sure that would have been nice for me to have had at least a few posts that shared my giddiness and excitement over the prospect of having a child.  I allowed myself to get excited.  For six weeks, I could feel my body changing.  The hubby and I actually discussed names!  Names!  From Valentina to Francisco to Atticus (which of course he denied), we let ourselves revel in the moment that we would be having a little one.  I even talked about how to fix the room and we discussed what would happen if there were multiple - we'd move in with this parents of course.

The acupuncturist encouraged staying positive and allowing myself to be excited.  And eventually I agreed.  Of course we told his parents, my mom, and just a few friends.  Now, believe me, we both told ourselves to hope for the best, expect the worst.  But damn, we had that early sonogram and we saw the cells growing.  Sure I had been bleeding, but my blood test results kept showing the increasing hormones indicating pregnancy.

So then last Monday we had another sonogram.  The doctor used the vaginal sonogram wand and was searching, searching, and we looked on over his shoulder and I moved in discomfort.  We were not seeing the cells anymore.  He did not see the cells.  It disappeared, it was gone.  He told us that's why he hadn't gotten that excited the first time around because things like this happen.  He reassured me that it wasn't my fault, that essentially it was a bad embryo, with maybe even a chromosomal challenge.

He walked out and I cried.  Of course I cried.  And the hubby was comforting but of course he was disappointed as well.

And then yesterday I got my period.  So on top of going through disappointing news, my hormones continue to rage and I find myself having fits of crying.  Today, at work, I'm crying as two mothers brought their daughters to work.

So I had to write, to let go of this pain.  Slowly but surely it comes out, although I really want to scream it out.

More later.

Last Chance...

It's December.

One couple we know is having their second child after vowing to only have one.  Our other friend is into the third month of just having her newborn.

And me and hubby?  We are about to approach the last chance for IVF.

And out of nowhere, middle of the day, as I write this, I just sigh.  Sigh loudly.  There is a defeat in the sound of the sigh which only has me sighing louder.  Most days I'm upbeat.  And other days, I'm just there.  I am in limbo.

If it doesn't happen in January, then what?  Hardcore exercise and focus on traveling with the hubby I suppose.  We've talked of adoption and that will be another uphill climb.

I wonder if it's because we don't do drugs.  Seriously,  you hear to not use pot, but let's list out the people that we know that are potheads and they all have children:

J, O, S, V, K, L and more that I can't list now...

I'm just complaining...

Acupuncture

So things have been thrown into my vagina.  Not just ANYthing, but things related to IVF of course.

And now?  Needles are being put into my skin and small car-batteryesque looking machine has hook ups to needles connected to the upper half of my vajayjay.  The electric pulses are to help with blood flow.

Yes we are at the last frontier.

Oh and that's topped with some dark sludge called "tea".

I sound harsh and I know as those who have done acupuncture know - it's actually not that harsh, but I have now cried the the three times I've had my sessions as I lay vulnerable on the table.  I think the tears are really my emotions leaving me and my tight shoulders that have held my sadness, fear and anxiety for these several years of not being able to have a child.  Or my tears are really the feelings of last chances down my cheeks that we are getting closer to finding out if I will be able to have a baby from my body with my husband.

See, we are about to head into round two of the two IVF cycles we paid for.  So now that means acupuncture and drinking the suggested "tea" by the acupuncturist.  By the way, the acupuncturist herself said, "I have to warn you, it tastes disgusting."  And it does.  So this tea that I'm supposed to take twice a day, I drink once a day - partly because I don't know if I could handle to take it twice a day and partly because I want to stretch out my dollars.  The tea was $120.

And it's now at this time that I've come across articles that say women who have had unsuccessful tries with IVF might experience PTSD.  Joy (read sarcastically).

And then I tell myself, "Think positive, think positive."  But my fears of failure are so easy to come by and have been so far, quite true.

On top of that it looks like there will be a round of layoffs at my job.  Do I think mine is on the chopping block?  Not exactly, but I know I won't be getting a raise anytime soon.  I also know that some of my colleagues that I genuinely care for may be gone sooner than I know it.

And IVF is just one aspect of life.  In-between the hubby and I have been losing weight and are happy about it.  I miss crossfit and have not gone to the gym regularly.  I say that will change and it will, I think.

My good friend, she's about to have her baby and I'm her birthing partner.  Ironic huh?

Oh another irony, my goddaughter's name is the same name of the woman my hubby slept with and loved when we had been separated.  It's just spelled differently.  I wonder if he think about her every time he says my niece's name.

Epic Fail

So I didn't even describe the egg transfer.

And I should just to get it out there. Hubby was there in the room with me and the doctor and nurse. There was some discussion. We decided on one egg transfer. I turned up my headphones loud, opened up the legs and the doc threw in a catheter like tool and squirted the embryo into the body. They all left and then it was me and hubby waiting. We were there about 30 minutes and then we left. And I was bed bound for that day and the next.

About a week and a half goes by. I take a blood test. The doc calls us and leaves a message for us to call him back. We do. He says the test was negative. I cry. Hubby stays quiet.

We say we are sad. We say we are disappointed. We say, we will try again.

Hubby does research. I act strong. I don't cry anymore except by myself later that week.

We saw the doc on Thursday. We will push forward. I know have to take a new test. Yah.

The Egg Retrieval

I can't believe I waited this long to post. Actually, I can. I've been slammed at work, a bit distracted over all this trying to get pregnant business and running all the way to Ontario to see my cousin's wife's NEW TWINS!

So much has happened! An egg retrieval AND an egg transfer.

Ok let's quickly talk about the egg retrieval so I can quickly talk about the egg transfer and get onto the more important part of my emotions in which I express who terribly terrified and excited I am.

Egg retrieval happened on...hmmm, wait, TWO Sundays ago. Crazytown. Had to be there an hour before and of course, the evening before and the morning of, I was not allowed to eat anything. Me and hubby made our way to Encino and I was met by T, who told me to go in back area, undress bottom portion, keep my socks on and wait. I was the only patient. I mean it was a Sunday and it was early in the morning.

Read magazines and eventually was taken into the operating room and it looked terrifying. Bright lights, very clean, but the stirrups were HUGE. Not metal, but large pads where the calves are supported and STRAPS to hold my puppies into place since I'd be under local anesthesia. Did I mention I was so nervous that I felt like going poo the whole time, but of course I didn't have any food in me, but still I kept thinking that I'd lose consciousness, my body would lose its ability to control itself and that I'd poo onto Dr. F.

But I digress.

Instead they put a needle on my arm and gave me relaxing medicine to which I told the anesthesiologist - you are going to put more right? I'm not sleeping. I need to sleep. I repeated that several times and she nicely, but begrudgingly let me know, yes, yes, yes will do but you need to see the doctor first.

Fine. We waited. I waited. I anxiously waited and then my last memory was seeing him and briefly talking to him.

Then I woke up and it was done.

Now what was done? DUDE, it is friggin weird. Of course I have no recollection, but I do RECOLLECT the paperwork that me and hubby had to sign that said they'd be opening up my vagina and guiding a NEEDLE to grab them ovaries. HIYA! And it warned that they could poke an organ and that I could bleed.

No organ poked. But yes, I did bleed a little at least a week after.

I rested at home. I went to work the next day. Dumb to go to work the next day but I'm dumb. By Tuesday, I went back to work again and then realized that was dumb and went home early for more rest. Wait I'm lying. I think my days are f'd up. But yes, point of the story? After egg retrieval, even though you can technically work, stay home the next day.

So I get the call that SEVENTEEN eggs were retrieved. NINE fertilized. SEVEN were embryos. So what of these numbers? Well it's the embryos that matter. And guess what? We were short ONE to make the study where they give us $4,000 back to take pictures. Oh well. Kind of disappointing but not because well duh, the most important thing is to get pregnant.

And then we were told to wait and for me to take more medicine. No more shots this time, but oral and vaginal medicines. Woo hoo. The TRANSFER would be the next Sunday - ALREADY.

Sonohysterogram

Ah, the sonohysterogram. Who knew? Also known as SHG, but to me? Just another thing they throw in the vagina.

So the day before yesterday, downed a 5 mg valium, had my mother-in-law pick me and made my way to the dr's for an additional test. He moved my curved cervix dug in quite a bit, stuck in a thin tube to inject saline into my uterus and took pictures. Voila! But of course my left butt cheek locked up, I was tense and I acted like it was no big deal as I hummed a song and pretended to give a sh*t about the latest on the Kardashians in US weekly. Not even they could distract me. Ugh.

At least this time he got the pictures. Don't know if I wrote how we tried the SHG just before the big trip and the dr's righthand woman wasn't successful PLUS on that attempt I had no valium. Not that valium helped this time. Next time, 10 mg.

Stayed home to work from home. Went to work yesterday and now I'm going back today for another vaginal ultrasound. Joy! I hope you realize that many of this sentences have a slight tinge of sarcasm.

It's crazy how fast this is going. I mean, when we finally made the decision, boom, had the investment committee and then we began.

Oh by the way, hubby's sperm, so it's like OK, but not fabulously fantastic so that means they have to do an ICSI where after they take my egg, they'll pick the best sperm and actually shoot it in there. Sounds fine, but originally doctor said he would have preferred "natural". Well hell ain't nothing natural so far. And OF COURSE the ICSI isn't included in the $10,200 stuff. Yah! What's another two grand?

Sarcasm. Sarcasm. Sarcasm. Yes, that's a defense mechanism folks. That's how it works, I need to crack jokes, be a bit bitchy and only cry when I watch Grey's Anatomy or in the car.

The other day I told hubby how I cried. He responded, "Whatever happens, will happen." Decent response I suppose. It's not like I expect him to say anything too profound. But recovering alcoholic Latino machismo men be damned for their inability to share more feelings or have empathy! Grrr. And of course, damn the Asian silent woman who'd rather criticize than say I statements. That's marriage and infertility for you.

Well at least there's my pregnant single girlfriend. She's been a godsend. Ironic that the biggest support comes from the woman that got pregnant while drunk from a one night stand in another country. And that's life. Of f*ck, I sound like a b*tch. At the end of the day, I have to remind myself how blessed I am. No pity party here. Who the f*ck am I? Here I go with an investment committee to try and help me have a baby and people can't even pay their mortgage.

I should be working now before the appointment, but you know, I'm a grown up, trying to do the mature thing and get my feelings out. I don't want to regress into the bottled up bullsh*t that ends up eating away at me and leaves me smacking my own face in fits of anger.

So let's focus and get that vision boarding thing to happen.

I will get pregnant and it will be a safe and healthy process. I will produce a healthy baby (or babies because well that's a possibility with IVF) and have a safe delivery. There I said it. Put out into the universe positive things and be direct. This IVF stuff will assist in this process and it will be a safe process. My husband and me will continue to have a positive and continually improved relationship through this process and after.

Have a wonderful day!

It's Real

So I just ran to the bathroom, tears streaming down my face.

I don't know what came over me, actually I do.

It's real now.

I just came from out of the office after giving myself a horomone shot. I felt so alone. And now I am just terrified.

We'd been talking about this for so long and then suddenly we are here, about to enter IVF and I am so scared of disappointment. Oh God, can this please work for us? I act so nonchalant about it but I have to be as the good Dr. throws things in my vagina and talks about all the drugs.

The investment committee - what I lovingly call our parents have each given us $5k. So we've got this budget of $15 k right now. Already $10k has been charged on the cards to the good Dr. And then we went to the pharmacy and put on $2k worth of drugs. I have two thousand dollars worth of drugs in our refrigerator and our office. Jesus Christ.

I went online and looked up IVF. At my age, live birth from IVF, just 25%. Crazy, right?

Is this really happening? It is. Before Italy - yes we went to Italy - it seemed like it was meandering, but then we get back, I make an appointment and it happens to be on the third day of my menses and it's all systems go. It's great. I wanted it, but it doesn't make it any less scary.

As early as next week they will be putting a needle in my vagina to extract an egg. Bizarre. And I had to sign nearly 30 sheets of paperwork saying I acknowledge that things can go wrong. What happened to ignorance as bliss?

I haven't let hubby see me take the shots. Partly because he hates needles but mostly because I've read how husbands and wives begin to see themselves - just as objects. I don't want him to see me that way, I still want him to see me sexually, not just this science experiment, but that runs a risk of me feeling alone and maybe him feeling disconnected from the process.

On Christmas morning, he got the card out from the stocking hung on the fireplace at his parents' house. His face looked so surprised. I walked over and saw th $5k amount. I said to him it had to be about the baby making. A month or so before, we had asked his mom and my mom about gettigng their financial support. And that check, well that was the deciding factor. I pulled his mom to the side and asked, are you sure? You realize there are no guarantees and she said yes.

I told our mothers that again when they sat in the good Drs office with us to get more information about the IVF process. They said they understood. I suppose we all understand it, but what will it feel like when I do or do not get pregnant?

And we have told no one other than them. Well of course I've mentioned it to K, but she's been out out of town so she hasn't heard the latest. Ugh, and of course I've called Ate and N, but no answer. Thank God for blogs.

So I am crying. I'm just crying. I am scared.

Uh thank God. Just talked to my ate and was able to vent.

Still Trying

Still trying in so many ways.

Trying to get pregnant. Trying to make the marriage work.

The latter is going ok. Depends on the day. Some days amazing, some days hard. Hubby and I - yes we are still married, leave for Italy next week. 10 years of marriage, a year a part, another woman and now we go to Italy.

Hubby is still sober. Three years this past August.

We are still not pregnant. And it's not for lack of trying. More visits to doctor. But this time, hubby doesn't seem as excited. Valid points - money of course. How do we go to Italy and be worried about spending money on trying? Well the Italy trip was saved up for. The baby thing I suppose we could certainly wait, but then again, I'm only getting older. So talked to his mom about helping. She said she would. Told her we could try an FDA approved study where'd they'd give us up to $4k to take pictures of the embryo. She said, find out what kind of light they are using. Damn. Now I'm scared to do it.

You know, I'm 35. I f*cking hate my 30s. They've been miserable. I'm waiting for them to get better. But again, depends on the day.

I think I'm buggin because I have so many things I want to say to him, like...

Why are you hesitant about spending money on a baby, when just a couple of years ago we were separated, not even divorced, you were paying for another place to live, paying for this mortgage, dating that other woman and her thinking she was pregnant. You didn't seem to mind then. Oh well, I suppose he's responsible now.

I sound so angry, when most times I'm not. I am on my period, which of course reaffirms the pregnancy test taken at the doctor's office the day before I started my period, that I wasn't pregnant. Just a long week I suppose and I just want to cry. I think mostly because I'm tired. And work is work of course.

But again, it stems back to things we just never talked about. And maybe were aren't supposed to. I mean what's the point. We made choices to be together and to do that, means you have to have full acceptance. So then I don't bring up anything because that's bringing up old sh*t, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't linger in my mind, everything just everything.

Facebook and the Other Woman

OMG, I didn't write about how in 2008, FB wasn't that big and well this year ALL THE RAGE. Which is so crazy because the world gets smaller and it would be so easy to see the other woman - well I have, but I have her completely blocked from my status - because I just don't want her knowing about my life, but that's next to impossible because she SITS NEXT to a woman I am very good friends with.

That being said, there are moments that I have unblocked her just to check out her profile which is pretty much set to private unless your her friend BUT I still can see pictures of her, which I suppose that means she can see pictures of me, BUT it's crazy. If I want to torture myself (which I do), I'll take a gander and just trip out on how different looking she is from me, kind of. Huge boobs though - at least she props em up for pictures and of course, with pictures, she definitely plays up her personality. The mutual friend of ours, talks about her randomly and I feign ignorance about her, but our friend has described her as loud like me. Lovely, huh?

I have also looked for the other, other woman but the other woman doesn't appear to be on FB and even if she was, we have no friends that are in common with so I wouldn't be able to check her out even if I found her.

It's over a year now since all of this has passed, but it comes back to me in flashes because there is so much that me and the husband haven't discussed because he chooses not to share. Understandable, because well we're a dysfunctional married couple and actually talking things out would be terrifying to go through all over again.

How I Met Your Mother

Can an episode of, "How I Met Your Mother" trigger a whole set of emotions back into a blackhole? Yes.

How?

Over the married couple in the show talking about the person that is the "settler" and the "reacher". And well the way everything went down in 2008 - well made me really feel as if I was the "reacher".

And of course in the show, Marshall the married character finds himself working with a new woman who ends up kissing him and he, being the "good" guy that he is, says it's the worst thing ever, but me, being the jaded scorned woman just scoffed at that b.s. Please it's the "good" guy that probably falls the hardest. Jesus. That was my husband right?

I find it so ironic too, that prior to all that had happened I joked, but was slightly serious that I should work where he worked - which he of course said was a bad idea. But maybe I should have and we would have had a better relationship - I mean that's how he started his, right? With a woman that he worked with? Well, there you go...

If I'm sounding bitter and sarcastic - good. I want it to on this blog so that I get it out of my system.

He's depressed again, but I suppose he still has been this whole time. I know he no longer takes medication and I know he's expressed how unhappy he is at work. I wish he had quit his job during the time he had quit me. Because we may go through the same roller coaster again with him associating me to how horrible his life is at work - because he works to take care of me kind of sh*t.

I don't want to be anyone's excuse.

Last Post in March?

It is now August. Wow, a few months between each post? I suppose that really does mean things are getting better, right?

So what am I so worried about? I really have some serious trust issues and want so much to confront him on so many different things where I believe I caught him lies. But what's the point right? For the most part he is home.

Perhaps as usual, I'm about to be on my period, so well - this is when most of this comes out.

In the meantime, work has hit an all time low if that's possible. There have been layoffs and I didn't realize how much it would make me feel. I am incredibly angry and perhaps I'm transferring my leftover pain from the relationship with my husband to work.

I feel incredibly lost with some things right now and am looking for guidance. Of course what's happening at work doesn't compare to what happened to me and the husband, but I don't know.

Ugh.

Am I finally at my tipping point?

What do I want though?

I want to visit Italy.

I want to win the lottery. Ha.

I want to have a child or be around children somehow.

I want my marriage to have that same ease of trust and communication that it once did.

I want to do something artistic again - whether it's spoken word, singing, guitar or comedy.

I've just got to break out of my shell of fear. I know. I've always got an excuse.

Can I Truly Hope?

Today is March 29.

It was another good weekend. Can I truly hope and believe? Should I allow myself to feel this way?

I mean it was another weekend revolving him - watching him get his tattoo and going to lunch with his friends. And I enjoyed it, but I get bitter and scared and resentful so I want to go to a dark place.

Yesterday on our way to his tatoo parlor, he mentioned a bachelor party that he was going to and I asked him about the wedding and if he was going and he said yes and then he was quick to say how the guy said no guests. And I totally get that, but, but I just cried. I told him that I wasn't crying - that I was just tearing up from yawning, but inside I was crying so hard, just because it felt like shit. It hurts, this whole situation hurts so much because I am not the same to him. Am I really his wife? You know my picture was turned down at his desk, he doesn't wear his ring and he doesn't say to the guy, "Can I bring my wife?". He just says are we allowed to bring anyone. So right now, I am just anyone and it feels like shit.

But then the rest of the weekend is good, feels good, so I just don't f*cking know. I don't want to doubt myslef, don't think I should doubt myself because any weakness and it's like it just makes me look like more of an ass than I already am. So this is bad, because getting back into this pseudo relationship, I shouldn't be going in it like this. I still have my doubts and fears. HOW DO I TRUST, JUST TRUST AGAIN, HOW DO I REGAIN MYSELF AS A PERSON TO THINK I'M WORTHY OF MYSELF AND A RELATIONSHIP THAT I DESERVE TO BE GOOD?

I want it to be him but I want more. I want him to truly want me. He's just a 1/3 of the way there, but truth, he's not truthful - not yet. He hasn't come clean, he hasn't chased after me, truly chased after me or what I believe is to be a true and genuine apology. I think I'm just more angry that he hasn't owned up to all of it. And I just don't know if it's ever going to happen. Is he ready for his truth? Am I ready to see it?

Friday Night

So it's Friday night, 10:18 pm.

I partook (is that a word?) in retail therapy - something I can't afford, but did. Retail remorse. Ugh.

Mom is in bed. Gus is supposedly tired and went to a meeting and went to sleep. I've texted him and no reply. He sounded tired for sure, but I wonder at times, if he's making time to see that other girl - PSB. Yup, a different one from AF. I wonder if we stay in this marriage if he will see different women at different times when it gets hard for him. I am obviously not enough. Not enough for him. I am enough for me, but now what? I guess I'm just being impatient and imposing self hate because I'm not in control of anything. I'm in control of me but obviously I'm not all there yet.

And now I'm eating a cookie. I could eat a million if I didn't feel like such a fat pig. I've finally lost weight and now I eat and eat because I'm just at a loss. I want to actually lose even more weight. I want to be skinny - meaning that would be 120 lbs for me, but I'm scared to do it too - I love food too much. Ha.

I'm writing while watching Grey's Anatomy.

It's depressing me.

My life is going to be better, right? Yes. I want it to be better. I will be better.

Has It Really Been a Month?

Has it really been over a month since I've written?

So much and so little has happened.

He stopped the divorce process.

We've had sex.

He's slept over.

I've slept over.

I have a new dog or did I mention that in the last post?

In the moment of being with him, I feel great. When away, I slowly fall apart inside. I am still distrustful. It's crazy, but I feel like the truth is not all out there. This is not the way a relationship is supposed to be. But I guess I'm just scared - just so confused at times. I feel like it's not clear as to what he wants - if he really wants this.

It's Been A While

It's been a while since I've written. That is usually a good thing then. That means distracted happiness rather than melancholy lonely moments where my brain wanders.

So what has been happening then? Well I'm back on track for work and I've committed to being there for one more dinner.

It also means that I've been doing things with friends like watching an LL Cool J concert and hitting up Dine L.A.

And it also happens to mean that I've been seeing hubby again. In fact, we hung out all yesterday and evening. We got each other Vday gifts and all that and well, it felt good to be with him. Really good which scares the hell out of me, but I try to take it one day at a time. We made no plans for today, which is fine. And I try and not think that there is anyone else or anything else. So I focus on me.

We have a new dog - Daisy. She's a dobie and she's great. Needs some work but relatively gets along with Raider.

I want this to work - that is me and hubby. But who knows? I keep a measured distance from true hope - keep the idea at bay and try not to let myself get resentful of the situation entirely. I mean, what is all of this?

One day at a time. Are we still married? Are we faithful to one each other? Monagamous? Are we still to support each other? If I found out I had some dreadful disease would he be here WITH me?

Okay, see it's happening - I'm thinking beyond just the now.

Back to reality. Me in bed, by myself on my laptop (that he gave me), about to turn on the flatscreen tv (that he gave me for v-day). Nice, right? I texted him that the real gift was him though. I didn't give him anything like that of the sort - can't afford it. Some candles, a fish, box full of reese's peanut butter cups, and a book of love thoughts from me.

It's freezing.

What the Hell is Wrong with Me?

Ugh.

I am so anxious right now.

And I had an i'm exchange with estranged husband in which it went like the following:

ME: what time and where is your softball tourney on sat?
HIM: rancho
ME: we leaving around 8 again
HIM: why u want to take care of the dog
ME: yah ill pick him up!
ME: will it be all day?
ME: hee hee. maybe he and i can visit you later at your game out there.
ME: is it more like a park or like that big leagues place?
ME: i might have to do just an errand or two for my mom that morning so can you tell your parents to let me in to get him or will you just leave the door unlocked?
ME: and then you can pick him up on your way home or i can drop him off if you want to hang out that evening. or will i see you tonight or tomorrow night?
HIM: I can leave the door unlocked
ME: okie dokie.
HIM: tonight going to Mike's and tomorrow meeting
HIM: we can hang sat night
ME: right the sponsor mike...
HIM: I would rather you not come watch
ME: ?
ME: awkward because we are separated and the guys seeing me or because?
HIM: because it is something that I like to do with my friends...gets me out of my reality don't need u there reminding me that my life is fucked up right now
HIM went away at 11:24:00 AM.
ME: oh okay.

OUCH! Reading that, it hurts right? we just hung out last night and generally was fine, but then he says i remind him that his life is f*cked up right now. is that really how he feels or maybe he will be meeting his new friend there? or what? whatever the case, if he meant to hurt me, he did. if he didn't, he did anyway. i am in denial. i read that and i have to get it through my thick head and heart that obviously this man has no desire whatsoever to be with me around me near me. instead of him thinking it could be a positive thing, i'm seen as the enemy.

Bittersweet

So I went to his parents house (he hasn't moved yet) to go and watch LOST.



Nearly fell asleep.



We snuggled. We had small kisses.



And then I went home.



Some of it felt so natural and some of it was so surreal.



I am uneasy about it all. Like I've said before, I believe there is someone else and that's why he is struggling. Because if there was absolutely no one else, why wouldn't he say, "There's only you, but I just need time. You are the one. Please wait for me."?

I need to articulate how I feel because I'm not sleeping well at all.

I feel scared.
I feel anxious.
I feel nervous.
I feel confused.
I feel angry.



I really truly feel like I a competing for his affection and attention.