Weeks

I know it's been weeks since I've written.  

I've slowed my expressive side because there hasn't been much progress.  

I don't know.  Two weeks ago, in session he said for sure headed toward divorce.  Then a baseball game together and in the next session it's a question mark.  And me?  I feel positive about that. Who knew a question mark could be so positive.  And yet, he hasn't tried to contact me.  I guess that's a good thing.

Limbo.  That is the word of the day.  The word of the last few weeks.  What is the tipping point towards one direction or another?  I'm not sure.

I'm thinking worst case scenario all the time.  What if?

What if we do get a divorce?  

House.  Must sell.  Can't buy him out.

Second job?  Pretty damn sure I'd have to do.

Date?  Impossible?  I've always said that I just can't imagine being single?  All over again? Jesus.

What if he meets someone new and gets her pregnant quick?  Then what?  Completely proves how worthless I am.

I don't know.  Have I said that already?  A broken record.   Now I sound like him. 

I need to fix the bathroom.  If not for my own sake, then at least to help the house sell in case I need to sell it.

I haven't talked to his parents.  I figured, why start now?  I think we had a positive relationship but hubby wasn't all that into visiting and I usually was the one to nudge in the first place.  I figure I'd email or send cards for special occasions or holidays.  That's the least I can do.

What do I do with all our dishes?  What do I do with our wedding photos?  Pretty meaningless now, huh?  They have a value for me but it's like torturing myself.  Where did it go?

How am I functioning right now?  Is it all a dream and I am going to wake up soon?  Is this really my reality?  Not going to make it to seven years of marriage?  Almost two months until our anniversary - instead it may become a divorce anniversary.  How weird, how bizarre, how just sad.